What Mom Did to Me :'(

This awful event that changed my life took place when I must have been about the age of four. My younger brother and I were put in the bath together his just over a year younger then myself. He was playing with a bath toy which I desperately wanted.

It was a floating ball the bottom half was aqua the top half was transparent. It contained within it a carousel with about four to five horses. As it moved across the tiny tides of the bath water it played the most majestic music and the little horses rocked back and forth. To a four year old this was pure bliss, its lure was unimaginable. Like nice shoes and handbags are to most women; and performance cars and gadgets are to most men. (Yep I know I’m stereotyping, but beneath stereotypes lies some truth  ;o) )

I’m not very good at this sort of thing, in fact after this happened I never told I single soul until about four weeks ago. That again was not by choice, I was being encouraged to take up counselling after losing both parents which I refused. The reason behind it was I was not willing to neither accept nor speak the truth as to what really happened behind closed doors.

At my first attempt at counselling when asked what kind of mother was my mom? I just could not share this experience, she had just died I had said I had forgiven her in words but deep down in my heart I knew it’s not that easy. When the counsellor asked was she kind, was she a good listener, I just went quite and nodded not knowing how to react. I felt like she had just died how could I speak bad of her even though it was the truth.

Sorry for waffling back to the point, yeah where was I? Ah yes that bath toy.  After waiting patiently for my turn a good five to ten minutes (that’s a life time when you have only been on the planet for a mere four years). I decided to take direct action and take the toy from my brother.

He was not pleased about losing the toy so as one can expect from a young three year old, he burst out with a roaring cry. My mom came running in to the bathroom shouting, screaming, out of control, her face bright red with anger and her teeth showing furiously.
I was so scared even before anything had happened I remember the fear. All it took was by brother to utter the words that I’d taken the toy, I was pulled out of the bath with such force. I probably got some good smacks as well for good measure. Everything went dark, the next thing I know I’ve been thrown to the ground.

I’m lying on my back, in tears; with so much fear I can’t even find the words to describe. I’m now just outside the bathroom; the airing cupboard door is open and stairs are on my right. On either side of the stairs as they come up there is a half height wall. So my head is next to this half height wall on the right and on the left is the airing cupboard door open.

Suddenly my mom jumps on top of me she is standing full weight on my chest, she is still screaming and shouting, my fear has now turned to pure agony and pain. I start to really suffer and I’m unable to breath. I can no longer hear her shouts and screams, I can she her facial expressions looking up at her whilst lying beneath her feet. She starts to do something in the airing cupboard whilst still standing on my chest. I begin to move frantically and hit my head on the half wall next to the stairs on my right.

Suddenly blank, complete darkness after that I guess I passed out. I have no memory of anything after that point I was out cold. I wish I would have died there and then which would have ended this awful life on this cruel planet. I have no idea if the emergency services were called or not?

The next time I come round, I’m no longer the happy little boy, curious and outgoing. I’m in mom’s lap and we are at a relative’s home. I open my eyes and think it must have been a bad dream. Then I realise and acknowledge that I have a cut on the right side of my forehead. I’m confused, scared, shocked, broken beyond repair. Then when mom see’s I’m up she takes me to another room and says; “If you ever tell anyone about what happened, I’ll kill you”.

IT’S REAL, those words were all that was needed to make it 100% real. Why? How? What’s happening? Shock? Confusion :’(

I start primary school soon after, first day of school were sitting on the floor for story time. I look at my teacher’s feet, she’s wearing high heels. I automatically assume she is going to do what mom did to me put with heels.  As a four year old I did not understand why this had happened to me but I assume if mom did it of course my teacher will do it as well. I’m in so much shock and the fear returns, my heart begins to beat faster. I turn inwards and become very quite from here onwards. 

I could not look at my chest for years; I remember putting some deodorant on as a teenager and still unable to look at my chest. I developed  podophobia (the fear of feet).  When I started noticing girls and seeing them in a different light, i.e. not some horrible smelly creatures from so far off planet. I remember finding them attractive and noticing how pretty they were and also how pretty their feet were, a bit ironic from fear to fetish. I developed a stutter, which thank God has almost gone.

I still live with serious trust issues, repressed anger and subconsciously whenever anyone walks towards me even someone I trust I always walk backwards without even knowing that I’m doing it. I can say without an ounce of doubt this awful encounter in life has changed me as a person.

Both my brother and I continued to get beaten throughout our childhood, but bruises heal, the physical pain always goes away eventually. The physiological damage and pain this event has caused I’ll have to take to my grave with me. Thank God none of the other countless beatings even came close to this particular one. If all the beatings after this event were of the same calibre then nor I or my brother would be alive today.  Which sometimes I think would probably have been a better outcome. Later on both my brother and I had tried to find ways to commit suicide.

When I told my brother about this, four weeks ago he could not sleep that night. He said it all makes sense now, that’s why she went easy on you later on, as she must have felt guilty about what she had done. I’ll be the judge of how easy she went on me thank you very much. Sorry for ranting I’d been carrying this burden around for so long and just felt like sharing this horrific experience to help me come to terms with it. Thank you for your time in reading this awful ordeal.

haker haker
5 Responses Aug 21, 2009

that is sad.

no offense but your mom is an a******.

I dont know what to say. But I had tears in my eyes. I'm sorry you endured that for so long. You will get through it and once you do, you'll see life in its most precious.

I dont know what to say. But I had tears in my eyes. I'm sorry you endured that for so long. You will get through it and once you do, you'll see life in its most precious.

Wow, that's a really huge burden to carry, I'm sorry. I was abused as a child too (well, still am, but thankfully I only need a year and a half to be able to drive - being out of the house as much as possible - and moving out straight as I finish high school).<br />
Anyway, I can tell it's truly affecting you, especially how vividly you remember the 'incident'. I do hope you will pull through, and that you will always stick by your brothers side because he knows what you're going through and vice versa.