I Should Have Been Born A Man

What i am about to say is not a complete thought. Its just from my hear. I'm saying it as it comes to me. As god sends it to me.

I have always been wrong. Just different. I was born female. but my mind and body always disagreed about that. My mind would say " talk in a deeper voice, that sounds more natural" my body would tell my mind "no, You talk in a high voice, that's more acceptable." it turned out to be true. So why argue? do what society tells you, don't do what comes natural. That's how I live.

Its so hard. I wish I could explain to you people how hard it is. How hard it is to wear tight fitting clothes like society tells you to, when you want to wear saggy jeans and a beany cap. I wish I could go to the beach and not wear a shirt like I want , Like the rest of my kind. I wish I could go somewhere without wearing makeup and not have somebody telling me to "look pretty."

I wish i could be who i want to be without having somebody tell me to "act like a female." i wan't to tell them so bad that I'M NOT A FEMALE!!!!! I'm a guy!!!!! I DON'T WANT TO WEAR MAKEUP!!!! I DON'T WANT TO WEAR MAKE UP!!! I feel GAY WHEN I WEAR GIRL CLOTHES!!!!! I WANT TO WEAR CLOTHESS THAT DON'T CHOKE ME!!!!! but i can't.

I seriously can't. The black female culture doesn't allow it. We're supposed to be strong and take ANYTHING life gives us.

Even if life put you in the wrong body.

Its not life. Its GODS FAULT.

I feel like I shouldn't blame God because I was raised Jehovah's Witness. (who are christian). How would I look if I blamed he who gave me life?
But I answer that question by saying I DON"T WANT LIFE!!.

I spent about 3-5 years wanting to die. Praying for death. Kill me so I won't disappoint my family. I can't commit suicide. ThatS's selfish. I can't do that! I LOVE my family. But i can't tell them I'm transgendered.That would practically kick me out the family. And i need them. They are the blanket and the candel light in my blizzard. Telling my friends is Completely out the question (so don't ask).

Smoking weed is my outlet. Everything is funny. Even the pain. LoL what pain? who am i to complain when people feel so much worse than i do?

My friends complain about the guys. "Ugh all guys want is sex. I hate it when they look at me cause i know what they're thinkin!."
I think to myself EVERYTIME i look in the mirror, "how can people worship God if some KNOW the mistakes he makes?"
what i'm saying is....how can transgendered people sincerely serve god? I don't know about you but NOTHING is more uncomfortable than being UNCOMFORTABLE in your own skin...........

NOTHING is more uncomfortable than being UNCOMFORTABLE in your own skin...........
NOTHING is more uncomfortable than being UNCOMFORTABLE in your own skin...........
NOTHING is more uncomfortable than being UNCOMFORTABLE in your own skin...........
NOTHING is more uncomfortable than being UNCOMFORTABLE in your own skin...........

I just wanted you guys to read that 3 or 4 times so you can understand.
I. Hate. My. Life.
I mean every single LETTER of the sentences that I copied and pasted before. No joke. I swear to god :'-(

How can i love god when i blame him for making me this way? How? I seriously don't understand..

Do you wake up every single day hating yourself? THat's a serious question. BUT here's the catch!! You are NOT gay!! lol

I am an african american female who feels.....KNOWS she should have been born male but who is sexuallly attractted to males!

Is that a joke god? I'd be SO much easier if it were a choice GOD!!!

How would my friends react? my family? mother? father?

did you think about that before you made me backwards?

I really want to kill myself but I can't!!! DO you know how many people would be hurt???? Do you know how many people I make LAUGH on a daily basis???

Hey god! quick question! so yo mean to tell me that NOT ONLY did you make me backwards but you also gave me a loving family that i could never EVER hurt in my life? really? you put two little girls in my life who make me think that 'Hey maybe I won't be such a ****** parent like MY parents'. WHY GIVE ME HOPE IF I WAKE UP HATING MYSELF!!??!???!??!!?!?!?!??!!??

Thank you for listening.

I want to live in a world free of judgement. That's what would make me want to live.

I'm sorry so long. :-(

Tears of a clown.
An Ep User An EP User
4 Responses Jan 20, 2013

i am a boy ho wahts to be a girl.come to my house and we have a chat

Very touching. Im pleased to be able to understand some of what you feel. The frustration is beyond explanation.

You're not alone. I feel the same way, really. Thank you for sharing :)

I know EXACTLY how you feel.