Register

I Was Anorexic

Somehow I Miss It

By: missdeth
Written on July 21st, 2011
It was the worst time in my life, everyday was painful and I caused the people I love so much harm. But somehow I still miss it some days. The person I see in the mirror, even now my second year in recovery looks like an ugly stranger, and I feel myself longing for the face and body I feel I truly belong in so often. Even now after two years every bite is a struggle because she's still back there in the dark corners of my mind, taunting me every time I look at food. I hoped with all my heart in those years that I would get so thin one day that I would whither away and disappear, and even now that feeling lingers. The mocking voice in the back of my head, telling me that no one will ever love me unless I'm thinner. I'll always be ugly unless I'm thinner. I'll be worthless forever, unless I'm thinner. How do I make it stop, where is the line? Even then, thin as a rail and on the edge of death I felt disgusting, misshapen and fat. The feeling has only gotten worse and I fear relapse every day. 
By: missdeth
Age: 22-25 , Female
170 people have read this story

Your Response

Please respond with authenticity, support, and respect
By clicking "Post", you confirm that you agree to the Terms of Service of Experience Project, Inc.
1 response
  • butterfly118
    butterfly118

    I know this feeling. Somehow I feel like how I feel about myself on the inside is what I see on the outside. It is only after I deal with my inner demons that I start o feel beautiful on the outside too. For me it was never really about the food. It was only a symptom of something deeper. Even though I know this, its hard to believe, but its true. No matter how much I starved or purged my body, I couldn't get rid of the feeling until I started talking and sharing my story. I know therapy can sound like a bunch of junk, but it does work. At least, it worked for me when I was willing to really work hard. Its still very hard, but I hope this gives you some hope.



    I hope that you can figure out the larger issue so that you can see how truly beautiful you are.

    Jan 25, 2012
    1 like