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I Was An Unwanted Child

This is an issue that has had a huge impact on my life and the lives of other people I have talked to who also know they were unwanted/unplanned children. It's not like parents go around telling us they never wanted us to be born (although some may), but in my experience there is always an evil friend/member of family who makes sure we find out. In my case it was one of my mother's friends. I remember exactly the images that came through my head as she told me the fact that would scar me for life. My mom and dad had been in a relationship for 6 years and she couldn't stand him anymore so they broke up. She never wanted to have anything to do with him. Then, after several weeks, she found out she was pregnant. She wanted to live, travel, enjoy life and people in her surroundings convinced her it was a huge shame to have an abortion (still mostly is in my part of the world) and made her marry and have me. 

I now think how she must have hated me, the insignificant little person for whom she had to sacrifice her life and dreams. I trapped her in a marriage and life she hated. She wouldn't hear of another child but my dad and family again, convinced her she should have another one, that me being a single child would not be wise. After seven years of convincing she had my sister, and during that pregnancy she was ill most of the time, so I can imagine how much she hated my little baby sister as well.

Growing up, I was surrounded by people who adored me and were there to fulfill my every wish, although I don't quite remember my mother in the whole picture. She was never there for me, not when I was going through hell in my life, fighting addiction, suicidal tendencies and mental breakdowns - she simply didn't know what to do with me.

I believe now, after having overcome my depression of the past 15 years, that my general and complete inability to feel alive, to want to live and enjoy life, all sprang from the fact that I came into this world unwanted. My sister too, has had a lot of problems, fighting eating disorders, but she was always the stronger one.

My mother always remarks about girls how they are stupid when they get married and have kids, how kids ruin a person's life. I am set on not having kids, ever.

I would like to hear from other people who may feel the same way.

Tenebra Tenebra 31-35, F 56 Responses Sep 1, 2009

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I have read all these posts and see so many common threads. I was unwanted too, and it is an invisible trauma that no one seems to be able to validate except those who can relate by personal experience. One time I candidly asked my mother, "Why didn't you just give me to a family, who would love me?" And her response was that 'it was the 60's, we didn't do that back then.' Having a child is a sacred contract. All of this unwantedness runs so deep, and yet it is so invisible that it seems impossible to overcome. I wonder if there are times of economic difficulty that perpetuate it. Someone hit the nail on the head in one of these posts, of not faulting thier parent because they were also unwanted. I suspect that of my mother. She never said I was unwanted, she didn't have to. It came out all over the place in her actions. I only met her mother once, Grandma Anderson. When I was about four, my grandmother drove out from Wisconsin to see me and give me a gift...a small copper aunk, symbol of life. My own mother was pressed up agianst the wall, and frozen in place while my grandma visited. She never spoke of grandma Anderson...ever. My mother never accepted me but totally loved my older brothers. I was totally unacceptable no matter what I did. I suspect that she went through pain and rejection from her mother and carried same ways of being right down the family line. I have had many problems throught the years; not feeling grounded, worthwhile, part of things around me. I have not done so well in family life (marriage) as there is some inability to bond. My children, and I have seven, are much more confident and well adjusted. I think that is because I took the role of parenting as more of a sacred contract, especially in the early, formative years mine were just getting started. The sacred contract is: When you get pregnant, you are now responsible for a human life and the quality of life. If you are not in a position mentally, emotionally, financially, spiritually to give love and everything needed for a child, do not go through the act of conception, or take it lightly. The whole matter comes down to personal responsibility and AWARENESS. It's invisible, but many of these parents were highly irresponsible by taking the act of conception lightly. That alone accounts for untold pain, damage, and misery over ages. It is so hard to take care of yourself and love yourself when it seems no one values you and it becomes deeply ingrained...some times I just think that if I just love myself, everyone else will follow...
Sounds like a reasonable plan to start. But it is almost like the people around can sense I am someone not to notice, or pay any attention to, even reject because I radiate that feeling I am imbedded with from birth and childhood. At 53 years old I still struggle with that unwanted feeling. At least I can say, it stopped with me and none of my children will know this debilitating saddness and imbalance.

some people would have no reason to live if they couldn't make people miserable

My dearest son, this is how i want to call you, only today 5 of may 2014 i read by chance your story...I'm 44 years old and i went through a lot of sufference growing but the worst time came with marriage. My husband was nasty, unsincere, childish with a very intruding mother....they come from a well know local family who sticks alot with the church but in the deep of their hearts they aren't believers. When i told him that our second child was affected by trisomy 18, he asked me to practise abortion. I didn't, my family supported me psychologically, phisycally, emotionally. My baby was born with three major organic defects, within 12 days she died. Her father wasn't there at birth. I wanted my baby from the moment i conceived her and wanted her all the days that God allowed me to hold her in my arms. Now in the separation my ex husband a very busy surgeon, who is very rich and known locally, took away our 4 years son from me with an excuse, i had a delay in my job activity, so i couldn't raise him. I fight every day to have him back, and won't stop untill my little boy is back and safe in my arms. I have all the cards to raise him, i work today, i was seen by minor court judges, psychtherapist, social workers, all say ok the child stays with the mother. In this country, far from the states, judges are god on earth untouchables by law. If you reach them out of court you've done. My Lord God is the rock of my salvation, He keeps me safe in the storm. I'm sorry you went through this deep sufference, if you were here i would hug you and tell you all the words that a child wants to be told by his mom, i love, you are a special person, i'm blessed to be your mother, thank you for being alive and here for me and i will bless you. We are far, but please trust God, he is our first caregiver, life comes from him we are only instruments on earth, allow God to work in your heart, mind, soul. Take care of yourself, give to yourself love, respect. Allow God to heal your wounds. Open up your arms to embrace life, although i don't know you, i love you..... be courageous and fight positively to change your insight perception, you are special for God and for me!!

