I Was Bullied For 7 Years...

(I am writing this from my mobile and also English is not my first language)

So, from the beginning of the 3rd grade till the last day of 9th grade I was bullied. Before then I was a normal happy little girl with no worries. Once it all started it was the end of that happy little girl and I would never be a normal girl or normal anything again.
For 7 years I was told I was ugly, fat, and worse less, nothing about me was good enough. I was harassed almost every day. It's like you're being brainwashed to believe those things are true. I did believed it was true and I still do some times.

I didn't tell anyone about the bullying, I was to ashamed. I pretended that everything was alright. And I think that it made it worse for me.
After the bullying had stopped I continued to believe that people was thinking bad things about me. It got to a point that I believed I "heard" what every single person I met, I passed on the street or sat across in the subway was thinking about my and it was really ugly.
I stayed inside my apartment for a long time because of it.
One of my therapists that I had one time said that continued to bully myself in my head. Which was true I guess.
I sill do it sometimes but I can handle it now, but it really bugs me that I still have issues about it.
I will be 31 in a couple of weeks and it's about 16 years ago that someone bullied me and it shouldn't still affect me. Unfortunately I think it always will.
Now at least I have people who love me and I believe that they are for real.
I have told people about this now.
About 7 years ago I told my parents, they were shocked to hear it and they felt like really bad parents for not knowing about it or being able to help me through it .
They weren't bad parents, I was just to ashamed to tell them.

Now I wish that would have told them and that's my advice to anyone going through any sort of difficult things. Tell someone that can help you or at least can be there for you.
It's not only this I have kept to myself on the inside and I know now that it's not healthy t store all the bad things inside and hide it behind a fake smile.

That's all I had to say for now.
(my first story)
MarySnow MarySnow
31-35, F
2 Responses Dec 13, 2012

bully's end up feeling bad for being one,,,but it don't help all the hurt they have caused,,,and the lasting problems they can cause to a person,,,,talking about it really does help,,and feel a weight lifted from you,and any other things you have kept inside

I don't really think that all bullies do end up feeling bad and also I don't think that all of them realize what they have done. But I do believe that you are right about talking about it but I have a hard time doing it. I would like to feel that weight lifting from me but after all these years I find it hard to believe that it will be possible.
I keep most things inside but I do find it easier to write about it than to talk about it.

would love to be your friend and chatt with you,,,add me if you would like that

Thank you for sharing your story MarySnow.
I might not understand the school environment of your area but I do understand that feeling of being looked down and treated as an inferior being. I was bullied before too, but that's a story for another time haha xD

Indeed it's not healthy to bottle up all these bad feelings. People are always burdened with the thought of "I need to solve this myself, this is my own business"/"I don't want to trouble others." that in the end, makes them being unable to get anything done and allow matter to get worse.
Don't be ashamed that something that's from long time ago haunts you in the present, the process of realization & getting back up on your feet and the time required differs from person to person.

Thank you for your comment!
That feeling you described is truly awful and no one should ever have to experience it! Sadly I don't think it's possible to stop bullying, kids can be so mean. And also the one who is doing the bullying is often not in a very good place.

I still feel like I am not good enough, like in my work place and such. If someone tells me that I am doing a good job I don't really believe them.

I always compared my self with others, I didn't feel like I had the right to feel bad about my problems because there were always someone who had it worse than me (somewhere in the world).
Also because I have gone for so long not speaking about things I can't speak whenever I try to get something out it gets stuck. That's why therapy never worked thar well for me, I've tried it several times with different therapists, you need to talk when you're in therapy. But I have always been able to write which is good, otherwise I would have gone completely mad.
But I am trying hard to get better to talk to people about things and I think I am getting better.

Dear MarySnow, learn to accept compliments at times even if you yourself don't think you did one. Afterall, they actually pointed it out for that you did a good job, some people don't even bother. xD

Kind people like you always thought this way, "there's always someone who had it worse than me". Well it's true, but still, it's not a reason not having a right not to feel bad. We are all humans. It's natural to feel bad. But im not saying that it will be okay to feel bad for something you have decided to get over with, just saying you should treat yourself better and not make yourself feel inferior yourself.
I quit talk therapy after 1year+, thinking about it back then my experience was a total waste of time and it was of no help to me. I tried with 2, each of half a month+.
Because I'm the type to want to be helped by others but I don't want to open up myself, so i never get anything done. Funny hah? But that's that and its done. xD

Glad that you're improving and trying to improve. Keep it up and good luck MarySnow! :)

You are very smart and cind!

I am really improving, you should have seen me 7 years ago, I was a complete mess!

I have recently started to think about that everyone has the right to their own feelings. If someone feels bad about something someone else wouldn't even think about It's ok. Also I am really trying not to compare myself with others cause everyone is different.

Yeah I get what you're saying about talk therapy, it was truly not my thing either. A waste of time.

Thank you so much Sacriz!

:> all the best for now.

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