Begging For Death

My name is Kimberly. I am 17 now. Please do not continue to read if you are easily triggered.

When I was little, I don't know what age exactly. My father would kiss me in wierd ways. On my third birthday he came into my room and said that I had forgotten to open one of my presents. He told me to undo his pants and close my eyes. I was three I had no idea what was happening. So I did. He grabbed my face and started shoving himself in my mouth. I bit him and he punched me in my face. He told me I was a bad girl so he had to punish me now. I stupidly turned around expecting a spanking. Instead he spread my legs and started fingering me. He got up to three fingers in. I was screaming and crying hysterically. When he put his third finger in it hurt so bad. Then you tried to rape me. He barly got the head in and I passed out from the pain. From that night on unitl I was six we had a "game" that we would play. He would finger me and lick my vagina and a** and I would suck him and then we would see how much farther in he could get from the night before. He finally left my mom when I was six.

Then when I was 11 I was at a party and had gone outside to have a cigarette. I will always regret that smoke. One guy came up to me and asked me to go to his house and fool around. I considered myself a virgin and was not about to loose it with some random guy so I said no. Then he left and came back with three of his friends. They grabbed me and took me to a truck. I was thrown in the back seat with one of them on each side of me. I screamed and cried and begged with them to let me go. I told them I would do anything they asked. He replied with, "I would be doing what they asked whether I wanted to or not." After what seemed like forever we got a normal looking house. They carried me inside. The room they put me in had a mattress, pull up bars across the ceiling, a chair with no bottom, a wooden cross, a steel X shaped device, a pole, and what they called the toy wall. It was covered with knifes of all shapes and sizes, sexual toys, and so many other weird looking things. They took turns coming in a raping me. One, two, three, even four at a time. They enjoyed tying me to the pole with a rope around my neck connected to the ceiling so tight that I had to be on tip toes to breath. They shoved everything imaginable in every hole I had. They created holes to stick things in with the knives that were hanging on the wall. They tied me to the chair and took something like an Emery board and took off the first layer of skin off of my labia. I blacked out probably 7 or 8 times during the night. I begged them to kill me so many times. After they were done I was covered with blood and come and tears. Sometime the next night they grabbed me and took me back to the truck. I thought they were finally going to kill me. I had begged them to kill me so many times already. They threw me out of the truck and onto the side of the road. It took me hours but I was able to crawl to the nearest place, a gas station. I asked the manager to let me call someone and I called my best friend. He came and got me and took me to the hospital. After countless stitches and two blood transfusions and a few days in the hospital I was allowed to go home.

My dad didn't give a **** and my step brother came up to me after and said, "now that your not a virgin anymore I won't feel guilty about this." I had no idea what he was talking about. Well he was a druggie and a dealer and when he couldn't pay his suppliers he would sell me for $10 every half hour. They were allowed to do what ever they wanted as long as they did not take me out of the house. His dealers, his friends, and even he himself would rape me for hours on end every day. It was horrible. I remember one man came in with a bowie knife. He said, "Your **** are so gorgeous that I am going to have to take them with me." He started to cut one off when my stepbrother heard me screaming louder than usual he came in and remarked, "Hey man you can't damage the merchandise." He took me to a docor friend of his and had him stitch my boob back on. These men used to shove things like bottles, bats, lamps and plugged in curling irons in my vagina and a**.

I got pregnant twice. The first time I was five months along when he took a baseball bat and forced me to misscarage. The second time I was not quite that far along and he pushed me down two flights of stairs. I lived in that house for two years before I finally got the strength to leave.

Since that I have been raped by 4 boyfriends, beaten by 7, and nearly killed by one. I don't understand what is wrong with me and why I attract these kind of men.
escapingmemories escapingmemories
18-21, F
11 Responses Jul 10, 2010

My G*d, this is probably 1 of the most horrific stories I have ever read. ((( BIG, safe hug from fellow survivor )))) ( And, I have been working W/ rape & ****** survivors 4 a long time. ) *Sometimes, there just seems 2 B no end 2 the depravity of man! Please know that U did absolutely nothing 2 warrant this barbaric treatment. However, U will B the 1 trying 2 deal W/ it 4 the rest of ur life. ( I know - adds insult 2 injury doesn't it? ) How R U these days?

You are a true survivor. Know that there is still good in the world and you have cheerleaders. You have so much worth. Sending love and prayers!

Am so sorry for what happend to u Inever had read something like this in my life but if u can trust anybody why even be with someone u could always go to ah Home place they will help u

that is one of the worst things ive ever read in my life im so sorry

I am so sorry. I don't know what to say. I'll just pass love on to you.

Hey Kimberly I'm sorry that happened to you if it makes you feel any better I'm different I'm sweet kind loving and still a virgin I don't force girls to do things they don't want to do hey why don't you give me a texts or call my name is Wesley here is my number 626 252 9668 hope to hear from you soon

Please lil sister, never realize it's YOUR fault, culpabilisation is a devilmind feel. Woman had NEVER a role in it, only BAD BOYS with their rotten 'mind/habit/gestures/education' hurt girl or woman.<br />
I think with thoses guys the better therapy to understand hurt they inflict to woman, was they could take the place of a woman during a day long...<br />
Dry Yours tears, little dove, Open Your Soul to the beauty of Nature, Your friend all arround Your life, Your family.....<br />
I wish You a flowerly day.<br />
Sincerely : Julie :)

I want to thank you all for your kind words and support. This has been a very difficult time for me and I fear that the scars, physically and emotionally, will never heal or go away. I am working on learning to live, not in fear but instead in cautiousness. I'm still not sure I will ever be ok but, you guys are truly helping me so much in realizing it was not my fault and that I need to figure out who I truly am, not who they made me and that I need to love who I really am. Thank you all again.

I have been 'triggered' and sit here stunned and can hardly type.<br />
I don't know what to say.<br />
Except some people cant believe some humans are really monsters in human shape.<br />
the bleeding hearts would cuddle these 'monsters' and say horrid things about you.

I have been 'triggered' and sit here stunned and can hardly type.<br />
I don't know what to say.<br />
Except some people cant believe some humans are really monsters in human shape.<br />
the bleeding hearts would cuddle these 'monsters' and say horrid things about you.

Boys and man are often swine. I consider a Lady or a girl must be absolutely preserved from this sort of predator. Alas, we live in a 'male' society. Some 'male' can really understood woman, so they have a 'feminine side' sufficiently developped.<br />
I think boys or man who make violence to lil girl, young woman or woman, do that because they are afraid about feminity and about the power of feminity.<br />
I'm married myself, my wife is so gently, but she don't agree with 'my feminity'. For her, 'a man must be a man -final dot-'.<br />
Youn can see as the role M<>F is often engraved in mind. But I love so my wife, I forgav all :)<br />
Be happy, beautiful young woman, and think some guys are not 'stupid' :))<br />
Above all, don't be afraid about my 'profile' :)