To Them, I Am Invisible. Healing From My Immediate Family's Rejection

When I was 3 years old, I remember mom going on and on about how I was the prettiest of her 3 girls.  Older sister resented me. Younger sister resented me. Older sister encouraged resentment from younger sister.  To quote my cousin, I grew up as a social outcast in my own home.   Mom continued to prefer me, yet she would not do anything, nor would my dad, about the aggression against me by two sisters.  When I was in the 8th grade, I started playing the guitar due to a parks and recreation program.   I turned to that guitar whenever I was octracized by my sisters. They called me wierdolina more than they did my name, Lillian.   When I was in high school, we moved to a 3 bedroom house. Neither sister wanted to share a room with me and parents did not do anything, so I moved into the add on patio, which was not heated or air conditioned. I still remember that night clearly in my mind 30 years later. The light from older sister's room shone onto the all seasons patio.  It was 1 in the morning. I asked her to please turn the light off so I could go to sleep and she said "shut up (expletive)".   

The only time my sisters would communicate with me would be when they could use me for something. In childhood, they would send me across the street to make friends with the new kid.  They would communicate with me when they wanted favors.  However, the type of sister that wanted to be in my life, just didn't happen. 

My older sister wanted me to share an apartment with her after younger sister moved to Florida and so I did.   Her boyfriend who would later become her 2nd husband, got a new bike for Christmas. They put a bow on his rusty old childhood bike, put it in front of the Christmas tree and called that my Christmas present.

I moved with a friend and then married my husband.  My older sister got married. She would give everyone else in the family pictures of her kids, Christmas cards, etc, including my mom, but she never sent me anything.   It was if I was invisible.   Whenever I would visit my mom's house, it was only then that I saw the pictures of my nieces and nephews. Younger sister followed suit and so I only got to see those pictures at mom's house.

One year, a cousin told me that when my older sister visited my mom in Florida, that she would put the pictures of me and my family on their faces so she wouldn't have to see me.

This year, my younger sister was charged with alleged check forgery for trying to cash a check for $25k from mom's account. Older sister believes in her innocence.  That happened April 20th.   Then mom had to move out of her house. I begged for my mom to please come with me. We talk every day on the phone.  However, through mutual agreement we were all supposed to communicate about spending my mom's money and older sister would not let me spend money on my mom's care to the extent I needed to.  I got sick with high blood pressure and ended up in ER. Mom was moved to California where my sister spends twice a week on her than I did.

One morning, I called to talk to my mom and my mom pleaded with me to move her money to a safe place.  I followed her wishes with an attorney witnessing her verbal request. It was moved into a trust with her as sole beneficiary.  Older sister hit the roof and demanded the money back.  I asked to talk to mom before I moved it back.  Because it was mom's wish originally, I wanted to talk to her. Older sister refused to allow me to talk to my mom.  She hired an attorney and started to sue me. I sent the evidence to her attorney and they dropped the case against me, but my sister will not respond to my requests to be able to talk to my mom.

It is as if I was invisible.  Father died in 1992.  On my wedding video, he said "older sister is my favorite daughter.  So to see Lillian get married like older sister did, makes me very happy".

Mother spends time outside sitting  next to older sister's pool in older sister's million dollar home.  Life goes on for older sister, avoiding me at all costs and this time, including my mom in it.

I have lost my mother. I begin psychotherapy in one week to deal with the immense trauma of being octracized from my mom, who really was the only one that remotely took an interest in me in my immediate family.    She even told me this year, before she was moved. "Why are you speaking to your sisters? They hate you!" 

Yes, they do, mom.   And they now have you.  I called Adult Protective Services in California and they won't do anything about it.  They just want to make sure she's physically cared for. At least I fought to get her moved out of the dining room and into a downstairs bedroom.  My sister dials the phone to let my mom talk to my aunts because I stated via email that was important. However, she will not dial the numbers to let my mother talk to me. My mom's vision is deteriorated and she is now legally blind.

I will never see my mother again.

Lillian692 Lillian692
4 Responses Jun 9, 2010

You are not alone. I come from a famiy of 3 girls,my husband is military so we have moved away. My oldest sister feels that i abandoned the family. In my heart i know my mom knows i love her and what is happening

oh my god. reading your story made me so sad. you don't deserve any of this. your family is a bunch of self centered horrible, horrible people. i understand how hard it is to cut family out of your life, but if all they do is drag you down in every possible way it's time to move on. my parents pretty much dumped me like a bad habit after i graduated college. (before that was no picnic either...they are both verbally abusive, my mother has borderline personality disorder, which basically means she is the most emotionally abusive person on the planet). i did absolutely nothing to deserve this and it has taken me about 4 years to realize that it's not worth being depressed, sad, angry, etc all the time. it's time to just pretend they all died and move forward with your life, and positive forward motion! you are worth so much more than what those horrible family members of yours make you feel. be strong!

A childhood and lifetime experience like this and you STILL are capable of loving your mother - Wow that is sooooo admirable. It is incredibly sad that this is going on and if I felt as you did - I would do all that I can, leave the way to be contacted (by that lawyer perhaps), write a note to the sisters giving this information and basically very kindly saying you love your mom and would be available to help should they need someone to do this - sarcastic words would only alienate you more as I imagine u already know and then move on with my life. You have done all that you can and doing this will not be easy, but what other choice do you have? I am not saying this without knowing how difficult it is - I have had to do this with my youngest son and that kills. Finding an elderly person whom you might care for could help but it could also serve as a constant reminder of your mom - just depends how you feel. Your sisters cannot possibly be happy acting the way they have to you and while that is no consolation, you really need to believe this because it is true. Humans simply are incapably of doing such things and be happy with themselves at the same time. Does this mean they will see this one day? Highly unlikely and as painful as it is to admit, learning how to treat others well was your mother and father's responsibility. Your mom did not teach your sister to treat people with respect and now she is not being treated with respect. Sometimes you just cannot figure out why people must go through things - but in this case I would say your mother is reaping what she sowed and it simply was wrong what she allowed to happen to you; although my guess is that your dad was abusive and she felt incapable of intervening. Please do not deprive yourself and your husband of a good life by holding on to all this. What good could possibly come of it? The answer is probably none. On the flip side - what bad could come of it? The answers are numerous and none of them are worth it!

Its hard to believe family would do that.I hope u get to see your mom again.