He Betrayed My Trust But I Still Love Him

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years and have had a great, loving relationship.  He graduated college last year and I am finishing my senior year this year.  He started hanging out with my best friend (who also graduated with him) a lot because she was lonely and depressed and going through a bad time in her life.  They ended up kissing a few times this past month when they were drinking together.  We had a huge fight about it and he basically said he would do anything to keep me.  I am still with him now and I love him very much.  We are trying to work things out and he has done everything right, but I still have these horrible feelings sometimes.  Has anyone stayed with someone that has cheated and can help me deal with this?
blueeyes22 blueeyes22
22-25, F
12 Responses Mar 13, 2007

You should check out www.truthaboutdeception.com

That website was very helpful to me when I discovered that my boyfriend of almost 4 years was lying to me about his contact/interactions with a female friend. The female friend was a problem between us during our entire relationship. I was always worried about that friendship because they had a very shady past, and when I got involved with him, he was staying at her place but they were "just friends." I refused to see him anymore if he didn't stop staying there. He gave back her key and promised that he would distance himself from her. That was almost 4 years ago.

I never said that they couldn't be friends. I just didn't want him to be so close with her. I knew their history. I was never comfortable with their "friendship" and he knew that. To make a long story short, he never distanced himself. He continued to be close to her, but secretly, throughout our relationship. I really don't know the extent because he kept this all a secret. He lied to me. And when the lies were revealed, he said that he *had* to lie to me. He said he did nothing wrong but he didn't tell me because I would have been too jealous and he didn't want to make me upset ... As if being lied to and carrying on a secretive close relationship with a person I asked him not to wouldn't make me upset?!?

I loved him. I was blindsided by this. I still love him. But I can't trust him. We broke up, and I will say that it is really hard. He broke my heart. Almost 4 years and then I discover that the love of my life is a liar?? He said he didn't cheat. Who knows? All I had was his word and the belief that he respected the boundaries of our relationship. Throughout, I was always worried, even paranoid that he was continuing a "friendship" with her because there were clues that told me that they were still close. And each time I confronted him, we fought and he insisted that she meant nothing to him, that he wasn't close to her, and that she was part of his past, not his future. The signs were there but I was so in love with him I wanted to believe him. I wanted to stay with him so much that I went through this over and over again. And when the truth finally came out, unmistakable proof, he tried to lie. But in the face of that unmistakable proof, he finally had to tell me the truth. His secrets and lies shattered my trust in him and that destroyed our relationship.

There are people who understand that relationships are about trust and communication. There are people who will respect the relationship boundaries and who will respect the relationship you share by keeping within those boundaries - not because you tell them to, but because they want to. People who lie in relationships have a lot of other things going on. These patterns can be traced in the way they attach to other people. These patterns are very difficult to break.

He had a choice on whether or not to lie. And you have a choice on whether or not to accept his lying. Because if you caught him at least once, understand that most lies do *not* get caught. Unless the person has done some serious self-reflection and has made a concerted effort to understand their behavior and to change it ... If he lied in the past, he will lie in the future. It doesn't matter how much you love him or how much he loves you, this type of behavior does not simply change upon being caught. And if you are a person who doesn't like being lied to, and who wants more from a relationship, then you need to walk away. You are worth more.

He left me after he cheated, but then asked me to take him back and I did twice. Both times, he lied to me and never really cut it off with her. A year and a half later, he's still stringing me along. He moved to another town, but swore he still loved me, had no contact with other woman (which btw, I see at my work place all the time), and that he was just having a tough time getting over what he did to me the first time. I found out last night that he's back with her again and even though I've asked him point blank multiple times over the past 5 months if he was with her, he still lied. And the joke of it all, is that we weren't together at that point either. He was stringing me along. As soon as I decided to have a life, he brought me back in. I know it works for some people to stay with the person who cheated, but for me, it's been nothing but heartbreak. It's made me feel constantly rejected and not good enough and even as I type this, I question what's so wrong with me.

this sucks but yes I found out 6 weeks ago my wife of 20 years cheated on me a few months ago, worse still she initiated contact and mutually decided to meet after he drove 300 to 400 miles,while I was at work all day. I don't believe the things she tells me, she insists it wasonly 2 hours in the hotel{no one drives that far for only 2 hours] I'm still in love with her and she is doing all the right things too. My only suggestion is this is fresh for you give yourself time a month or 6 weeks and see how you feel. Please don't let things return to normal to quickly I did that and after 2 weeks I blew up and a lot of angry words were spoken. I hope this helps you some, feel free to contact me if yu eed to

hey. i'm going through a similar thing, except i'm not with my boyfriend anymore. honestly, i think you should break up with him. i found out my boyfriend was cheating on me with my classmate, and i broke up with him just yesterday. i still love him so much, but he really hurt me. you deserve so much more than that guy. my boyfriend (now my ex) said he cheated on me because the other girl relates to him so much and they both were feeling depressed. Well, i think you shouldn't date someone who can't make the right decisions and who completely betrayed your trust... basically, i'm suggesting you break up with him. there are many other guys out there, you deserve SO much more than some jerk. it's hard, yes, but slowly you'll get over him

I stayed. It was one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make and some days I regret it, I'll be honest. I don't have any secrets for you but I have to tell you its going to be a roller coaster of emotions. You didn't deserve this and while he was being selfish by cheating, he is also your love. If he truly wants to be with you then he will work with you to make this easier. Your relationship will become stronger if you can rebuild that trust but know that it won't happen quickly. This will take a long time and there will be some bumps in the road but if its meant to be than you two will make it work.

sometimes you can forgive someone but you still find that you never get that trust back. You may not. Did you ditch the friend?

i believe everyone deserves a second chance. It's going to take a lot to trust him again, but if you really think he is worth it and you truly love him give it a shot. I always said if a guy cheated on me I would end it and that would be it but after meeting my husband I began to understand that people are human. They make mistakes. Your heart will tell you if he is telling you the truth. Trust your instincts though.

hey you know what there are alot worse things he could have done. look my girlfriend cheated on me too and we worked through it. its totally your personal decision but if he's doing everything right and wants to be with you i'd give it a shot. my girlfriend did the same and has been good since, he prob learned his lesson and hopefully wont make the same mistake again. and if he does at least you can say you gave him his chance

Ditch him. It just happened to me, and FAR worse. but it started with the little things: the flirting, the puppy eyes, and the hanging out because she had no one else. I thought it was nothing, but no one deserves to be second best with the person they love; they shouldn't even worry about it. There are other people out there who will love you, and more. Even if I can't believe that for myself right now.

Ditch him. It just happened to me, and FAR worse. but it started with the little things: the flirting, the puppy eyes, and the hanging out because she had no one else. I thought it was nothing, but no one deserves to be second best with the person they love; they shouldn't even worry about it. There are other people out there who will love you, and more. Even if I can't believe that for myself right now.

I have never had that happen but it will take a lot of time for you to heal. You will always be scared with the memory though. Only you will be able to tell if he would do it again. Not every girls kind of man that cheated on them is the kind you have. Talk to a pro. He will be able to tell you if it is worth going on with the relationship or not. If every guy who cheats and would do it again, then no psychiatrist would even try solving it. And they always check for a way to see if it can be fixed. So not all guys stay cheaters. I don't even know why they do it in the first place. Where is the self control.

if he did it one he will probably do it again