Searching For A Way Out
Until this day I still remember the days in school and out the way I was talked to and treated. I think it's given me a complex about myself and how I view things. It started when I was in Middle School and really didn't pick up until High School. I remember one time in Middle School we had some kind of fun day where we had games and stuff to do all day and got out of class. Some people had a soft ball game and I stood back to watch it. Just so happens that someone hit the ball and it like maybe an inch or half an inch hitting me in the temple. And it knocked me to the ground. Nobody came to see if I was alright and I got up and walked inside and called home. It made my head hurt and it just caused a blood blister where it hit. I was very lucky cause if it hit closer it would've killed me. Later on after that kids made fun of me about that. They even did when I got to High School. I was the girl who ate lunch alone alot. And the friends I did have, or at least I thought were my friends when they found someone better to hang with and talk to they would ignore me. It really picked up when I was in High School. I still ate lunch alone alot, got made fun of the way I talked, made fun of cause of my weight and I'm big chested. I've had people make fun of the way I've talked before. I got a southern accent mixed with irish and I've had people mock the way I've said stuff. And I'm a slow learner when it comes to math and I've failed classes before because of that. I've had people call me retarded because I didn't know how to do math. Even on the school bus I've always had a hard time finding seats. And I would ask someone kindly if I could sit with them and they would all say no. So I would go to the bus driver and tell them and he/she would make them move over and in this result they would get mad at me. When I was in High School I found out that I was diagnosed with asthma. I had to wear sweat pants in gym and didn't have any pockets on them. So I kept my inhaler in my backpack. We had to do some laps around the gym that day and by the second time I ran around I started to get out of breath. I stopped long enough to get my inhaler and before I could get it the coach hollered at me and told me to keep running. I told him I was out of breath and I told him what I was doing. And all he told me to do was get a drink of water, like that would help right? He had me to finish my running and I was the last one to finish while everyone watched. I think all the things that's happened to me in school has made me feel really negative about myself. I've had people to tell me I'm pretty and it's made me to the point where I don't believe them. I've always thought I was ugly and no good. It's made me get to where I don't really wanna socialize with anyone too much. I still try to withdraw myself from people and keep my guard up so I won't get hurt. There's times I like to be part of the crowd but I'm afraid of what they'll think of me. I wish I could get all of this out of my head.