A person's worth does not depend on someone else wanting her. A person's worth is determined by Someone higher than we are. I was unwanted by my mother, but not by God. My mother became pregnant with me after a casual relationship. I'm not sure the guy even knew about me. I had an older sister by another father, and then a younger sister by another father. When I was two, our mother dropped us off at a group foster home like a box of kittens and moved several states away to pursue her own goals. But at that home for girls, I learned that God placed me here. He planned me and made me and knew me before I was born. He inserted me into human history at exactly the right time and place of His choosing. He placed me at that home for girls to be nurtured, cared for, and told about Him. And yes, he gave me exactly the mother that He wanted me to have. For years, I didn't understand why. I was reunited with her at age 11, and knew almost immediately that I was an annoying burden to her. My self-esteem suffered, too, and I walked away from my faith. But God brought me back to Him and blessed me and my husband with three adopted children. And now I know why I had the mother I did. I came to know her as a person outside of the many ways that she let me down. As I got to know her, I became compassionate toward her. She's still irresponsible and believes that her life was ruined when she got pregnant. She has so many "issues" that keep her unhappy and unfulfilled. I do not believe that she could have found fulfillment even if she had not had children. Those who give of themselves to pour into others ... those are the people who are happy. We've always been open with our kids about adopting them. But when they ask me about their birth mother, I can speak with compassion about her inability to do the right thing. If it's any help, I think your mother was selfish, not a victim. She chose not to be a caring mother to you. Even if she felt let down because of her circumstances, that does not give her the right to abandon your needs. Please don't carry on her legacy by not having kids. You'll never know true love until you empty yourself for your children. Nothing else, not career, hobbies, travel, romantic relationships, identity ... nothing else will show you what love is like children. I would hate for your mother to rob you of that, too, just because SHE didn't understand it. I know people whose mothers were selfish and negligent, who are themselves great parents. They know how important and difficult it is to set one's own priorities, comfort and plans aside to pour into another human being. When I think of the lives that are (and will be) blessed, changed, encouraged, and enriched by these people, their children, those children's spouses and children, etc., I can see how redemptive true love really is. Take back your life. Don't leave it in the hands of another person, not even your mother. Seek God and His plan. Care for someone else, give to them even when it's inconvenient, share the big and little things, talk things over, watch them grow, help them decide, see life through their eyes, let them surprise you, accept their love, watch them stumble and then right themselves, be there for them, be the rock in their lives that no one else can be. Be the way God sees you, not the way your tormented mother sees you.

I am an unwanted child, and to make it worse, I am a twin. My mother was, to reflect her own sentiments, 'emotionally blackmailed' into having a child by my father and grandmother. She did this upon one condition, that she would only ever have one child and would thereafter be free of harassment on the subject. I still appreciate somewhat the poetic irony here, in a morbid way. She told me incessantly as a child how me and my brother ruined her life, how her childless friends live blessed lives and that I would be labouring under a common delusion if I ever had children of my own because you can never be free to live your own life. I got into one of the best universities in my country. I was a consistently A grade student throughout my whole life and none of it made me happy if simply for the reason that it never made her happy. The feeling of never being good enough is accentuated ten fold as a result of feeling unwanted. No matter how well I do, I can't give my mother what she really wants, namely a life without me. For most of life I have been racked with guilt for a mistake which was never mine to influence. I saw her internal suffering everyday, she never smiled or laughed and used to sit on the front doorstep and cry because she couldn't face coming into the house and facing what her life had become because of me and my brother. I would try to comfort her but obviously the last thing she would want was a reminder of me. I would have given anything to turn back time and cease to exist, if that was the price of my mothers happiness. I love her so much and told her once when I was much younger that if I could remove myself from her life if it would make her happier. I didn't know how hurtful this must have been, all I knew is I wanted her to smile. I wouldn't give up my mother for anything in the whole world. Although this wasn't a pleasant experience, it was never too much of a problem until I got into my current relationship. After being together over four years, I feel as if I am wronging my fiancé by agreeing to spend my life with him even though he desperately wants children and I could never do that. I am afraid I would come to realise she was right and children steal everything of value in your life, in terms of material wealth and personal happiness. I feel like the responsibility of having children creates issues of personal freedom for all parents, as is the innate nature of all forms of responsibility. I am entirely unaware how one would go about integrating these limitations with a feeling of unconditional love which is commonly held by parents. I feel like being unwanted I never got to understand how a happy relationship can exist between parents and children and am terrified to ever take that leap of faith and hope it comes naturally.

I too have such a soft spot in my heart for unwanted children. I don't believe in abortions, I believe we all need to stand together as a people and start helping each other in this daily life. I think if there was more abled bodies to come together and help the helpless in any way we can we would be able to overcome this darkness in a lot of people. Most abusers are or were abused and when that pain stays in the heart it comes out like a bat outta hell on to another innocent life. Prayers are so needed in all our lives. But we need to learn of Jesus forgiveness and to cleanse our minds of this horror in order to move on. lets start one at a time to give a helping hand out to another in what ever way we are able and start fighting for the babies and children to have life, safety and love.

