A Failure At 7 Years Old.

The only way I got to know my mother's personality was through her anger. That's all she ever expressed to me. And I was a very observant child. She also expressed continuous disappointment in me for not being interested in a career in some field of science. I liked science in school, from elementary through high school and did well in my classes, but was not going to pursue it as a career like she did; as a lab tech. Yawn.

This relates back to the core issue of her being a narcissist. If I didn't reflect HER back to her, by becoming a small version of her, while idolizing her, then there MUST be something wrong with me. I didn't want to follow in her footsteps.

Actually, I ended up following in my absent father's footsteps. He was an unknown to me. I grew up not ever meeting him (until I was 27 but that's another story). He wasn't discussed except for the occasional comment from Grama in disgust of his leaving mom and me "I wish a bullet up his ***!" Apparently, he was an artist. I found this out in my teens. Not a career held in any esteem by my family.

From the time I could hold a writing implement, I was an artist. I drew. On everything, everywhere with whatever was available. My Uncle was very instrumental in developing this talent in me by always bringing huge sets of Crayolas or Marvy Markers and pads of paper. Fingerpaints were so much fun and really got me into color. I was very creative and dreamt of being an artist when I grew up.

This pained my mother. In elementary school, I was already a failure to her before I even became anything. I was yelled at as we drove to and from anywhere. I was embarrassed by her yelling at me in stores and restaurants. But she never yelled at me in front of people she knew. That would reflect badly on her, wouldn't it. I related to "Sybil" when it was shown on TV, although I was really not physically abused, I was certainly emotionally abused. Those scars never healed.

My grandparents didn't have to yell at me to show me I did something that needed correcting. That's who really raised me with love and kindness. I will always be grateful to them and my Uncle. How else could I have survived?

qazrazl qazrazl
41-45, F
3 Responses Feb 18, 2009

Pointless comment. This is about venting and processing at my own pace, for my own purposes.

look forward to good times and forgive, for your own mental health

Thanks for relating and showing support. It doesn't always hurt to remember these things anymore, but still gets me angry at times. <br />
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I believe being aware of the capacity of a tendency or fault helps in keeping you from becoming it or doing it (to your kids).