Chain Reaction.

My father beat and mentally tormented my mother, my elder brother and me.

My mother beat and mentally tormented my elder brother and me.

My elder brother beat and mentally tormented me.

 

I beat the dog when no one was looking;

 

and dreamed of hurting others in many awful sick ways,

just to escape in my mind from my reality-

from being down at the bottom of the chain.

 

I feel so dirty, right through from the inside.. like my soul is stained black and will never be clean again. I was a monster.

demonizd demonizd
31-35, M
4 Responses Mar 1, 2010

I'm sorry, I came across as being particularly upset about this at the moment. I'm not really.. I just saw people were posting stories in the group and realised I'd not posted mine. Thanks for all your comments.

prayers

there isn't any astonishing revelation of character in passing the abuse down when it's a lesson you learned at the ***, so to speak. what else are we, while a child, than what we know? <br />
if you still beat animals, that's all on you. but Christ, don't waste your precious energy on feeling guilty about whatever you had to do to cope. <br />
<br />
the baddies, my dear, do not years later feel such guilt and remorse. i don't feel bad that as a child i put sugar in my mother's gas tank when she split my lip open, but i wouldn't do it now...feel what i'm saying?

I feel the need to respond to your entry bit I'm having difficulty finding the right things to say that'll express my feelings.... The stain on your soul is not from your imaginings or actions during the time you lived this horrible truth. YOU did nothing to cause any of it. As an innocent, the mind does anything it can to survive and cope...especially the mind of a child. Like a snake shedding it's skin your soul can be freed of the darkness that surrounds it if you can find a path to forgiveness. Not forgiveness for your abusers. Not forgiveness for those people that could have intervened but didn't. Forgiveness for YOURSELF. You didn't ask to be born into a family situation like this. You lived the things you learned. Forgive yourself for blaming yourself and set the blame squarely on the shoulders of those that deserve it and feel your soul free itself of the suffocating cloak of guilt that is not deserved. Let yourself off that hook friend. Free your soul.