Meet Me -

My life would make a good drama film - but i emphasize, I don't regret about anything, I wouldn' t change a thing, because it was my choice. We always have options - and i picked mine. I am not ashamed.
I grew up in the Moscov orphanage. I had parents, who were alchoholics and didn't really care about me. It broke my heart, i was rather sensetive and shy.
And I decided for myself that when I grow up I will be rich and successful - and i was sure It would make me important and loved. I got a dream to go to Hollywood  to make it happen. I survived due to my dreams. When i turned 18  - all the doors seemed to be open. but indeed cruel Moscov proved different. I had no money even to get food and shelter, so I couldn't afford immigration to the US.
After a while I got a job of the bouncer in the night club. It allowed me to get things, average people have. But the best about it , was that I met Olga - 50 years old woman who offered me finacial support. She was divorced and wealthy. I was young and desperate. She was attractive despite her age - to some extend I agreed to that affair because of my son instincts - yeah, it sounds insane, but she became the substitution of my mother.
Sex with Olga was the ugliest thing I've ever done.I felt like a bastard,like astupid pervert. I really wanted her to be my mother, but not my first (!) woman. We did it almost every day. And i promised myself that It wouldn't last long, but Olga really cared about me, she loved me, supported me, my selfesteem was cured, I got rid of my inferiority complex, and what was the main thing - I learnt to appreciate WOMAN.
 I started slowly falling in love. It didn't matter that everyone around us would point at  us. It was my first special something. She discovered a man in me.
And I realized I would do anything for her. It was the happiest thing in my life!!! I believed in myself. Yeah, I was poor, without school education - but madly in love, ready to make her any wish come true. So I wanted to achieve smth without her help, to become a real man, worthy of her precious love. She was my everything - my inspiration, my hope, my girl, my wisdom, my mother.
It didn't last long. Once she just told me it was over, that I should find a woman my age. I was not going to give up.
It took half a year to get to America. I promised I''ll make her back when earn enough money to provide her with the best she could possibly imagine.
I've got h2b visa and a year permission to work in agriculture sphere. With no higher education and poor English - that was all i could.
My earnings were good for nothing, I lived in the middle of nowhere - and Olga didn't try to contact me. I was only 20.
I gave up the job and went to Hollywood. But miracle didn't happen. Once I just found myself standing on the sreet with  no change in my pocket no desire to live further - my visa was canceled as i left the working place. I hated her, I blamed her, I called her. But as always - miracle didn't happen.
I wanted to hurt her, to break her heart - stupid selfish desire, I didn't realize Olga loved me and did it for my sake.
As i mentioned above, my pockets were empty. I was about to eat **** - if  someone paid for it.
One day i was browsing on internet and found a website called nightcompanion- i registered there an forgot about it. But I soon got a response - one woman got interested in my profile and offered to meet her. My English was really awful - bur somehow we met. She turned out to be Olga's age - so my first act of prostitution was pleasant - it was a sweet remind of my love, her pale phantom. The woman turned out to be generous.
Then i liked it - I never hang ouwith girls my age, even they adressed me - I wanted those 20 years older. It became my obsession. I loved all those women - they were tender, loving, fregile, desperately seeking fo affection. They were not loved by there men - and i felt myself a saviour. We talked a lot - it was not only about  sex. We spent lots of time together.Yes they paid a lot - but If I could afford I would love them for free, though most of them  were crazy rich. I loved their stories, their painful stories, their bodies. 
I earned good money - and soon could afford to go back to my darling Ola. But my girl died last year. Yeah, almost 8 years passed. Eight years of her silence and my revenge. Eight long years of pain and emptyness.
But I kept my word. I grew up. I saved money. I was about to enter college but I am not sure I'll give up my "career". I do like my life style. I am a nightcompanion who no longer wants to be someones lifecompanion. My baby is gone and my dreams abot different life are burried with her.
So I allow women to joke about it  when they call me they say " Nightcompanion dot come .'' And  I do. It's like a spell. Sweet and painfull life, but its MY CHOICe and I don't regret. I will come to anyone who needs me, because I know what it feels like to be alone and lonely.
And miracles didn't happen.



P.S Excuse my poor English
Ivann Ivann
26-30, M
1 Response Jul 17, 2010

thank you for your story. i think you are amazing to go through all of that and stil survive. my parents didnt love me either they kicked me out at 16 and i went into prostitution i met my baby a year ago she is 49 i am 20 so the age gap is somethig people notice but i love her so much it hurts. she is like my mother my girlfriend my sister my best friend because i never got the love i neede as a child i try to get it now through her but it never works for long. sometimes i sit right next to her and i still miss her thats because i think im missing her but im really missing the mother i never had. this is a hard situation and i hope you can overcome the pain of losing your beautiful woman. i think everyday the pain gets a little smaller as we let it out and one day the pain will be ok it will be like a shadow or a stream but not an overwhelming ocean that sweeps us away do you understand this?<br />
i will be praying for you dont give up someone will find you and help you heal. god himself is searching for you so he can fill your heart with love again. maybe you dont believe me maybe you dont believe in god or trust him but if you ever get lonely and sad and your all alone just ask god where he is he will tell you.