No Where To Go

I always grew up feeling unwanted. I was born into one abusive home, taken away sent to foster homes, then adopted into another abusive home. I just couldn't seem to get a family that wanted me. Was it something I said, the way I looked or am I supposed to learn something I just haven't yet? Well what ever the reason I promise that my children will always feel loved and wanted and needed.
me2plz me2plz
31-35, F
3 Responses Jul 15, 2010

I also feel unwanted I just want to die

im here for u , u not alone ,

My Friend, I wish that I had answer's to the question's that burn inside you, but I dont. I dont have all the answer's to my question's yet, and then maybe I do but have not faced them yet. Why did my first wife get manic depression and walk out on myself and two children ? Why did a woman have to drive her car into my truck and die starting me on my road with depression ? Why did thing's go down hill from there ? You see I have my question's too.<br />
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I believe in God and know that he has been with me every step of my journey. I pray to him each and every day. Lord mold my into the person you would have me to be, Open the door's you want me to walk through. Do you think that maybe he heard and answered my prayer ? Is my battle with depression my ministry ? If I did not have this cross to carry would I have any understanding for those who carry the same cross in their life ? Would I be able to reach out to them on their level or understand any part of their pain, or would I just distance myself from them. Is he molding me ? I ask that HIS will be done in my life, not mine. Is this his will for me ? Hard question's to ask myself.<br />
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Has God been prepairing your heart, has he given you a ministry ? Even if you dont belive in God would you be able to understand, feel the pain or be able to reach out to those like you ? Today is one of my good day's and I can look at myself clearer. On my bad day's I fight it and dont want to be here and wish God would take me home. I hate myself and yet he understand's and know's that this is part of my molding. When you pray Your will be done you just dont know what his will is until he decide's to show it to you. I was not expecting this but it is now mine. I ask for it if you look at it of my prayer's. Yes just as you do, I struggle to understand. I struggle with myself and the burning with in. But I guess when has molded me to who he want's me to be he will open the next door. Had he not opened the first door I most likely would not be answering this posting today. These word's may not be what you are looking for but they are from the heart from me to you.<br />
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When you feel unloved I will ask you to do two thing's for me please. Look up into the eye's of you creator and feel his love for you and then look down, look down into the eye's of those that you share jam with and tell me you that you are not loved. God Bless

It is good to know that no matter how hard your life was you come to be a person who is loving to your children. Keep that love alive no matter what will happen show your children the love they deserve. They will love you back maybe not in line with your ideal love but they will love you. It is beautiful to have a family who will love you in the best way they know how. As for me I don't know where I will find love perhaps only in God alone. But it is really very sad to live in this world and not be love by another human and that is my case. I don't know why God has to put me in this situation but it is the life I have now. My father, mother and close brother is gone they died and what is left of me are family members who don't love me at all and if there is love among my niece or nephews that soon will fade as my brothers and sisters are not close to me. There is no way of me getting close to them the more I try to get close the more they hurt me and the more I will destroy myself. I want to move far from them there is no other way than to be not so near them. I was with them for many years and all I gain is learning how to be self destructive. They are angry at me for no good reason at all they are just jealous, they have some fantasy in their mind that I am not their sister, they have a fantasy that I am a bad person than I really am. There is really no healing for their mental illness. Only God almighty can heal them but for the time being they are not healed it means it is not yet their time to be healed. It is really sad though that my trauma with my sisters and brothers leads me to not find my own family. Afraid to be in the same situation again being blamed of anything that happen bad, being hated, a victim of a very jealous type person all and more drive me away to have a family of my own. Now I am 36 years old alone in life, no child, no husband, no family I can be with, no much friends. I don't know what to do with my life but I have to live each day striving to be happy.
Your situation must be hard than mine or mine is hard than yours but we both need one thing to do and that is to learn to love our life, ourselves and hope for the best. I know it is hard to do such specially in my kind of situation but I really have no choice. May God almighty bless us