It was the worst time in my life, everyday was painful and I caused the people I love so much harm. But somehow I still miss it some days. The person I see in the mirror, even now my second year in recovery looks like an ugly stranger, and I feel myself longing for the face and body I feel I truly belong in so often. Even now after two years every bite is a struggle because she's still back there in the dark corners of my mind, taunting me every time I look at food. I hoped with all my heart in those years that I would get so thin one day that I would whither away and disappear, and even now that feeling lingers. The mocking voice in the back of my head, telling me that no one will ever love me unless I'm thinner. I'll always be ugly unless I'm thinner. I'll be worthless forever, unless I'm thinner. How do I make it stop, where is the line? Even then, thin as a rail and on the edge of death I felt disgusting, misshapen and fat. The feeling has only gotten worse and I fear relapse every day.