~the First Day Of Kinder Garden~

The first day of kinder garden was supposed to be an exciting day...a happy day, a day where I would meet my best friends though that day would all change on the bus-ride back home...my refuge. The little boy sitting one row in front of m said that one little nickname that would change the rest of my life. "Wormy-Haired girl" Now I know this seems like a weak sort of thing to be posting about but after that, I started to wear a head-band in my hair to hide some of it. (My hair is very, very curly and tight in little ringlets, hence my nickname) Through my grades I started to feel less and less confident about myself and I'd bottle myself up...you'd never hear a peep out of me though I wasn't like that with friends but that's really how I presented myself and that's how people would see me as...that one quiet, terrified little girl who was afraid to be torn down for I really didn't have any self-esteem, whatsoever.

Throughout the years I started to hide my hair more and tucked it under a full bandana and I developed a strange phobia of people touching my head because of a time when a girl had tried to rip my bandana off to see my hair. I lost all faith in myself later on when my best friend started to nonchalantly bully me about all my quirks and my main appearance. I just wanted to scream and thrash and yell so very loudly to her face "I didn't choose to look this way, so you'll have to deal with it, Ok?!" but I didn't, I just 'let it happen' and I tear me apart. Best friends aren't supposed to judge you, they're supposed to support you and over the summer she had changed and she became more self-centered and bragged about herself. It made me feel so inferior, like I was totally worthless...I felt as if I couldn't compare to her perfect blonde hair and dimples. Not even one of my close friends dared to assist me or stand up for me when she judged me and made me feel so small, I felt as if no-one cared enough to even waste their breath on me. I've tried to cut myself, I've thought about suicide and I've harmed myself in many ways because of all these things and unresolved issues.

Later on in that year an issue occurred with another so called "friend" yet again, which included my best-friend. After I just ignored it an left, she started to say all these things behind my back and you know what...? No-one did anything about it, no-one stood up for me even when she called me such a horrible thing in front of everyone, many times she had stated it. I know she'd call me crude names, offensive things behind my back and to my face. I didn't know what to do and I just broke down one day when I returned home from another wretched day at school. It hurt so much because it's your best-friend that called you all of these things after the amount of things you done for them...it just hurts. I felt as if no-one cared...no-one said anything or stood up for me.

She started to post things on facebook (Ex."I don't regret spending time with friends, just WASTING it with the wrong people" Or "Trust is like paper, when it's crumpled up it can never be the same again") She made herself look like the victim...when in reality I was the victim, I was the target and I wasted time with her! I just can't take it anymore and I hate everything about myself because of her but at the same time I miss her and I want to forgive her :c

I just feel like everyday, when I feel like the issues are slowly resolving and things are lightening up...I'm being Torn Down and it sucks, completely...I still continue to hurt myself and I just hate everything about me and about my life.
Sixfeetunderthestars Sixfeetunderthestars
13-15, F
1 Response Nov 27, 2012

Hon, what you have to try to understand is you ARE better than her! The very reasons you are bothered by what she is doing proves that! You are so unlike her - in every good way! Try to take some comfort in that. SHE should be the one who hates herself - not you! Try to take some comfort in that. If those unbearable times, focus on that. You are not like her and you never will be. You have a great heart, that is obvious. You know you would never do this to another person. Be proud of that fact! Best of luck to you!

Thank you for your support, I'm getting a bit better but the pain is still there <3