What Should I Do?

I have read the posts in this discussion and would love some advice about what I should do.

I have been in a committed relationship for the past 12 years. I am 42 and he is 51. Like most people I suppose we had debate / arguements / etc....  but a few months ago I noticed they not the same. He began to personalize issues - "if you werent so fat then X,Y or Z would have happened" [I am 5'7" & 160 lbs]; I used to fone him if he was on the road and we'd chat about the day. Then he started to say I was 'stalking' him and i should wait till he got home the next day or whenever. Gradually over a couple of months he started to find fault with everything from his dinner to his golf swing and said it was all my fault .... that sort of thing.....

A few months ago I turned on my fone after work and there was a voice message. It was him. he must have accidentally hit redial or whatever and because my fone was off it went straight to message recorder. All I could hear was him with someone else in what could only be described as a soundtrack from a blue movie. I was devastated. I couldnt think what to do so just said nothing to anybody and worried and thought about it over and over. Eventually I decided to talk to him about it.

Of course he denied everything - it was just my paranoia - blah blah blah - but then I played back the message and it all came out. It was not just a once off. He had been having an on and off affair for 20 years with a woman from his work. As though that was not bad enough she is 62 - yes sixty two years old [not 6' 2"]. he said it only happened because he was 'bored' and it was my fault. He said if I made more of an effort to do what he wanted it wouldnt happen ever again. The majority of my friends are shared friends with him or neighbours or partners of his friends. We have a lot invested in our house and moving just wasnt an option for me so I decided to try and work things out with him.

Now three months later I am completely wrecked from trying to be exactly what he wants. I find that I practice what I might have to say to him in advance in case the tone or words arent right. I dont fone him anymore and just let him fone me. Thats a bit hard because it means I have come home from work and cook a dinner every evening even though I dont know when/if he'll be home. I am dieting really hard trying to get to 125 lbs and maybe that is why Im finding the going tough. Sometimes I wake up and wish I didnt have to and I just dont know what to do for the best.

Now that I have written this down I realise I should probably try to leave but I do still love him and dont know what I would do on my own. Any advice appreciated. 

AdviceSeeker AdviceSeeker
41-45, F
6 Responses Jun 14, 2007


I'm so sorry for what you had to go through or what you are going through. I know how you feel- I know that's easy to say. But I myself seem to feel confused and not knowing what to do. What gets me is how it is so easy for them to say "It was nothing" or "I was bored" and make you feel like the guilty one. Just remember, be strong and follow your heart!

It takes two to tango, the relationship sounds extremely one sided. If you've been in this relationship for 12.5 years, and he's had an affair for 20 years, it means he's had an affair with this woman for 7.5 years and still decided to get heavily involved with you. Maybe you brought something new to him at the time, but really you should not have to change everthing you do to satisfy him. Sure I believe in self improvement to better a relationship such as working on bad habits, anger etc but really quite ridiculous what he's put you through. You're still young, and I'm not just saying it, you have time to start a fresh & find romance with someone who will treat you right. If you stay in a stressful relationship, where you worry about being critiqued in everything you do, it's unhealthy on you both physically and mentally. It's just an emotional roller coaster he's put you through and it's not even your fault. Perhaps speak to friends, counsellers and see what they have to say, don't solely rely on what we've said here. All the best & wish you well. Stay strong, you've committed a lot in this relationship but just remember if you know things won't improve there's no point digging a deeper hole. Take care

Thank you both Lane and Emerald. When I actually read the post after I posted it I was thinking that if I saw it about someone else it would seem obvious to get out of that situation.<br />
I will figure out how best to leave and then just do it. There is no point leaving until I have someplace to go.<br />
Thank you

I agree with what Lane said. Plus, something else I see. The communication is one-sided. When one partner starts to see problems as You did this, YOU are that, It'd be better if YOU.... ect, it's not a partnership anymore. Someone that wants to make a relationship work as a couple addresses problems from the WE perspective. Oh, and the phone message you heard... I wouldn't doubt if he didn't do it on purpose! Maybe not. Maybe that was a higher force letting you in on what was going on..., but don't be blind to the first warped notion, too!

Honestly from reading it sounds like you already know what the Right thing to do is..but you just dont want to listen to your own advice...well Thats why im here ^_^.. well honestly i really think you shouldnt put up with none of this...Love Can Conquer all..but isnt love Happiness?? You dont sound happy at all..you shouldnt put yourself in the position at all..you can do way better...you Sound like a Tough Independent Women..you dont need him at all....He Does Not Deserve a Great Women Like you....well i Hope i Helped you...Well iF Anything ill Support you in Which ever Decision you Make