She Died No Forgiveness Now
Last fall my mother died without forgiving me. It's a somewhat complex story. It started in 2002. My mom had come down to help me and live with me in 1999 when I got divorced from my husband. I had 3 great young kids and needed the help. It was great for the first couple of years. She was extremely supportive. Then it got to the point where she would tell me I needed to get out more. However, when I would go out on the weekends when the kids were at their father's she would complain that I left her alone. If I went out when the kids were home for the weekend she would say that I was using her for a babysitter. I couldn't win. Finally, I brought up the idea of either building an apartment onto the house or her getting an apartment close by. She got upset - angry actually. One day I went off to work and the kids to school, but when they got home they called me - she moved. She didn't leave a note or anything. I called her good friend in South Dakota, but games were being played. She wanted to punish me. I didn't hear from her for a few days, but I knew where she was. Since then our relationship was rather strained. I finally stood up to her and she did not like that. I continued a relationship with her as best as possible, not as good as it had been. I would call her about once a week and send her cards and gifts for holidays. Then in 2009 the card I sent her for her birthday was a few days late. That was it for her. She wrote me an angry letter. Even then I tried to keep the relationship open. When she was hospitalized in early 2010 I was in constant contact with her at the hospital, then the nursing home and the hospice. She had told all the nurses not to speak with me and I was one of the worst people on the face of the earth. I found this out when my brother and I went up to visit her during her last days in the hospice. During this last visit we talked, laughed and cried. It was a good visit - on the cover. I found out the day before we had to leave that she had specifically named me OUT of her will. I loved my mom and it hurt - still hurts - that she would be so vengeful over nothing. I hope she has found peace but I'm the one who has to live with the fact the love of my mother was never true.