The last time..? Maybe?

So it's been a while since my last post (December) and I was thinking about coming out. Well, things took a hold of itself in it's own way and so much has changed for me. Around Christmas time, I decided to was some clothes since I was on break. My mom was on break too, considering she's a teacher. I was playing games, and failed to hear the machine go off, so my mom went to put my clothes in the dryer. A few minutes later, she came into my room holding up a pair of panties. My panties. I thought I was given away.

Now at the time, I had just started hanging out with this girl. My mom thought they were hers. Now I had a choice. Say they are hers and get away with it or tell the truth.

I told the truth. I really liked this girl and couldn't let her take a blame like that. My mom sat me down and had a talk with me, and it was brought up at my therapist a little later on. (Therapist is for anxiety) It has since never been mentioned and only my mom knows. I have now since been dating this girl, and haven't worn women's clothes since. Sometimes I get the urge, go on my tumblr and **** sites, and it goes away, but I haven't dressed in months.

Now, I am headed off to college on the other side of the state. The safe I keep all my clothes in would be perfect, but I don't want to bring my clothes along in fear of getting caught. A few weeks ago, I made a choice. I got a garbage bag, filled it up with my wig, panties, and other clothing, and drove into town, and threw it in a dumpster, and left it for good. I think this is the end of Ellie.

Has anyone ever went through this and if so, what has happened next?

elliecarr elliecarr
18-21, T
11 Responses Aug 22, 2014

I have been off and on crossdressing and everytime I get rid of clothes thinking I am going to stop dressing I end up buying new

You will adjust to your new surrounding and get very comfortable it won't let you know when it hits you that urge will come back and you will have to decide to follow or not and how every you decide purging is normal until your comfortable with who you are

The purge can get quite expensive. You've spent time and money to build up your wardrobe and then bagged it up and dumped it in the trash. (Good Will or other thrift store so your pretty clothes and shoes can at least get used by someone else)... Then later on your feminine side desires grow to a pulsating ROAR that start with a girlfriend/wife's panties/pantyhose... Then you want to start buying your own again. If you accept it inside yourself, sooner than later, as part of who you are, you'll be much happier with yourself.

Been there done that
With my new understating of me I'm going to fill my wardrobe with happiness

It's called a purge and we all do/did it! And most of us really regret have "thrown it all away". As your desires come back. It comes back because it is part of who you are. We try to hide it because our society fears feminine men and our desire to meet the male stereotype is brainwashed into us from the moment the doctors pronounce us boys. Being feminine and being a guy should not be a crime or a reason to hide. Each of us needs to be who we are so that others we'll see we are who and what we are and need not be feared that we will be weak or not successful because we are feminine.

But why dose it take so long to confront these feelings when I first realized and tried to understand this taboo feeling I was a lot older the Internet saved me from going nuts I had to go through the gay phase thinking it was going to make me gay but I still got a ***** looking at **** so I used **** to pull my self through my teens and twentys thirtys and early forties it was hit and miss then the Internet came along my first question on the first gay site was how gay was I took a short q and a and found out I was straight then binge buying women's clothes because it made me feel good but my addiction to Internet took hold I found a ts site that I got interested in because they are so pretty and my male urges love the new **** but my cross dressing was always a fall back nothing has replaced it and never will I have come to terms with it now and I finally accept me as me a still closet cross dresser

Life and the how's and whys are always difficult to explain. Society is just now coming out of the dark ages as it refers to sex and gender. When we are young our drives move us towards the real us, we just don't know it, and if they are deemed dark drives by society then we get confused as to what is right and wrong. Being transgender to some degree always throws a new twist on things. We have to under stand that sex and gender are different and your sex and or gender has no bearing on which sex you find attractive. As I said, remove the stigma over the different flavored of sexuality and we live our lives with confidence in what we enjoy.

Thanks for your reply it's good to find someone who can talk with sound advise when your dazed and confused

Your welcome any time I can help helps me too! 😄

We have to be who and what the sum total of our life and life experiences are. I don't like that you have to remain in the closet. And I do hope that you have an outlet to express the beauty you are. But I am happy that you may be putting others above your own needs. If your being you puts others in a degree of risk and resentment.

In my world I am the last of my family all has passed I had a life changer when I lost my job and worldly passions I have found a new job not near the money but I had a very good friend stand and give me a place to stay and I'm welcome so being in the closet is where I will be for now I don't want to lose a good friend when the time comes to be confident to go out on my own again we will see where it will lead me

I understand your hesitance. But I think you are in the best place to begin to be who you are. If this person is a friend they will always be your friend and try to understand. Is this person a he or a she? Also our friends see us the way we see ourselves. You might be surprised by who this person sees in you.


We are both men's men he raised a family and has grand kids I raised a mom two brothers and a sister

Men are harder to approach because of our guy codes. But when we do we find that some guys are sympathetic. I have a very good male friend, who is one of my best supporters. But you know him better then I. Have conversations about lifestyles and see where he srands

7 More Responses

First and foremost, you are to be applauded for being honest with your Mom. The next step is to be honest with yourself. We are all different, but if you look at the established patterns of CD'rs, it becomes clear that th:ese feelings rarely "go away for good'. IMHO, the best action would be to accept yourself as you are (CD'r) and prevent a potential lifetime of guilt and/or shame. That is not to say you should show up to classes wearing 4" pumps and a nice blouse/pencil skirt combo, but wouldn't it be great if you felt like you could. I have been all over the board with this issue in my 45 years of CD'ing and am just now finding my way through it.

It's one thing to "tell the truth", but being "HONEST" with yourself is another.

Best of luck to you my little sister ; )

I used to purge all the time and to be honest, it has been a pointless waste of money. Every single time i go and buy more. I still get those feelings where i say that I am done, but i have to stop myself from throwing my clothes because i will most likely just go and buy more. The longest i went was about a year then i ended up buying more. I hope you can break the cycle. It will be tough but good luck.

I've purged about 4-5 times in the last 40 years. I now accept that "once a cross dresser, always a cross dresser."

How come we don't call girls who dress up in their fathers clothing when they are little, or their boyfriends clothes when the are teens and decide that the like the men's wear look when they work at a corporation, "CROSSDRESSERS"?

I think Ellie will be back some day :)

I agree! My experience would indicate that Ellie will become an impatient, pushy ***** that will try to sabotage your success if you don't allow her to be a part of your life. She will also be the most reliable and suppotive friend you'll ever have, if you let her. XOXO

purging is quite common and evertine i did it i went back to dressing

You will eventually get the urge again and start buying more things. It would have been better to bury them, then go back when you get the urge and dig them up. Its expensive to keep buying clothes again.

Well most of us have gone through the purge phase but eventually return to the joys of dressing.
It really depends on many things, not any one that can be clearly identified....If you choose not to dress then it will be so......but I would bet that in a few years you will return.