I was an unwanted child. My Parent's history reads like a horrible fiction novel. My Mother came to adolescence during WWII in Britain, she grew up in Plymouth which was a large Naval Port and also the last bit of land in Southern England, which was bombed heavily due to being a Port and also because the Germans would unload their bombs after hitting London before hopping back over the channel. She met my Father who was an American in the Navy at a USO dance. He was 17 and she was 15. He grew up in an Irish Catholic family one of 10 boys, and the 11th the only daughter. He grew up on the borderline of starvation, he joined the Navy as a Baker so he could always be near food. Two basically good kids in a difficult environment. At this point nothing beyond a dance and a kind invitation to Sunday dinner, the two wrote during the war, the war ended, my Dad could not find work and joined the Navy again, re-enlisted. During this time, my Mother went to work in a "Chemist" [a pharmacy]. At 16 she had an affair with the 40 year old married with children Pharmacist, he should have gone to jail. She became pregnant, he should have been shot for being lecherous and stupid because in those days condoms were only sold at the pharmacy. In any event, my Mother afraid, hid her pregnancy and had my Sister. As it happened my Grandparents ran a Rooming house, and [3] years after being in Plymouth, my Dad shows up, his ship ported there and took a room, and reacquainted. He saw the little girl, my sister, but thought she was the child of someone staying there, my Granny took in children of working parents during the day as well and had most to do with my sister. Having my sister was a complete embarrassment, a horrible event. The family hid the fact, sent my mother away to have her, and the child somewhat just blended in with all the borders coming and going, not everyone knew who she really was. My mother and father dated and it seemed a happy fit, my grandparents loves the "yank" treated him like royalty, and my mother and father "fell in Love." As things progress my father asks my mother to marry him. She says she cannot, he persists, and she tells him about my sister. Hmmm. So "of course" he says, "I will marry you, who wouldn't want this gorgeous little girl, blond and rosy?" Time went on in England,. Everything was fine, normal ups and downs while they were in England, but then they returned to Boston to be near my Father's family, they were stationed a few miles away from home. My Grandmother [matriarch] would have nothing to do with my mother, and forbade the rest of the family. My Father went along with it, did not support my mother as his wife and holidays were spent dually at home and with his American Family. Totally wrong in my book. My Brother was born, and no one from the family came to see her or offer a hand to her during what should have been a happy event. She was all alone here with her family in England, totally isolated and they were just unkind and rude. So things went down hill from there, the marriage rocked on, apparently there were [2] abortions. He drank and was busted down in rank and they struggled with money. My Mother came from a good family and came from a good home. She did her best, life was hard as a Navy dependent in those days. Policy was that a family just got in the way of your career, so there was no support of it. If you were stationed overseas, it was a little better as you were viewed as a "diplomatic" corps, in the days of the cold war they wanted that part of the world to see how good American Life was. 1961 found them in Rota, Spain a small Navy ba<x>se and tight knit naval community. Life was good for my brother and sister, a good American school, run of the entire ba<x>se, and pool, bowling alley, there were riding lessons on ba<x>se and my brother represented the European Theater in the Little League World series. They both walked to school, knew everyone and it was a pretty good life, except at home. My Father had written the Bishop with my Grandmother's help. She held alot of sway in her parish [11 children and 2 who were part of th priesthood stands for alot in a Catholic parish]. He wanted to have the marriage annulled, or be granted a divorce, I think they call it a dispensation. Back then a good Catholic did not divorce, and the process took several years. My mother was aware of this going on, but tried to keep it together, hoping it would not be granted. In December 1962 the paperwork came through and my Father told my Mother that she and the children needed to make arrangements with her paents because in June after the school year ended, they were going to be divorced.I was born in June 1963. My mother starved herself until she was beyond the point where she could get an abortion to hide her pregnancy. She went to the Dispensary [a small clinic once a week for dependents] and said she had been loosing weight etc, basically to start the work up that would lead to reveal the fact that she was pregnant. She was successfully [6] months along when she told my father. I was full term and born 4 lbs 11 oz. They called in the priest to give me last rites but I survived. My mother had suffered blood poisoning during the birth, again this was a small, small, small clinic, on par to a Patient First or Doc in the box today. Navy Corpsman not nurses, and a Doctor who did everything, including some dental work delivered me. My Mother was sent to Weisbatten Germany for 8 weeks because she was so sick. I was left with my Father and neighbors, he eventually hired a local lady Mercedes to come and care for the house. She was there until we left when I was [2]. I am sure I have a sense of being loved, but I am very sure it is because of Mercedes. I am told she used to take me to the local market and show me off, the tiny little girl with the red hair and beautiful white skin. My sister,15 was not allowed to care for me, because there were rumors that I was hers. {Did you see Mrs Perkins pregnant?? No...no I didn't" "Where did the baby come from?"} <br />
My Father applied to be assigned to Sea Duty, [9] months out. We were stationed in Norfolk, VA. My mother was left there on her own with a 16 year old Daughter, a 14 year old son and a 2 year old daughter [me]. He went to sea and basically left my mother stranded financially. She had to sell family heirlooms and furnishings to keep things going while she applied to the USO for relief. She eventually got a job at night sorting mail on the train from Norfolk to Richmond and back. That is how they did things back then. So that is how it was until my father retired in 1967. We stayed in Virginia Beach/Norfolk. My brother moved out at 16, my sister married a man 10 years older than her at 19 and I was alone with my parents. They had seperate bedrooms, my father came and went. My father spent holidays in Boston. I would go with him in the summer so he could do things for my Grandmother at her house. I had to be quiet and sit outside so I didn't disturb her. She never called me by my name, kept calling me one of my cousins name, I would correct her and say "no Granma, I am Susan..." my Dad just let her call me whatever, and never understood why I was upset by it. I wanted to be loved, I wanted to be Daddy's girl, I wanted to be part of his family....To my mother I was another burden she had to manage on her own. As I grew I was just a reminder of the "tricks" she had to play on my Dad, I was the payment of the debt to the heavens for not having to go back to England in disgrace. I was constantly shipped off to school or camp or with the lady who worked for my Mom, Jan. She was another saving grace in my life because when I was with her and her family I knew what it was to be loved. Otherwise, I spent day after day going to school coming home, having dinner and going to my room. From the time I was 13 until the time my Father Divorced my mother he lived in the same house as me, but I would guess we probably said [50] words to each other in 5 years. I NEVER ever heard the words "I love you." Never. He left in April 1981, and had the Sherrifs office deliver the Notice of Intent to File for Divorce/Seperation Notice in June ON MY 18th BIRTHDAY. I answered the door [daydreaming I thought maybe they were flowers for my big day] and the Sherrif, a lady looked at me and asked if I were 18. Proudly I showed her my license- "Yep, 18 today." She looked crestfallen because she knew what the papers were, while I did not. How much hate is that? I was alone through all this from the time I was [5]. I had to sit in the car when we did go places and just be witness to their venom. When I spoke they both turned on me. It got so bad one night I jumped out at a stop light and ran in the opposite direction so I could get away. Life was tough. I can see I drifted in and out of depression as a child. I went to a Catholic school and while it had its merits [I had a consistent set of kids who were in school with me, and a sense of place] they were not equipped to deal with "family problems." I remember meetings, my mother would go alone, and after would be angry with me for some reason, when I didn't even know what the meeting was about, it wasn't report card time, what the hell? She worked long hours 7 days a week, and was becoming quite successfull in real estate. I was just something that kept her from doing business. To my father I was the reason he was not free, and his attempt to get free was spoiled by my arrival.<br />
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I have worked hard all my life...been thankful for the intelligence and mental quickness the gifts I have been given. I didn't go to college, after I moved out of the house on the day after my 18th birthday...thrown out really my stuff on the front porch [my graduation present was 2 suit cases and a steamer trunk--serious] I fell in love with a man 9 years older than me twice divorced, and we had an ok relationship, I got preggers, had high hopes, married moved to California, only to find out what an alcoholic is in my Husband. I move back to VA with my son, refusing to put up with his physical and mental abuse or to have my son exposed to it, and he followed. We had a reconciliation and another son, but he fell back into it. I was done. My Children are the best thing in my life and I feel like I was a good Mother. They are grown, happy and healthy, in good relationships and one Grandson who is my light. I wasn't perfect, but I was steadfast, maybe a little on the abrasive side, but I had to be Mom and Dad, as I raised them alone. My mother died when I was 24. My Father is alive but after 40 years of trying to have a loving respectful relationship with him, I gave up and we do not communicate.<br />
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My take aways: I never felt wanted, never felt loved, never felt I had a right to be "here" . I have a poor self image, horrible self esteem, when I fail at something, oh my, that is the end of the world and nothing is ever going to be good again....I spiral deep down and must "mother" myself to bring me back. I was [am] awkward socially, easily depressed, and despite having some good success career wise from hard work, have bounced around because I have only managed to get a 2 year degree. I have been in some really great relationships, have known love, have travelled, seen the world, enjoyed life. But I always wonder how much I could have achieved if I had known some support. I never feel like the love I have is enough...there is never enough love in the world for me. Like my father who being underfed became a baker to be near food, I am constantly looking for love and approval and PROOF that I have a right to be here on this planet and that I am not a MISTAKE or a TRICK. I mean I could go on about situations where I had a sense that my father was trying to "put me in harms way" or allow me to have an accident....I have these memories but I have tried to only illustrate with instances I know are fact. Things like being left at the zoo for [4] hours alone, I thought he was there and so wandered around before telling someone I was lost. They asked me if I could find my car and I took them to the spot where we parked [right next to the play ground! hell yes I remembered!] but he was not there. It is thoughts like these that drive you crazy...."Why?" "Why?" "How could anyone be so cruel?"

