I Don't Know Why I Went...

Okay, so I went to my boyfriends house (now my ex) and He's much older than me. My parent's didn't know I was with him because they would have freaked out. I knew something was wrong when I was about to go. I didn't listen to myself and went anyway. When I was there he had thrown me on his bed and got on top of me. I tried pushing him off, but he was much stronger than me. He even said "You can try, but I'm way stronger than you." I kept fighting back and even tried to rip his hand off of my pants. After about 20 minutes of him trying to rape me he stormed out of the house and I was left sitting there, in complete shock. I was shaking and freaking out. The worst part? I had to sit with him in his car while he drove me home, for about an hour. This happened about 2 months ago, but I keep having nightmares and I always have mini panic attacks. My parents still don't know because I don't feel like I should tell them. I don't want the cops being brought into the situation because I haven't seen him in about a month and a half. He was also verbally abusive and he wouldn't let me leave him. And there were times where he said he was going to leave me, but I made him stay because I felt attached to him and I thought I wouldn't be able to live without him. He had some sort of hold on me where he didn't want me to think for myself and I had to do exactly what he said. He even told me I wasn't allowed to say "No" to him. Even though I wasn't raped I was almost raped. I'm still not sure what I should do.
ICantDeal19 ICantDeal19
18-21
2 Responses Dec 16, 2012

i know how you feel i was with my ex just hanging out as friends and he got on top of me and tried to kiss me and take off my pants(even though i have a boyfriend). im still shaken from this

I say this with as much support as I can. This person tried to rape you. You did an excellent job of preventing it but you are suffering as much trauma as if he had completed the act. Some psychologists say it is some times more damaging than rape. What you need now is to go to a counselor. There is a cycle that will repeat itself without counseling. You will find yourself dating the same type of guy that treats you the same way over and over again. Counseling is the only was to break the cycle before it begins.

You are a person of worth. Why can I say that without meeting you? Because we all are. Every person deserves to be healthy and happy and no one else has the right to take that feeling of worth from you. Go to counseling and reclaim that feeling...

Good luck!!!!!