About a month after I married my current husband, I discovered many emails, Facebook messages, linkedin messages, and other links to messages to other women. They were very explicitly sexual in nature-propositioning and indicating the want for a "discreet" encounter. There were very blatant physical details in the exchanges. They had been going on for at least six months with various women online (supposedly none were ever met in person). The kicker is, when I was hospitalized a month before our wedding, he was doing it while I was in the ICU, as well as on my birthday! I didn't find out until two months later, after getting married (which he had begged me to do, since he was SO afraid of losing me after my hospitalization!).
After discovering the first round of emails/messages, I confronted him, much to his surprise. He was remorseful, acted embarrassed and sorry, and promised that it would never happen again.
About a month later, I see some more inappropriate messages posted to people on LinkedIn (and who knows where else?!?). Confronted him again and told him to get out. He assured me nothing had happened and that it was just an ego thing for him that he had done for years, all through his first marriage.
He does have body image issues...was a quad as a teen, due to a football accident, but has recovered and has almost full use of entire body now, other than some muscle atrophy on arms and shoulders and back.
I told him that I deserve better. And how would he feel. Also, what would he think if someone was treating his daughter this way...? He claimed then to really "get it." He was "enlightened."
My question is this...I trusted him the first time he apologized and promised not to do it again. I then found out about the rest of it a month later and am having a REALLY difficult time getting past it. How do I trust him? Do I even ever trust him?
I've been through a really lot in the last five years-suicide attempts, divorce, abuse, assault, fighting for joint custody for four years of my four kids from my a**hole attorney ex-husband. It is really hard for me to trust anyone.
Any suggestions?
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4 Responses Aug 15, 2014

I think you already know what you need to do, it's just hard to take that first step. Prepare and then leave. There is a better life out there. I was divorced long ago from a cheating spouse. I am VERY happy I am no longer in that marriage.

Hi Susan,
You have 3 stories on EP, all of which talk basically about the same thing; that your husband isn't really into this marriage, and you're seeing the expressions of that in lots of places. He isn't nice to you even when you're sick. Is your counseling helping you to decide whether or not you want to stay with this guy? Is your husband holding a gun to your head? Does he have you hypnotized or on drugs? What's the deal? Why are you staying with him? What's the pay-off for you? I don't get it.

These are none-sense classical questions. Do tell what you want to achieve with such. Don't abuse her with your bullying questions... she is already in pain you weirdo!!

Thanks for your comments, Fmina. I admit, the questions are extreme, but no more so than the reality of choosing to continue to be with someone who's addiction is so great that it results in total disregard for the person he's married to. The gravity of the questions is; If he's not doing these things to you, holding you there with things you absolutely couldn't get away from, why in the world would you choose to stay with this guy?

As long as we do not get a straight answer, how do you expect us to know? We have hopes you know... We hope all will change one day. That is why we stay.. and many more reasons of course. If there was honesty, one can prepare. But that chance is not give here, is it?

Thank you for accepting my support, and for your openness and willingness to continue discussing this. I'm here, and will check my messages often.
His telling you it's "his house too," sounds to me like leverage he's using to justify his being there, as though he's got you over a barrel. He may be thinking it may be the only way he gets to keep a roof over his head, for now. With regard to your, and your parents, collecting the money he owes you, I don't think his living in the house has anything to do with that. Does it? He would owe you the money WHEREVER he is. Are there signed written contracts with him? That would help. If not, there must be some legal way to get him to honor his agreements. Your standing up to him - letting him know he needed to show proof of having no STDs - is great. I'm glad you're taking care of yourself about that, although, it's too bad you have to even consider that. I'm sorry you're dealing with that. I'm concerned about his being sometimes threatening. If you sense anything like that about to happen, PLEASE take care and do what you need to. I know getting the money he owes is a big deal, but it's not worth getting physically hurt over. Please let me know how this progresses.

I'm glad you got the police in on it. That, and the other ways you're dealing with him, show him you mean business. Some women would be too passive to get the job done. I'm glad you're not. I surely understand your feeling of getting conned. Seems there's a lot in his own life he doesn't want to look at. It's just too bad you got taken on that ride with him. I'm glad for you that it's coming to an end, REGARDLESS of whether you get your money back or not. From what you've said, it sounds like there's a good chance he may not pay up. I really hope you and your parents can get the money somehow. But even if you don't, you'll have your freedom and a lot of wisdom. I would bet that, particularly at this point, you know a lot more about his addiction than he does. He may never seek help until he's forced to - when he hits rock bottom. And I think he's headed there. Please keep yourself safe, and as always, feel free to keep me informed. I'll keep checking messages often, and can always talk - and listen.

2 More Responses

I think your H is using you as a security blanket.
You truly need to get out of this marriage. Prepare yourself in silence. Do not announce.
The only time you take the exit is when you are prepared. If you let him know now in advance, he will continue manipulating you into staying.
We all go through the similar mill:
*I want you but I do not want you enough*

I would leave. I know you love him other whys you wouldn't hve married him. But he doesn't care as Much as you care for him. If he loved you that much he would have never done that to you. You are right you seem like a nice women and I think I do deserve someone better. Someone who is going to put you first. Always. Who won't lie and cheat. And someone who won't make you cry. Life is so short to settle for some crap like that. Go out there and fix all your things. Start a new chapter. You can't stay with this dude. I know I would have left a long time ago. You can do it. You just have to have faith in yourself that your guna get through this, and I know you will. Don't trust him again. No more. He's a liar!! He's guna keep doing it again and again, and again. Just end it now while you can! Make a plan. Move out do what ever you just do to leave this mess. You deserve way better!!!