The point in being a child unwanted by your parents is the fact that you have a sense that you are unwanted by everyone else. Period, end of Story. There is a pscking order in humans just like in th erest of the animal kingdom. If an individual is not considered "Part" of the group [flock, herd, gaggle, etc] then the others will try to alienate it. In my life, it has been a very rare experience where I felt wanted, felt welcome, felt like I belonged, felt PART of things. And this is very sad for me. When you are unwanted as a child everyone senses this through out your life, and if your parents didn't want you....what is wrong with you? It is very subliminal. But I have social issues, nothing big maybe I am forcefull or insistent and it might be very normal in a particular situation but I walk away thinking "Geeze. They must think I am an *******." Or in a group setting like at work "Geeze they must wonder what the hell is wrong with me....

This is the constant legacy:being unwanted, unwelcome, and unloved.

Hello StalwartRabbit, I think you are beautiful and somewhere in your mirror you see it too but you need to realize your heart is good and show it in yourself and then to others. We live in a dark world and with messed up thoughts and walks, but it can be a good walk as you search your heart and the one who created us all...God. He is there, been there and continues to be there for you so call out to your real Heavenly father and ask Him to show youHis love and presence in your life. It will happen, it has with me:~)

I was an unwanted child myself and this point is quite accurate. Both my parents were Holocaust survivors who named me after people they had lost, including my father's first son, so I grew up in the shadow of ghosts I could never replace. I underwent life-threatening experiences myself and my parents did not come to look after me. My life has been that of a permanent outsider, always looking in with envy at families that seem at least halfway functional. My professional resume looks great but my inner life is wracked with loneliness, depression, addiction, anger. May whatever healing powers the universe offers help bring peace and contentment to all our damaged souls and hearts.

I was adopted at birth by two people from the Appalachians, it was hell from day 1.

When I cried I was smacked, my mother said I cried on purpose, trying to get attention. I was an ill baby , allergic to milk and my tummy always hurt , always throwing up. This didn’t sit well with my mother, her remedy was to give me more to what ever I was allergic too.

My earliest memory was her holding me on her lap and restraining me, forcing me to eat, if i fell asleep during my feeding I was rudely shaken awake. I have scars on my face where she has pinched my cheeks to hold food in my mouth so I wouldn’t spit it out.

My toddler years consisted of being thrown out of the crib onto the floor busting out my teeth and giving me two black eyes, my leg was broken because my mom said I fell off the bed, I was always being chased, hit or force-fed.

AS I became older, I was always told I was ugly, and I acted stupid. I was tied up by my ankles to a bed post and ******** of my pants and under garments, my mom then sat across the small of my back so I couldn’t reach around to stop her from beating my butt with a shoe heel, a thick wooden paddle this all the while stuffing my dads tube socks in my mouth so I couldn’t scream. This beating would go on until her fury drained out of her and I was left bleeding through my bruises. Before any type of beating she would walk through the house closing windows so the neighbors wouldn’t hear.

