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Sex With My Boyfriends Friend from work

I have been with my boyfriend for 9 years and he has been my first boyfriend and first sexual experience.
The event i am writing about happened 2 weeks ago. My boyfriend works at a fast food joint downtown. He befriended his manager named john. John is 26 years old. I am 23 and my boyfriend 24. I had only met John ones at a staffparty and when my boyfriend asked what i thought of him i said that i thought he was goodlooking (he is in really good shape). The next day he told me that John had said the same thing about me.
The stories i know about John is that he is single and kind of a playboy, he moved here from out of a big city (this is a small town) to manage the fastfood place. He apparently goes out quite a bit and then hooks up with girls at random. I am a very sexual person but everybody describes me as very shy with a sweet girl personality. I do a lot of volunteering and am not a party girl.
Maybe kind of boring. But for some reason i have a very high libido. I only had sex with my boyfriend and i love him so much that i have no desire for someone else.
i normally don't really talk about my sexual preferences. My parents are also very religious. And they did not allow my boyfriend to sleep over for about 3 years into our relationship, they want me to wait until marriage.

My boyfriend also only has me as a sexual experience, and even though i found myself thinking what it would be like with another guy, i could never see myself doing that. But I guess you don't know yourself well enough in certain circumstances.

The event happened when we went to another staff-party. John was there and probably 10 or 15 other people. I didn't feel like going at all but i know my boyfriend would appreciate it. There was a lot of alcohol at the party and i told my boyfriend to take it easy. I myself would just have some wine. I lost him quickly at the party and i tried to socialize with some of his female co-workers. I know when my boyfriend drinks a lot he can get kind of emotional, he gets very happy or sad. He does not always have the strongest self-esteem.
At one point he came to me and just stood there quietly. I knew something was up. He sometimes gets it in his head that people don't like him and with alcohol he takes that to a new level. I tried to cheer him up but that makes it even worse. He left to get some fresh air, but then i found out he actually went home. I texted him what the heck was going on, but he said that he was going to bed cause he was so upset and felt embarrassed about being upset at the party. I asked him why he left me behind, he said that he saw me talking with all the girls and didn't want to be rude and take me away. I have seen him upset before but this was extreme. Its about a 25 minute walk home. I said that i would come right away and that i would call a cab. I didn't want him to drive over in that state and with the alcohol in his blood. I did not know the number of the cab company so i walked up to John who was talking with some of his male workers. I asked John if he knew the number. And John said no but lets go into the office and look it up on the computer.

John asked if i wanted another drink but i said no i am o.k i have to go home cause my boyfriend got a little sick. John said that i would have to try one of the shots they had all night long and i was the only one who didn't try it yet. I eventually agreed and had 2 shots with him and his male friends. He introduces me to them and we had some small talk. I didn't want to be rude or make things awkward. Eventually he took me to the office and said that we needed 1 more shot to empty the bottle. I said o.k otherwise its a waste of alcohol. We took the last drink with us into the office which was upstairs and i was thinking about tossing it discreetly cause i didn't want to drink more. When we where inside the office he made me toss it back. He started saying how pretty i was and that my boyfriend was very lucky. He had this charming look in his eyes (he is experienced in charming girls). I got a text from my boyfriend saying that he was sorry but that he felt so useless and that he is socially awkward. John saw me shaking my head. He was looking up the number of the cab i thought. He said lets cheer on the night and tapped his almost empty glass with my empty glass. But then out of he blue he leaned over and kissed me on my mouth. I was shocked and just froze. His hands where on my hips and bum and he started kissing my neck. Normally i would push him back and be super insulted. I would not let anyone just grab me. But i don't know why, maybe because i was kind of mad at my boyfriend for being so insecure? I told him to work on it and to see someone like a physiologist for that but he never did. I am very sensitive in my neck. So when John started kissing me there i got in this euphoric trance that i couldn't fight it off? I feel horrible for that now, believe me i am not a type of girl that does anything like this with a " stranger"
But it was like it just happened which sounds so tacky.

