Post

How Do I Trust?

How can you begin to learn to trust when all your life you were lied to?
During ever relationship you have ever been in they all ended the same way, with them lying, cheating then leaving.
How can you just take someones word that they are being honest, that they speak the truth without second guessing it?
I never believe people mostly men when they speak, I always think they have different motives, that they will all lie cheat and leave in the end.
What can be done to start to trust?
How can I just accept the answer without digging deeper into it, just trying to find the flaw, because in my mind I think they are lying and there is something to uncover but in reality there may be or may not be.
How do I learn to trust men?
Shawnnas Shawnnas 22-25, F 6 Responses Sep 23, 2012

Your Response

Cancel

I trust too much.. Ive always trusted until given reason not to, and got screwed everytime. Ill never trust anyone again. Im looking out for my kids and me. Period

You can't learn to trust anyone because "all men have sinned". Trust only completely in God. If you're in a relationship let God be the one to protect your heart. Put your trust in him to bring to light any lies etc. I just answered my own question as well!

Dear, in your case, I've already advised you to read "The Four Elements" on my profile. I also agree with most of what DomDolf says... take it easy. Build the foundation of the relationship up (friendship and companionship) before building the relationship (romantic). Of course, if you stick to the Four Elements, this shouldn't be difficult. The key is to be honest with yourself, and BE yourself. No acting. No expectations. And give them rope. Plenty of it. They will either hang themselves, or tie you to them tightly.

I don't know if it is ever possible to trust any man ever again after experiencing such betrayal. I married a gentle, kind, intelligent man who turned out to be the biggest liar and cheater i have ever met. The truth is that you can never tell. Don't blame yourself too much. My grandmother always said "if you buy a melon and bring it home, only to find it is rotten inside, then who is to blame?" Don't waste your time blaming yourself , however do take domdolfs advice on considering the type of man you get involved with.

That's a great question. Let me see if I can bring something of value to you, without looking for anything in return; so you may be able to trust what I say.

If you feel betrayed at any point it is because you began to have expectations in men that you said have always lied to you. Don't expect the kind of men you have chosen to be truthful to you and you won't be disappointed. If you do that, you also can't put yourself in any situation where their word means you could get hurt.

So, I don't know about you, but I would not want to live that way. And if we are in agreement with that thought then you have to choose another option. There is one option that comes to mind - change the sort of men you have been attracting and accepting. This is not an easy thing to do.

For whatever reason you have attracted men that are willing to lie once the circumstances within the relationship get to some point that you and I will likely never understand. The reason doesn't matter. However, you must be able to accept some responsibility and place some blame too. I see the blame in your post.

How you begin to choose different men is by holding out on the things they want from you longer than you have. The better the man and the more he values you, the longer he will wait for you to be ready and comfortable with who he is and for both you and him develop the genuine respect and caring it takes to enter a relationship. If you are fearful he will leave you when you don't give him what he wants then you must realize the fact that if he does leave then he was not a man that would take care of you and your relationship in a responsible, loving, selfless and generous way where the only thing he can hope for is that you are also being responsible, loving, selfless and generous toward him and the relationship. It begins by having higher standards in the men you choose.

So why does this happen? High quality men at your age are few and far between because immature men are impulsive and compulsive. They have developed very high expectations of what they will get from a relationship. While women have developed low expectations of what they will get. As an example, low quality men will believe that sex is the way a woman shows she cares, but that man already knows he is not going to stay in a relationship long term before they have sex. He also knows that if he lies that women will more often then not give him what he wants. So, they have been rewarded for bad behavior. A lot of women have begun to accept that sex is a requirement for a budding relationship. They believe the lie. They fear being left. When you start by believing a lie and giving them what they want then you fall into a category within the man's conscious or unconscious mind called "just like the rest". Once there, you have no more value then the rest and you see the results you are seeing. You have to determine whether that's acceptable.

I have much more for you that goes beyond this. I will respond further if you request it.

Wow you are amazing, I completly understand what you are saying. I place the bame on me because no matter the guy good or bad I will always have the mindset that they will all be like the one man in my life who left, my father just left one day and never came back when I was 13 so it was always very hard for me to trust men. I grew up taking care of myself always wanting to find someone to protect, care and love me. Now that I am older the same trust issues arrise. I think I attract men who are less than men because I feel I don't deserve someone good. No matter the suituation I always assume the worst will happen, I want to believe the words they speak I try to ignore the voice in my head telling me to second guess everything. I never wanted to be just another notch in the bedpost but I push everyone away before they can throw me away. It's alot easier for me to push them away than for me to be left. But at the same time I never want to let go, and in the end I am the one holding on while they are letting go. I always go in head first give it my all, I have alot in my past that holds me back. My trust is something I give out easily, I tell them I trust them but I don't. I always seem clingy, jealous and I always need validation that I am still what they want. I was never instilled with how men should treat me, the only man I ever loved left me I grew up thinking that is what they all do. I don't want to live like this at all. I have worked so hard to be on this earth, I just need to learn how to live now. I yearn for normal, just to be able to have a normal relationship, I would give anything.

Thank you so much for responding to this, it means more than you know.

Wise words, domdolf!

If you have this time-after-time, you might be finding the same guy in a different body. Some girls look for excitement and end up with bad guys. Good guys are sometimes quite boring from the outside. Look at the inner beauty of some boring guys who may already be around you. They will appreciate the real you and never give you a reason to mistrust. (Plus they already know you and may, silently, already be in love with you, from a distance.)

This is the wisdom of the ages. My own daughter is now 30 and is just maturing enough to realize this. Good luck to you. I have been married 40 years and have never strayed. Maturity and reliability are justly valued.