She stood me in a corner naked and flipped me with rubber bands, put my feet in a frying pan on the stove. Made me eat dish soap and whenever I had chapped lips she would put hot pepper sauce on them.

When she was potty training me, she would make me sit on the toilet for hours. During summer vacation she would get me up, feed me breakfast and then make me stand in the corner until it was time to go to bed that night , usually standing 13 hours or more a day.

She beat me ( along with my father) on my female private parts with a paddle or a paint stirrer, and when it was bruised, she would remark….” look , your pee-pee is wearing lipstick.” She then would apply muscle rub to my genitalia. This happened more than once.

I think she was poisoning me, I had sores all over my body, my tongue always had red bumps and my nails had white spots on them. I was always very sick to my stomach, but I was never allowed to rest, I had to stand in that corner very ill. Sickness was a sign of weakness.

She didn’t like it when I had to go to the hospital. She took me out and brought me home. She would wrap me up in bed sheets with a peroxide or alcohol solution with all of those open sores on my body, it hurt so bad!! then she stood me in front of the window air unit wrapped in wet bed sheets, She would make me stand there for hours. I would freeze and shake.

At night when I was in bed, she would come in and scream at me that I wasnt sleeping in my bed correctly and then she would grab me by the hair and throw me to the ground this would happen over and over, it got to where I was afraid to go to sleep. I wasnt allowed to have friends and I couldn’t play with my toys, I either stood in the corner all day ( from time of getting up till time for bed) or sat in the corner of my room.

I was tested at school and they wanted to put me in a gifted class and she told them no. So when I got home after school, she would take away my books and not let me do homework, so I would flunk out. See? she said, you’re not so smart.

She made me clean the bathroom and mirrors with my tongue, she wrapped me up in my dads thermal shirts and tied my hands behind my back like a straight jacket I was often made to eat off the floor like a dog . She also made me eat whole cakes and a bottles of ketchup when I told her I was hungry and wanted a little bit more.

She would make me stand and make faces at myself in the mirror. She would send me to my room to cry and when I stopped she would come in with a belt,extension cord. She was also known to punch me in the stomach.

I had a horrible life, I was always afraid, afraid to sleep, afraid to speak. And my dad would just go along with it.

I still suffer.

I went through 38 foster homes after this, it was just as bad.

idicoe, darling you are loved! I don't know you but I love you. You are strong courageous and you will make it! You will overcome the darkness in your life because of 1 person, Jesus! Your testimony is here for others pains and others gain for there own life. people worry about breaking a nail or a bad hair day, but you have come way over and above horrific journeys! Your day in court is now with a judge and a lawyer, His name is Father God and Jesus Christ! Jesus paid the price for sin and death and He overcame for YOU! Now enter His gates with thanksgiving in your heart and let Him lead you to the green pastures! You are not alone and you are not forgotten:~)

There are so many common experiences articulated in the previous posts:
First the most positive: "I'm still trying to do my best" and "I'm more compassionate, understanding, empathethic".
That certainly describes me, at age 63, still trying to just make the best of life. I'm divorced & have been unmarried for a very long time. I've never had children, but oh, how I love, love my dog! I think the the biggest negative impact on me has been that I never had the opportunity to have a healthy relationship with a mother, or even know what a healthy mother/daughter relationship is. Probably the proverbial blessing in disguise that I didn't have children when I was younger.

Thank you for this article. I was number 4 of 4 and they only wanted two.they already had two boys and a girl, they turned 40 the year I was born and it was no secret that they were tired of raising children.my mother actually told me she didnt want another child (me) and she liked little boys better anyway. I was well fed and cared for but wonder what impact this knowledge had on my psychlogical state,personality,coping skills, and general opinion of myself. I did not realize it then but resources were in short supply for a family of 6 and I was the last priority.
I would love to participate in a study for adults who were unwanted children.

On a much happier note, i am in a loving marriage and have two very wanted and adored children! We can not just survive, we can succeed!,

amen sister BetonthBay!

My mother was an unwanted child - by both parents, who resented her.
Her mother frequently told her so and her father would often blank her if they passed in the street.
So she grew up an only child on an isolated farm.
And so it was that without the support that all children require to grow emotionally strong and healthy, she had a difficult life.
She married and soon divorced childless.
Then met my father and whether intentionally or not, fell pregnant with me at the age of 39.
But my father was no support - absent other than at the times he descended to visit violence and financial extortion on her.
As hard as she worked, she was unable to keep me - with her own mother refusing to help with child-minding me while she was out working at a full-time job.
So at six months of age, I was placed in a residential children's home, hundreds of miles away until I was 10 years old.
Residential children's home were scrapped by the UK government when Bowlby showed the lasting damage it did to babies and children.
And there is no doubt that I am one of those children.
My life is remarkable if for no other reason, than as a feat of endurance.
It's been stressful and difficult despite huge effort on my part, from day one.
But after 51 years, I've been getting some closure in coming to understand the effects that residential care had and has on those who grew up in it.
Thank God for Bowlby.
Despite a loving nature, curious mind, good education and attractive appearance, I have no real life nor family.
But that doesn't hold me back - I push on regardless, knowing only that the short time we are permitted in this life is precious.
Don't dwell on the past but live for the future.
Take heart, all ye who enter here - for as hard as things might seem, none of us knows what is written.

I have wondered 42 years..... What would it feel like to be wanted by your mother? I will never know.

Hi there...
I'm 26 years old and I've just found out that I am a bastard child too. Still don't who my father is and where he is.
And my mother is full of lies.
Thank you for sharing your story friend.

