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Water Under The Bridge

I was bullied my entire childhood from age 5 to about 15. Looking back I realize I missed everything that made childhood fun like friends, parties, girls, excursion, sports. Well not everything, I became a prolific reader, I learned to love nature, I'd spend hours alone by myself exploring woods and rivers, catching frogs and eels and stuff. Every once in a while punctuated by terrifying episodes of gangs of local kids hunting me and bashing me. I became a fantastic sprinter. I do weights now but I always had amazing calves and legs, I don't train them much and they're around 21 inches, I'm not sure whether they developed from the running or from genetics.

Someone once told me I have a face people like to punch. I spent a long time believing that. I used to have girls come up to me and tell me I was ugly. I don't think I"m ugly but I still get upset and defensive if a girl compliments me on my face. I had teachers join in on the bullying, it seemed like it was catching or something.

One day after all that bullying I was walking into maths class, (remedial) even though I have a pretty good ability to do complex mathematics now, some kid shoulder slammed me into a wall in front of the teacher and I snapped, I knocked his teeth out, cut my hand open on the teeth, there was a lot of blood and I got expelled, no explanation, no questions.

I'm not a violent person, in fact I'm extremely difficult to even get angry but enough was enough. It cost me what little opportunity I had left for an education but it was worth it.

Sometimes I wish I could go back and get revenge on everyone who hurt me, but the reality is they were just kids and they were just being human. I was different and as a species we try to attack that.

When I left school I walk like a hunch back, had severe social anxiety, had a phobia of groups, especially of groups of boys or girls, they were always the worst. Probably the worst of all were the girls, they didn't hurt like violence did but that pain went away pretty quickly, the shame that girls made me feel lasted for years.

I still suffer now, I take medication for anxiety, I still am very nervous around groups of guys, in fact I really don't get along with males at all, I still can't even speak around groups of young girls, the age I was when it was the worst, probably 13-15, older girls I'm totally relaxed around now.

It was horrible, if you read this and you bully people you won't get your come uppence, you'll just grow up and perhaps regret it and have to deal with and probably support the damaged people you help create and if your bullied I have no advice for you, because I can't really see what I could have done differently to change it.
deleted deleted 26-30 4 Responses Oct 5, 2012

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You have always impressed me with your intelligence. I am sure your face is not one someone wants to punch. You are very valuable and would make a very special friend to anyone. Bullies are so stunted. Even when making fun of someone would have made me more part of a group, I never did. I could see I did not want to be like those people.

:) I want u all to know u have choices, if u like who u r, embrace it. If not, change it. How u ask? One thought at a time. I am hen pecking on a little panditial. So if u really want to be different, move forward, stop living in the past u need to change your focus. Msg me. I wish u all well. It is time to embrace who u would like to be :)

Thank you for this post, I too was bullied, and I'm very sorry that this happened to you! I am in therapy now (I was bullied bad in middle school and part of high school) by people that I wanted so much to be friends with and actually came to my house and "befriended" me...just makes me sick! But like you, it made me who I am today, a very empathetic compassionate person! I am now 27, and go to therapy weekly where I have been told due to the bullying has caused me a degree of PTSD! Thinking back on what I was put through and my fear that I constantly had I wouldn't wish it on anyone! Please continue sharing your story! It will only help to stop bullying and educate ignorant people and let others like us know that we are not alone! Love and light xoxo

Thanks for sharing, a lot of what you said rings true for what happened to me too.