I Want To Kill My Self I Miss My Only Friend

This is gonna be hard for me to say. I just know I'm going to start crying from remember these memories i have lived through. In 5Th grade i had the best friend i could ever have, and other friends. I guess they were popular we hanged out again. By the end of the year my best friend had to go to the other middle school. I was alone my other 'friends' didn't talk to me so i had to make new "friends' they would always ignore me and i was left alone. I really missed my friend i wish i had gone to her school but i couldn't. I would cry to sleep because i didn't want to go to school, be alone. I felt like people would think i was a loner. What would make things worse were that the pretty girls would give me dirty looks, i felt bad. That Christmas was the last Christmas id have with my family happy. My parents bought me a laptop, of course i would make a myspace. I added the popular girls so that they'd think i was cool. At school my friend accidentally told  my crush at the time that i liked him. His girlfriend one of the popular girls started to give me even more dirty looks, and laughed at me. I became very insecure. When ever i wasn't at school she would put on her statuses 'Yes the ***** isn't here!' i would feel so sad. I knew they were about me I had made a form spring and put the link on my myspace status. I would always check if someone sent me something. There was one anonymous letter that said "Your a *****, go suck on your mom.." I cant really recall what she said. But i remember it hurt. The next day at school she would stare at me and laugh. i felt like crying. I told me "friends' they didn't have anything on the Internet they did int care they didn't under stand. 7Th grade came i started dressing dark. My parents would fight. i would stay up at night my brother and i afraid. sometimes at night they'd barge into my room my dad telling me to search in my moms phone to see her private messages. i became depressed and afraid. my mother was cheating on my dad. i started to hate my mom. i wrote in my journal that i would kill her. She eventually found them and got mad at me. My dad would come from work at 6;00. and my mom would always be on the phone ignoring my brother and i. i never really got to experience having friends over. my mom would say shed go to a grocery store that was near but and take as long as 2 -3 hours  my mom would buy me things to keep quiet and not tell my dad. i started thinking about killing myself i wanted to die. i didn't want to live on this planet. i started to remember how much fun i had, had back in 5Th grade my big group of friends. Now i was a worthless, loner, who would never speak in class. who was so shy. my grades began to drop. i kept listening to depressing music which influenced me more to become depressed. i would cut my hair when i was mad or angry i felt like i either had to kill myself or live at a foster home. i wanted to move. i wasn't or will i never became popular. Now i am 13, soon to be 14 in 8Th grade,,, and i have to say that i am still a bit depressed. i still get dirty looks. with all the pressure i have i have now started to dress like many girls i have started to put on makeup. but i am still insecure still some popular girls make fun of me, i still have the same 'friends" i cant wait til i go t high school and see my friend. i have missed her so much. but I'm afraid she wont talk to me because shes quite popular. I hate my social life. I'm still quiet. but i still have an average grade now. I'm so afraid.
shouldibehere shouldibehere
May 25, 2012