Hi I'm so glad that I found your page. I'm 26 years old and was an unwanted child especially on my fathers side. My mother did it to trap him. When it failed she used me as a weapon and a resource to get money and sympathy from not only him but basically anyone possible. She would also dump me off on any family member that was willing to take me in at the time. My mother depended on the child support she received for me to take care of herself. My father is a very successful doctor with two medical practices. She now lives in my home with myself and my fiancé. I'm just wondering how you started to accept what happened to you and begin to overcome it. Thank you for your time

Wow, I'm so glad I came upon this site. My parents "had to get married" because of me. When I was 16, my mom was drunk and told me that if abortion had been legal when she was pregnant with me, she would have had one. Kind of gives you a warm and fuzzy doesn't it? Growing up I'd never really felt loved or wanted by her or my dad. He was there, but didn't show much interest in me. They ended up having more kids, when I was 7 they had twin girls. I always felt that my mom favored them, but at least dad was as emotionally distant with them as he was with me. They are still married and it seems they get along better since us girls grew up and moved away. I have a good relationship with my sisters, it wasn't their fault they were favored.

I am married and have 2 sons. I did my best when they were growing up to always let them know they were loved and wanted. It wasn't always easy, especially when they were babies and I was sleep deprived but I've always made sure I was there for them.

Like many others on here I had suicidal thoughts and struggles with addiction. It was through working a 12 step program that I finally started to love myself and to heal. To anyone struggling with this, there is someone that loves you unconditionally. That someone is your Higher Power, in other words, a power greater than yourselves. Be it God, Buddha, nature or whatever you choose as your higher power.

I do still struggle with thoughts of being unwanted and unloved. Sometimes when calling friends, I have the thought that I shouldn't be calling them, that I'm bothering them. I just stop and tell myself that I am worthy of having friends and they want to hear from me. Daily affirmations help. I'm going to leave you all with one that always helps me "I am uncondtionally loved at this moment, I always have been, I always will be" Robert Burney

These are all really sad stories...and what's even sadder is that they're all true...
I'm not an unwanted child, but I do feel the pain of the others who are...I pray for those who feel unloved and unwanted...but don't forget-God will never let us go, He will always love us and care for us, even if parents may not.
(If you're wondering, which you may not be, I just came upon this site because I'm writing a story about an orphan, and was wondering if this could help me...and it has a lot.)
Even as I write my story, I feel upset and angry at how parents treat their children, even when they're only babies. What can a helpless baby do? Nothing. And she/he hasn't done anything to deserve the harsh treatment...I thank the Lord that He shows us His great and unending love and mercy...
I hope that you feel His love and remember that you're not alone, whatever happens to you...

Since I was little I always felt that my mother never loved me. And one day my mother told me that I was an unwanted child when i was 13, she told me she did not want to have a second child. I always thought my mother just loves my brother more than me. I always convinced myself that my mother was just tired from work. When I arrive from school she asks me how was school and I tell her everything but she never bothered to listen. When I got problems with homework she doesn't help me. When I got very good grades she just say "good" and if my brother gets good grades she always compliments my brother of how smart he is. My mother never said that she loved me. I always said "I love you" to her, she doesn't even bother to reply to me. I always do what my mother says but she never appreciates it. My brother has been arguing with my mother lately because of my father. Since then she started to talk with me a bit more. Does that mean I was just a replacement for my brother? In school I'm being bullied, I can't fight back because my mother will get very disappointed in me when I do something bad. Why didn't she just kill me when I was still a fetus, had an abortion? I sometimes ask myself why was I even born? for what reason am alive? Why are they doing this to me? Why does it have to be me that was an unwanted child? Why can't she just love me like my brother? I always thought of commiting suicide but I never had the courage to. I always imagine what the future will be without me and it turned out quite happy. If I wasn't born my mother and father are probably still together. My brother could stay out late at night, go to parties when my mother isn't there and would get everything he wants. I started to read mangas and became addicted to it now I have a reason to live for, I always say this to myself "You can't die yet, you still need to read the endings of many mangas, if your finished reading it all, there still will be more to read so you can't die yet...you can't die yet" Those little comic books helped me cherish my life even more.

Those who lost their reason to live, find a new one. Its not easy but this is just another trial to have a happy ending, just like any other trails. Try to do your best for them until they depend on you, they will start to love you day by day. Just like me I'm being loved by my mother more after 2 years of hard work. Good luck in creating a better relationship with your parents.

My mom had me at 18. My dad was 20-21. My dad was very irresponsible back then & still is. She never even planned to have children. My dad used to cheat on her all the time. My mom was pregnant with my brother at the same time my ex step mom had my half sister. Since then my mom swurd that she will not go back with him. Since she was so mad with him she move to a country for a year and decide not let me & my brother not to know him more. We went back & ever since I tried to have connection and communication with my dad. When I was 5 years old I came to know the reason why I didn't spend time with my dad. He was a drug user. Couple years later I saw him getting arrested. That crashed my heart. I felt so much pain inside me. I will cry every night . My mom never pay attention to me or my brother since she got married. I was her shade. She will scream at me or beat up for everything I did wrong. Then she had my little sister. She grounded me was to get on my knes leaving my hands up and looking towards a wall. It will go on for hours. She used let my step dad hit me too. I used to tell my aunt everything. She was my bestfriend but then she had to leaved the country. I was alone ever since. Everything got worse. I used to get verbally abuse and how much she wanted to not have children. How I ruined her future. She wanted to be a psychologist but never had the chance to do it since she had me at such a early age. I feel guilty for it. As I started to be a teenager she divorced my ex step dad. I had hopes back then. We became close. But then it all vanished. She had a new boyfriend who is now my current boyfriend. As of my dad well we used to write letters. Couple years after my mom became more abusive she will start hitting me with things. It was amusing for her boyfriend. He would laugh at the whole thing. I was and Im still constantly humiliated by her and he enjoya it. I was lonely and starter looking for love somewhere else. (not sexual just boyfriend attention) She stopped cleaning the house and cooking & all those chorus I had to do. I took care of my brother and sister for 3pm to 9pm everyday. I wasn't allowed and I'm still not allowed to bring friends or go out with friends (I'm 15.) all did was clean, cook, homework (GPA 4.2), always been a honor roll or distinguish honor roll students, & was always told how bad of a sister I'm , how bad of a daughter I'm and how I'm disrespectful, irresponsible, & so on. I kept trying harder to win my mom approves but I never have & I never will, then I had this amazing boyfriend when I was 12 & since then he has become my bestfriend, my everything. Most of the "my friends" are not. Only have like 5. I always get yelled at for everything. Now when. She want to grounds me up is not been able to have any communication outside d school with my boyfriend. I tried to talk to her but she said I was been disrespectiful and I should be thankful for all she have giving me. One days I put a status Facebook about how some parents don't deserve to be parents because and she got more mad and that's when she started telling me that she will only do things for herself and that I could basically go **** myself and go to hell. & cried again because I feel neglected. She doesn't let me cry she says I'm just trying to act like the victim all the time but to be honest I cried because I'm so fed up with everything that that's the only things I can do. She also told me that if I ever tell my problems to someone or write something on Facebook she will beat me up for it. I'm not allowed to see my father. I ask her if she can please take me to a psychologist and she will ether act like she didn't heard me or say maybe. She says I can't complain about anything because she has worst problems than me, like paying the bills and the mortgage. My opinions about things are not taking in to cosider cause I'm a dumb teenager who knows nothing about life. I have thought about suicidal but I won't do it because of my boyfriend. Now I go to school everyday with barely no friends and trying to act like everything is find. I remember web I was in kindergarten I used to see my friends taken to school by their dads. I now know that the will never happen. I pretend everything is find cause I don't want people feeling bad for me. My mom has only been hear for me economically not emotionally. My dad either. My mom hayes My dad. She said that for get he is dead. I dont want to tell no one that could help me because I love them even they don't give a **** about me. I just hope my future gets better. I believe my boyfriend is the angel that god send for me here in the physical world.

