Roughest Time Of My Life

The most difficult period of my life was definitely when I was around 12 and 13 years old. I became deeply depressed. Nothing made me happy. I did not want to interact with others. I stopped eating. I cried at night. I saw no positives in life. I did not want to live. I was going through a period of my life where there was great change going on. I began attending a new school, met new people, placed on medication, bullied, lost my best friend, and lost loved ones.
I was put on meds for something called Attention Deficit Disorder. I had no idea what ADD was at the time. They just prescribed me pills without telling me what they were for. I noticed a change in my personality. I was calm, boring, mellow…I just wasn’t the same. To this day when I take pills for ADD I kind of feel depressed. Happiness is difficult to achieve when on this medication, at least for me. I guess the medication worked. I got straight A’s throughout 5th grade, but I still didn’t feel like myself. I didn’t socialize as much as I had before I was on the medication. I didn’t understand why I felt this way. I took this medication all the way through high school and things got a little better, but I’m still not the same when I’m on the medication compared to when I’m off of it. When I’m off of it I’m social able, happy and even my body feels different. I’ve recently stopped taking it all together. Sometimes I’ll take it for studying for exams, but I pretty much refuse to take it otherwise.
In fifth grade I was physically bullied almost every day on my school bus. I was an easy target because I was scrawny and quiet. I was bullied from everyone around me. The kids who sat directly in front of me would turn around and throw acorns, batteries, and other objects at me. The kids who sat in the seat across the aisle would hit me, sometimes with umbrellas if they had them. The kids behind me would slap the back of my head. I couldn’t do anything. If I tried to fight back I would be vastly outnumbered, plus I wasn’t very strong then so I would have probably got my **** kicked in. I pleaded for my dad to take me to school and eventually he did, but I still had to ride the bus home after school and the bullying continued.
It was either in fifth or sixth grade when my best friend moved away. We had known each other our entire lives and had lived on the same street about a quarter of a mile away from each other. Technically he moved across town and still went to the same school as me, but this moved pulled us apart. He started hanging out with a different crowd, a crowd of people he now lived near. I was pushed out. I eventually found different friends, but losing your best friend is never easy.
The absolute worst part of this time period was the death of my aunt and grandfather. It’s not the fact that they died, but how they died. My grandfather was the sweetest person on this planet. He was always interested in my gameboy and how it worked. He was into that sort of thing; he was a craftsman. Interested in how things were built and how they worked. Being as young as I was I tried to explain everything I knew to him, which wasn’t much. I used to play violin and when I would visit I would play songs for him and my grandmother. He would record the songs and play them back so I could hear. I remember one time he slipped a twenty dollar bill into my pocket and I gave it back to him. He wouldn’t take it back. I guess that’s my most vivid memory of him. I don’t know much about how he passed. I guess one day he fell ill and had to go to the hospital and doctors ran tests, operated, or did whatever. Anyways he got better and was scheduled to be released from the hospital. On the day he was scheduled to leave, he died. I will never understand why he went like that. I refuse to ask questions about it because it will just kill me inside to even talk about it. I’m even crying typing this. He was supposed to be better. He was supposed to go home. Everything was supposed to be okay. He shouldn’t have gone like that. I had held in my emotions until the funeral then at a certain point I just lost it. I bawled my eyes out. I felt like I had been lied to. I had got my hopes up that he was going to be okay and they were shattered. It even makes me a little angry. It made me lose faith.
I only saw my aunt twice in my life. She lived down in Florida and I in Virginia, so that explains why we never saw each other. When I saw her the first time I was either 8 or 9. She was so kind to me. She was full of life and always smiled. I really enjoyed her presence. The second time I saw her was in sixth grade. She was still kind to me, always smiled, but this time she wasn’t so full of life. This time around I got to witness first hand one of the worst things death has to offer: Cancer. It was terminal. She was reduced to nothing but skin in bone. She had become so tiny, probably smaller than size I was when I was 8. She couldn’t move much and couldn’t do anything for herself. She was weak and the littlest of things like feedings tired her out. I couldn’t believe this was her. She didn’t even look the same. It was so sad. I didn’t know how to react. I just couldn’t accept that this was the same person. Cancer is something that I wish no one had to see. This is probably the most traumatizing thing I have ever seen.
All of these happenings built up and I wanted to kill myself. Yes, at 13 years old I wanted to kill myself. As I said before, I found no happiness in life and the fact that these other things were going on didn't help at all. Nothing was going my way. There were no positives. I remember in sixth grade telling my social studies teacher that I wasn't afraid to kill myself. She thought I was joking because I kind of said it in a joking manner, but I knew deep down I didn't want to live anymore. I just didn't have the guts to do it, but I would have if I did. I had been bullied and seen two loved ones die in ways that didn't make sense to me. Life was very cruel and I saw no positives. I went to therapy and that kind of helped, but therapy doesn't bring back loved ones, it doesn't keep you from being bullied, it doesn't bring your best friend back. I still get the feeling to seriously harm myself sometimes and sometimes I think life is pointless, but I know I don’t have the guts to end it. I really hope I, or anyone else never goes through another period like this.
PattingTeam PattingTeam
18-21, M
Dec 10, 2012