I am not going to make a whole detailed story other then i already did. Because i want some advice and now where i went wrong. I am not trying to write a sex-story with all the details. John kissed me again and pushed me against the desk and i just uhm kissed back? I remember my hands going over his back and actually pulling him into me (why did i do that?) i should off instead pushed him off. He pushed me to sit on the desk. I was wearing a skirt and things just went super fast. I felt his hands underneath my skirt and stroking over my underwear. I remember moving about on the desk cause i got so sensitive when he toughed me there. At any point i should of pushed him off but i didn't. I should off realized that what i did was extremely wrong but things could only get worse! But i didn't. We kept kissing and kissing and i felt almost high in my head. Such euphoria that just made me kiss him back and let go? Things just went further and further, he opened up my blouse and pulled down the front of my bra exposing my breast, next i felt his hands grab my thong and pulling it off, and i felt my thong coming off but did not think to stop him, the moment he exposed my breast should of been the point where my quilt took over, but it didn't and neither when he took of my thong completely exposing me. Something that only should be for the eyes of my boyfriend. He did this all very of rough and rushed. Then i did something  that's shocks me about myself even further, but again it must of been this euphoric trance of pure lust? I unbuttoned his pants, and pulled it down together with his boxer. He lifted up my skirt and grabbed my bum with his hands, kind of roughly and nowhere near romantically. He entered me and we had sex on the desk in his office. It was kind of rough sex which i never allow my boyfriend to do, because i want it to be more loving and not have the feeling that i'am just a sex object. But this time it was just sex and it just felt right? i know felt right sounds wrong literally! I feel like such a sl*t!. And i can't say that John just did it all because i pulled down his pants, i wrapped my legs around him at one point and i kept kissing him back and pulling him into me. I say that with deep anger towards myself. I had no signs of quilt of what i was doing , no brakes and "enjoyed" its just as much as John did.
I'am editing this story while i am writing it exposing even more details. Why? because i want to tell the honest truth so that someone can figure me out and tell me why i was such a bad person!! I wanted to just say we did it on the desk and that's the end of it. That would make it sound like it went fast and before i realized what happened it was over! but it didn't we started there but then John moved me over to a sofa in the office and we continued there, giving me plenty of time to stop. Cause now it goes from doing a dumb thing in the heat of the moment into a calculated  and complete sex session. From the moment he took me off the desk and over to the sofa. I should of stopped but again i didn't!  Where was the person in me that would never let herself use as such a sex object? Clearly all that John was thinking was sex with the girlfriend of his friend. And he wasn't being to "careful" with me. He went down on me and he did me from behind in the doggy position (something i don't like doing with my boyfriend because it makes me feel used and almost like a ****-star and that's not how i want to make love) And maybe my worst contribution i climbed on top of him and was riding him. This is the worst off all because even though he was assisting me up and down with his hands (that sounds so cheesy i know!) i was in control in that position!  And to make things a lot worse then it already is we did this all unprotected. When we where finished and i stood up i noticed that he came inside me!

Which is beside letting him do me from behind even more disrespectful to my boyfriend. I am on the pill but i never allow him to *** inside of me. We always use a condom. Unless we are in the shower for example but then i don't allow him to *** inside. And now it just happened with his boss. Why oh why did i let John do all these things to me that i don't allow the boy i love to do?? and its not like John forced me at any moment, i had just as big of a role in it! Why did i not request John to wear a condom at least!?!? It would off been just as bad, because if you request someone to wear a condom you prepare having sex, but doing it without while your boyfriend has to wear one is just so selfish and evil! I also feel bad because the sex with my boyfriend is normally not 5 minutes long, which he feels bad and insecure about, but again i see it as making love and i don't get upset over that. And with John it was a lot longer then normal (sounds so mean of me saying that)
So John got to "enjoy" me longer and more intense then my own boyfriend could? He got privileges that my boyfriend wants but i deny?!!

I never told my boyfriend and John promised me that he wouldn't say anything. I know i need to tell him. I think he is even thinking about asking me the big question. But he would be devastated. He can already be insecure!
I had to write this out which is not like me at all! but i don't even know who i am after all of this. Clearly not the role-model school teacher i was hoping to be! And i cannot ask my friends about this, my best friend would de-friend me. She would never talk to me again and so would my family, they all love my boyfriend and think we are a super cute couple.

I know its a long story but i want to know what i did wrong and where i could of stopped it. That's why i just give all the details away. And also because this makes me feel the pain even more which i deserve. 

Do i tell my boyfriend and how? And how can i explain that it was just sex and that i love him and that our sex means something more? Please don't tell me how awful i'am and what a sl*t! i realize that! i realize my boyfriend deserves so much better!! Advice would really be appreciated!

-Autumn


itsautumn itsautumn 22-25, F 2 Responses Sep 20, 2013

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Dont tell this to him. Just let go and build a good life with your boyfriend. You can do it, and he'll be better off too.

Reading your story , I really don't like john ... U did really terrible cause love is based on trust and if there is no trust there is no love . U have to tell the truth whatever result is and after u have to gain trust again cause u cannot build relation on lie . ******* inside u , it's really hard to

I know and normally i do have these morals! I never did anything wrong in my life, i never stole anything or lied about something. I am afraid that if i tell my boyfriend he is going to think that John is better in sex, cause it was so much longer and that i did let him *** inside me. (these sentences are hard to type! i feel like a sl*t) John wrote me on Facebook how i was doing. I did not reply back