Mom had me at 17, Dad 20. He never wanted me while Mom cherished me and eventually my brother and sister. If it weren't for her I would have committed suicide. At 32 I had my son. He was not a surprise, he was very much wanted. I did everything opposite of how my Dad raised me,,,I showered him w/ love, encouraged him and he knew every moment that he was the light of our lives. I was able to shower the love onto him that I never got and that giving of love made me feel love, it still does. You can shower YOUR child w/ the love you never got if you choose to have a child,,,it worked for me. I hope your life turns out just the way you want,,work hard for it. PS: At 50, I have now chosen to put my father out of my life and that too will work,,maybe for you too in regards to your Mom.

This is such a sad post. I understand how you feel, but I have a much different story to tell. I was the result of an unplanned pregnancy to a young, unwed mother - the result of a one-night stand, even. My mother's family also tried to convince her to have an abortion (they had succeeded several years earlier, something my mother never truly recovered from).

Well, "I" was the reason my mom dropped out of college, why her life took a very unexpected swing, why she never again dated or married... but I never felt unloved or unwanted. My mom sacrificed everything for me. I do carry some guilt about this, but not any guilt she put on me - just guilt I put on myself. Especially now that I'm grown and have my own husband and child - I just wish so much for her, that she had been able to pursue more of her own dreams, that she had met a good man who would have given her the love she deserves.

She became a Christian when I was a baby and I think that had the most profound impact on both of our lives. My mom taught me that God was the perfect father, that He would overcome any shortcomings - from either my non-present dad, or my mom. I had a very loving, secure extended family who never made me feel unwanted. We were very poor, but my mom certainly felt the stress of that more than I did. I know she struggled with wanting to give me more, but kids don't need "more" - they need love, and I had hers in spades.

I had a difficult pregnant with months of vomiting. I had a horrific delivery which I still haven't recovered from, although I've been working through it and am in a much better place now than I was. I think PTSD from birth experience is far more common than is talked about. I struggled with my emotions for several months after my son was born - especially in the beginning. I didn't feel like I loved him initially. I never had that immediate "maternal love" that consumes everything. At one point I whispered in his ear "I don't even want you". (Then I bawled my eyes out from the guilt). But as the hormones settled down and I got more sleep, that slowly disappeared. My love for my son grew, and is now unbelievable - and he's not even 1 year old yet! Hormones are SO powerful, I think they are really underestimated. I am pretty anti-medication, but I have seen antidepressants have such a life-altering, positive impact on peoples' lives. I am thankful that my hormones resolved themselves within a few months after my son's birth, but I have friends whose persisted and have really found "themselves" again now that they're on a little medication to help even out those hormones. Anyway, all that to say - I don't think that a difficult pregnancy and/or delivery and/or unexpected/unplanned pregnancy necessarily means that the mother will struggle with loving her child. I think some mothers will struggle with that even if they are married and the pregnancy is wanted and planned and everything goes perfectly. Others will have everything go "wrong" but will be filled with love from day 1. I think most people are somewhere in between.

To the original author - my first thought when I read your piece was that you must not have children... only because you said things like "your mother had X, so she must have felt Y". As I said above, I was very sick with my pregnancy and had a horrific delivery, and although I struggled a bit with hormones after my son was born, I love him like CRAZY and we are planning to have another sometime in the next 1-2 years. It sounds to me like your mom was dealing with her own issues - I'm sure being sick during her pregnancy didn't help, but I just want other readers to be cautious when reading that... have a difficult pregnancy or delivery doesn't necessarily "set you up" for having trouble loving your own kids...

We all go through various difficulties - it's good to acknowledge what those are and to grieve for what we've missed - but then it's up to us how to proceed. We are responsible for making our lives better, or not. For the influence we have on the lives of those around us. We are all victims of *something* - but we can either choose to live as victims, or to rise above. I wish you all the very best in your journeys to conquering a more positive life! I thank God for His presence in my life, I would have been lost without Him.

