It's Over But I'm Not Over It...

It started in third grade. I was either being tortured or ignored. The teachers never noticed. To this day, I can't figure out how someone could be so out of touch with reality. I didn't know how to pretend I was the same as everyone else, so everyone hated me.

No teachers ever bothered to notice and I never told anyone until one day in sixth grade my mom pulled up to drop me off at school and I broke down into hysterical tears. I couldn't face it for another day. I just couldn't. I didn't want to tell her what was wrong, but I eventually did. Not that it mattered. What could she do anyway? It only got worse from there. By the age of 11 I was already becoming depressed.

In the summer before seventh grade I moved. My old school had been elementary school from kindergarten through sixth grade. My new school was a junior high school for sixth to eighth grade. On my first day of school I was the only one who hadn't already been in middle school for a year. I didn't know how to read a schedule. I got lost a thousand times.

I had hoped to start over fresh with this move. To make everyone not hate me. To not feel like an outsider and different and ugly and unlikeable. Did that work out? You guessed it. Absolutely not. It was worse times a thousand. There were all sorts of bizzare rumors. I remember one girl told everyone that I was a witch. That doesn't make sense, but she did and everyone loved that rumor. One guy asked me "Aren't you a little bit chunky for that shirt?". People said nasty things to me at every turn. In the hallways I was purposefully shoved into lockers and in homeroom the kids that sat behind me made fun of me relentlessly. In Spanish the "popular" girls talked about me and pointed and laughed..At the end of seventh grade I had a complete mental breakdown in front of a whole class full of kids.

By this time, I was getting really depressed. By eighth grade I was a goth kid (not to be confused with emo) It was my only defense. It gave me a group and it made everyone think I was too weird to even confront. Well that and the fact that I was so depressed that I contantly had a scowl on my face.The rumors got even more bizzare, of course, but I didn't have to hear about them because no one that spread the rumors ever talked to me at all. The boys were still outright horrible to my face. Throwing things at my head and tripping me in the hallways.

I was morbidly depressed. I was cutting myself and I was miserable all the time. Ninth grade came and went in an alternately depressed or manic haze. I was either cutting myself and contemplating suicide or having delusions of grandiosity and religious epiphanies. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder that year. In tenth grade I got medicated. Things got a little bit better. People were still terrible sometimes, but it was getting better.

By junior year things were finally OK. In elementary school I had gotten straight A's. In middle school I began getting C's. And in ninth and tenth grade I was failing. Now I was getting my grades up. People were accepting me. I had finally managed to fit in. When people said nasty things to me I just sarcastically agreed with them and they left me alone. I wasn't a goth kid anymore. I wasn't cutting myself. Things have just kept getting better ever since then.

But there's a really cool part to this story. I have recieved numerous apologies for the way I was treated. Senior year, Tim, who was one of the kids who made fun of me in homeroom in seventh grade told me he was ashamed of his behavior and we became quite friendly in the classes we had together. Luke, who shunned me and sarcastically joked about me with his friends, apologized to me and said he was an *******. He and I and his whole group of friends, it turns out, are now very close friends. By senior year, most of my class had gotten over all the stupid stuff and banded together. No one really bothered to be cruel or bully anyone. By the end of high school, almost every single one of the kids who has mocked me and spread rumors about me and ignored me had made a concerted effort to get to know me and be friendly. I could tell they felt sorry and ashamed of themselves. They tried really hard and I left high school feeling like everyone wasn't so bad after all...

But I have to say that even though I know that the whole world isn't cruel, the 8 years of bullying took it's toll. It has shaped almost every aspect of me. I wrote a paper recently and I had to list ten things about myself and how those things came to be. Almost all of them somehow related back to being ostracized as a child and teenager. I never realized how much it affected me until then. But even now, when I think about it too hard, it still makes me cry and I go through bouts of extremely low self-esteem sometimes. People don't realize how their actions effect other people at all. Some just don't care anyway, but I left high school thinking that, had most of those kids known what their actions would do to me in the long run, they would have stopped.

finder finder
18-21, F
3 Responses Mar 15, 2010

me neither, if I didn't hear about this site I would have never heard of other people who went through the same thing. My friends don't understand how bad it was and I don't tell them. It's not just the fact that I'd have to open upto them completely but the fact that ive heard them say everyone gets bullied its just something you go through in life........but weve been through the extreme and it is definitely not something I can forget....most people dont understand unless they have been through it.

Yeah I know. I'm really glad I've gotten some closure on some of these things because I know that most victims of bullying have not ever heard an apology. There are some people who never change, but I really do believe that most people aren't so bad. Some are. But not all. <br />
I've never really talked to a person who actually understands what it's like to be completely ostracized. It's really hard to have something that has affected you so much and other people just minimize it and can't empathize with at all.

I completely feel you, everything your saying about how it's made you who you are and has followed you even till now, I agree 100 percent. I'm sorry to hear that you were treated so badly, and how it caused you to change who you were in highschool. And you are right, if people had any idea how it would effect someone in the long run, by the things they say, I really do believe they wouldn't say or do those things. The thing is everyone is so young and immature at that age that no one ever really thought before they spoke or did things. But being so young yourself you are scarred so easily and it really is a sad thing. I'm glad your at ease with those people who caused you so much pain, if only I could say that for myself.