She Died No Forgiveness Now

Last fall my mother died without forgiving me. It's a somewhat complex story. It started in 2002. My mom had come down to help me and live with me in 1999 when I got divorced from my husband. I had 3 great young kids and needed the help. It was great for the first couple of years. She was extremely supportive. Then it got to the point where she would tell me I needed to get out more. However, when I would go out on the weekends when the kids were at their father's she would complain that I left her alone. If I went out when the kids were home for the weekend she would say that I was using her for a babysitter. I couldn't win. Finally, I brought up the idea of either building an apartment onto the house or her getting an apartment close by. She got upset - angry actually. One day I went off to work and the kids to school, but when they got home they called me - she moved. She didn't leave a note or anything. I called her good friend in South Dakota, but games were being played. She wanted to punish me. I didn't hear from her for a few days, but I knew where she was. Since then our relationship was rather strained. I finally stood up to her and she did not like that. I continued a relationship with her as best as possible, not as good as it had been. I would call her about once a week and send her cards and gifts for holidays. Then in 2009 the card I sent her for her birthday was a few days late. That was it for her. She wrote me an angry letter. Even then I tried to keep the relationship open. When she was hospitalized in early 2010 I was in constant contact with her at the hospital, then the nursing home and the hospice. She had told all the nurses not to speak with me and I was one of the worst people on the face of the earth. I found this out when my brother and I went up to visit her during her last days in the hospice. During this last visit we talked, laughed and cried. It was a good visit - on the cover. I found out the day before we had to leave that she had specifically named me OUT of her will. I loved my mom and it hurt - still hurts - that she would be so vengeful over nothing. I hope she has found peace but I'm the one who has to live with the fact the love of my mother was never true.
dlmarshall dlmarshall
7 Responses Mar 17, 2011

sounds to me that your mom owed you an apology, not the other way around. She owed you an apology but just couldn't see it. Please be at peace and move on with your life knowing that you tried. However, as I read this over, it appears that your mom is the one who should have done the apologizing, not you.

I finally stood up and set some healthy boundaries with my mother after 40 years of codependent enmeshment. She didn't like this one bit and 5 days later she changed her will. A month later she broke her hip, had a stroke and died. I found out about it an hour or so after she passed. Nothing can prepare you for the total devastation and heartache of a betrayal of this magnitude. Changing the will was a pure act of spite and hatred. Her entire family endorsed the betrayal. I now understand, after much therapy and group work and ongoing learning, that she never really loved me, it was always about her. The poor sick soul had a very serious personality disorder (NPD) and as such every decision she ever made in her life (including this final hoorah) had a negative impact on my life including exposing me to physical violence, sexual abuse and neglect. My pearl of great price is the knowledge and understanding that I am not responsible for anyone's welfare except my own. I understand congruence between words and behaviour and I can now remove myself from toxic people, relationships and situations in a heartbeat. So despite the fact that my family did and do not love me, I have learnt to love myself, far better than anyone ever could. It's a new beginning. On my terms, not theirs. Live life and find your dreams people. You're worth it! Neil

I'm so sorry to hear that your mother was so unforgiving. It really is so difficult to deal w/ sthg. like that. The best you can do is, as you said, lead by example, by loving people UNCONDITIONALLY. I just got out of a horrible living situation w/ an emotionally abusive person who, as you described w/ you mom, you just couldn't do anything right around. She screamed @ me about taking on my anxieties (even tho I hardly talked to her), & then in the same 10 min. space, she'd accuse me of not sharing my anxieties w/ her anymore, & she kept wildly contradicting herself like that all the time so that I "couldn't win." These kinds of people aren't just hard to live with, they're IMPOSSIBLE to live with. It's toxic for your own life, especially when you've got young ones to raise. If your mother failed to understand that, & failed to see that she was manipulating you, guilt-tripping you, contradicting herself & being impossible, then that's her own failure, & she probably reacted as harshly as she did b/c she didn't want to admit to HERSELF that she made your life more difficult than you ever did hers when you proposed a perfectly legitimate suggestion about living arrangements. My parents disowned me last week, knowing that I'm extremely chronically ill w/ Lyme disease & conditions that resulted from the Lyme. My dad is the kind of person that NEVER forgives, & I know he's NEVER going to change his mind, take back what he said, etc. He'll end up in more pain about it than me, & I'm sad for him b/c one day he'll probably die feeling guilty, sad & alone. I'm likely to die of the Lyme before he even dies, so he & my mother will also have to deal w/ that. Nevertheless, the pain we go thru b/c of such thorough & complete rejection is unbearable, & it really pulls the rug out from under us. All I can say is to not ever make another person feel the way you felt b/c of your parent's or parents' rejection & unforgiveness.

yes well mothers day is past here as I'm in UK, and it was difficult. My mother had been admitted to a hospital that is just down the road from me after suffering a stroke, I was informed by my younger brother a week later but told I wasn't allowed to visit, he said they ( the family) didn't think I should be told about her illness, but him and my other bro thought i should, My other bro rang me and said i should have kept in touch and that was why my mother and father were angry, the thing is i invited them over to see my new home and they never came, then they didn't acknowledge my middle daughters 18th birthday, or any of my other kids bdays or christmas, so i just played them at there own game but now I'm the bad guy, its been that way for years they are always visiting my sis and brothers and make a fuss of there kids and never or rarely visited me even though we all lived in the same small town , that's why I left and moved 25 mile away, my youngest when she was 5 asked her gran why she had photos of all her other grankids but none of her<br />
So on mothers day it was difficult, my mother was in hospital just down from my house but i wasn't to visit or send anything, I did get a bouquet of flowers but hospital wouldn't allow them on the ward so she never knew i had sent them, next thing i know some friends ring me with the news that my sister was telling everyone i was a disgrace as i hadn't visited or sent a card and she was exhausted as she had been traveling to see her everyday,so i cant win and now my brother hasn't returned my call, If i had done something to be disowned for but i haven't i don't even drink or anything cant figure out why they dislike me so much, my doctor thinks my mum is a control freak, but my sister has huge issues too, pleased I moved away but not far enough<br />
, its made me ill

so sorry to hear that and i know mothers day is comeing up so my guess it will be as hard on you as it will be for me

my mother has cut me out of her life and turned my family against me for not sending a card even though she always said she wasn't bothered, we had just moved town and I had a lot to do, I know its no excuse but my 18 yr old never sends cards but I still love her,I know its an excuse really i asked my dad to bring her to see the house but she wouldn't come and yet she goes regularly to my sisters and brothers, worst thing is she has abandoned her grandchildren and great gran kid not that she bothered much anyway, none of my family bothered with me or my kids, I was even not informed my brother had got married, but my sisters kids were bridesmaids and none of them visited my daughter when she had her daughter, yet Im the bad one for not sending a card

Thanks for your concern but the truth is she will have to go through eternity with her vengence. I've learned an important lesson from this - let my kids know everyday that I love them - truly love them. I guess it's true - you can find something good out of everything, even the bad and ugly....