I am now 38 years old and have always had a very low self-esteem, told lies and stories just to get attention, I've had 3 three abortions, fighting addiction and generally wish that I was dead, until I had my little miralce. Having your my own child and treating her the same as I felt only made me want to change and find out what is wrong with me. It's been a 6.5 year journey through pain and various obstacles, but everytime I do not want to play with my child or give her attention something in me just rebells at the thought and I try and try and try again. I am thankfull to say I just started councilling and found out what my problem is. I am a unwanted child, but the difference is I will make my child grow up feeling wanted, loved and needed. I will break this vicious circle only because I know how to, because I know how it feels and I will not lie down and feel sorry for myself, but I will fight, fight, fight until my daughter and mother feels my love and undying devotion. Yes my mother also, because I found out she was an unwanted child too and her own mother (my grandmother) made her feel like **** her whole life through.<br />
<br />
Thanks you God for being my rock and always being there for me, thank you for being the difference in my life.

When I was a new born my mother and dad split up because my mother coudn't stand him , so while growing up my dad was in and out my life, but when I went to see him for visit (On weekin) he would be there drinkin and talk to me and assult me about my mother and who she mess with dopeheads and sayin she is no good to you because she don't know how to think and if I was with him that I woud be more of a man and after all that he would get mad anyreason and start hittin me and me being so young I was helpless I coudn't defend myself. After the weekend was over I went back to my mother and we use to always go over my grandmother house to eat while we was over there my aunt and uncle come over and tell me how much I look like my dad and I use to always say no I don't I look like me and me being so young I didn't realize that they where pickin went me, now am almost 29 and just now realizeing that I look like and proply carry some of his and that is what they don't like about me.

My mother told her children, including me, that she never wanted us all the time we were growing up. We felt her anger and resentment. Fortunately I had a loving aunt and grandmother, plus my father was quite nurturing for a depression raised male. I have been in awe most of my life of the inner confidence that people have who grew up knowing they were loved by their mothers. Later in her life, when her kids were leaving home, my mother tried to reverse her position but by then if was too late. When the kids left she was left alone because she had never developed friends. I suppose I have a special need for women and may have spent my life seeking mother love, which is not what a spouse is made to give. I suppose also, in a contrary way, it has made me shy and distant from people. Still, I have lived a good life and have learned to enjoy my own children and grandchilder, although probably not in a typical way.

Ironically, I would say that you were lucky. As an unwanted child, I was made aware of that fact repeatedly, and I was *not* surrounded by other people who adored me. It floors me when people make claims like, “There are no unwanted children.”

My heart goes out to you all. I always felt like my mother didn't like me and I would overextend myself seeking her approval... but, I learned a long time ago she will never be satisfied... and she still isn't but, I don't really care.. I feel like that's her problem. I was doing some reading and stumbled upon this article and was wondering if any of ya'll would read and comment on your thoughts/opinions. I think this woman doesn't know what she's talking about because she's never been in ya'lls shoes.<br />
Here's the link:<br />
http://liveaction.org/blog/unwanted-child/<br />
<br />
thanks!

I know I was un wanted, the youngest of 5 children. I was given away as a baby, only to be forced to be given back to my mum. She never raised me, I grew up un loved by my parents and it messed me up big time. I ended up in expelled from shcool and in prison by the age of 15. I blame my mum and dad for it all. I didn't ask to be born and didn't ever stand a chance with the family I got. I wish my gran had never made my mum get me back when I was given away. I'm all messed up and struggle to understand why! Why do ppl have kids they don't want? A baby needs love thru its childhood, not getting it realy screws them up. I don't know if I'll ever get my life to something resembling normal. I hate my parents for what they did.

my mom always calls me a friggin snob, idoit, and ALWAYS slaps me, she also only thinks of herself, i have felt unwanted my whole life. she just slapped me actually and i told her that i actually didn't cry this time because i was used to it. and i told her i didn't appreciate how she was treating me. everyone outside of school says i am so lucky, but don't judge a book by its cover

I think as a person gets older they get more confident and see things differently. I used to be ashamed of being unwanted by my mum and never spoke about it. I am not now I know I am not to blame, she was an immature, bitter woman who never took responsibility. I have learnt to forgive but sometimes the hurt comes back but i have to forgive again why should I let someone else,s actions make me insecure and miserable all my life. she was a selfish woman I dont have alot of respect for her doing that theirs no need to tell a child they are not wanted, they just want to ease their own consciences I think. I am glad I have my faith my parents made me feel insecure but God makes me feel secure as in the bible it says i am chosen and fearfully and wonderfully made. It all contradicts everything i grew up with and we dont have to accept and belive what our parents said its just their opinion their screwed up immature mentality and selfish not to care how these things affect their children and not to apologise and take responsibility. I have learnt their are millions of people in the world who want children and cos our parents did not want us which is a bad thing to say to a child their would be many others who would love and accept us. I have children and grandchildren who love me now and that life with my crappy parents is a long way away. move forward and dont accept their viewpoint they are just messed up bitter people. You are special cos God made you so and believe what God says about you not their crap.

My mom told me that I was unwanted while she was drunk when I was eleven. She told me how my father had lied to her about protection and that he forced himself on her. I was the result, yay. She proceeded to tell me why she didn't want me, money, marrital situation and all that ****. Afterwords she told me that although I was an unwanted pregnancy, that she still loved me anyways. But as I look back on my childhood and pretty much my whole life, I realize how she made it very plain how unwanted I really was. Telling me things like when my step father proposed marriage that she was willing to give my brother and I up to our father, my ste[p father said no, all or none. Then there was the blatant favoritism towards my brother and sister. I was usually ignored, always the one punished for **** my siblings did, grounded most of my childhood and always was the threat that she would send me back to my father. As an adult it has always been the same, my brother and sister who are both drug addicts and have both gone through 2 divorces and one is remarried the other engaged always get first consideration from mom even though they do nothing to help my parents out when help is needed, while myself, who is still married to my one and only wife of 22 years, has helped her and my step dad whenever they needed it am the one who gets **** on. Maybe someday she will wake up and realize what she had in me her son, but I doubt it. All I know is that knowing that you are unwanted by any parent is the hardest thing a child could ever go through and the scar is permanent.