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My Sisters Hate Me

Both of my sisters have stopped speaking to me since I lost my job and moved back in with our mother. I made overtures to both of them to be friendly, asked what I had done to offend them and basically turned myself inside out trying to reconcile with them. My mother concluded that they are jealous and feel that she has helped me more than she has helped them (she would have helped them too, if they'd needed it) and also that they are concerned that my kids and I are eating into their "inheritance." (As if there was WAS an inheritance.)  My mother has run into financial problems for which I know they blame me and they told her they wanted a "meeting" to discuss it.  I got insanely curious about what they were trying to accomplish and I hacked my sister's email. (Her "security" question was a no-brainer.)  What I found blew me away. More than 2 years worth of daily emails between both sisters in which they rip me apart. One sister speaks to my mother almost daily by phone then apparently jumps online and recites her twisted version of whatever my mother tells her about what my kids and I are doing, etc. Then they just shred me. They refer to me as "The Queen."  Laughed uproariously about my attempts to befriend them. Discussed their plans to evict me from the house when my mother dies (I don't plan to still be here, but I guess they don't  realize that.) They make snide remarks about my parenting. They take the most innocuous or even nice things my mother tells them and just go to town. I guess I deserved this for snooping, but I'm devastated. I loved them. I cried for weeks and still cry when I think about it.  I've begged my mother not to tell them anything about us, good, bad or indifferent, but that is a lost cause. What I want to know is how do I just get over this and go forward without caring what they think??? I don't see EVER reconciling. I don't think I'd want to now that I've seen how they talk about me. My feelings are so hurt. Funny think is they were never close until they bonded over me as the common enemy. I'm rambling now........ I need to talk to others who understand how this feel
HeadHeldHigh HeadHeldHigh 46-50, F 13 Responses May 17, 2011

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Hi there. I understand what you have gone through with your sisters as i am experiencing the same thing too. what did you do? I am so hurt, all i want to do is cry. I guess they even wanted my parents to disown me for a simple mistake i made and apologized about. They have always been different then me, I have been open, friendly and caring to all while they are more reserved and dont share much with anyone. They also make tons of money, and take lots of trips and stuff plus their marriages didnt work. Me and my husband been married for 16 years, have 5 kids and try our best. we have little money, but usually get by. we are just different people but they dont want anything to do with me anymore, and I will really miss my nieces. what can i do about this???my parents say to just leave it alone and let it die out. I cant figure it out.....

An update of my story.... first I read an amazing book called The Forgiveness Myth; How to Heal Your Hurts, Move on and Be Happy Again When You Can't or Won't Forgive by Gary Egeberg and Wayne Raiter. This book saved my sanity and I highly recommend it. I made the choice that being and continuing to try to be in their lives was too damaging to me and when my oldest sister got married I declined her wedding with a very honest letter stating that she, my other sister, and her fiance had done nothing but call me names, make snipes behind my back and act self-righteous about my living situation. I told her I could not imagine she really wanted me there and that I would certainly not be comfortable there. A few months later my partner was diagnosed with incurable stage 4 lung cancer. To my surprise my sister sent me a supportive email that seemed very sincere. Quite slowly I began to respond to her gestures and she and the other sister (though a bit less so) stuck by my side through a year of my partner's illness and then her death. In that time we have mended the fences and they have come to recognize the real situation with me taking care of my mother, not sponging off her. We are not working together as my mother gets older to deal with the things that must be done and are very sensitive. My only advice would be, 1. Read that book! 2. Don't try to force reconciliation, it cannot be forced and makes them dislike you even more, 3. Don't feel you must defend yourself, instead, make yourself and your healing the priority and take care of yourself, 4. Don't rule out a happy or at least acceptable ending to the situation, no matter how bad it seems. Thank you all for the support and kindness you have given me, I could not have gotten through this without a safe place and understanding people to talk to.
Link for the book at Amazon is:

http://www.amazon.com/Forgiveness-Myth-Hurts-Happy-Forgive/dp/0979440009/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1370540179&sr=1-1

I know how you feel. Just sit and talk to them and make them listen to you. Maybe do something the really enjoy and have a great time. Once they see that you love them, their hearts could open up. I hope this works.

I know it hurts for your sisters to talk bad about you behind your back. My siblings have done the same thing. It does hurt but in the end you have to ask yourself if what they say really matters. My conclusion was that it doesn't matter at all. They can say whatever they want and it will only hurt me if I let it. Often times they won't know the whole truth and will simply gossip away because it makes them feel better about themselves. People like that don't really deserve attention. Your focus should be on having a stable job and getting a place of your own for you and your kids. Getting out of your mom's house will immediately make you feel better. You will have your privacy back and they won't get as much info about you from your mom as they do now. Just keep focusing on the right things now and worry about fixing your relationship with them later once you move out.

I understand. I am 58 and Asperger, until recently, one of my half-sisters hated me. Now, she doesn't but the oldest two do, one because I voted democrat! I have one daughter and she i shunned by them as well. They used to be her favorite aunts and now she never sees them. It tears me up!

OMG, I am reading your post and shaking my head because I am LIVING this very same thing right now from my eldest sister and my youngest brother. At this moment they are both ripping me to shreads. She accidentally SENT me an email in error bad talking me. And why? I just inherited our BIL’s estate whom I was care giver for for the past 4 years. They did not believe I should get anything. It was to go to the person’s distant relatives whom he didn’t even know. He wrote the will back four years ago long before he got really sick. When I told her of the Will two days ago she went over the deep end and started to rip me apart calling me thief, liar, traitor, how I coerced him to doing this. How she will report me blab bla bla.

The man wanted me to have this cuz we were close me and my husband. My little sister died 07 and we live in the same country in the EU with him. My other family lives back home in the USA and one ins South America. We did everything for him and he thanked us daily for helping him. He said that if we were not there for him he would be taken over by the courts and be given a stranger. But she didn’t know him as he lives abroad and so do we in the same country as he did. So we were his only family so to speak and took very good care of him til he died. She now learned from me that I inherited his entire estate and she is belligerent. I just turned the devil in hell. Mind you. SHE just returned to the USA after spending 3 luxurious weeks at a French Villa directly on the sea on me and my husband’s expense with her entire family. All along while on vacation she had been “analyzing me as a thief” she was throwing remarks that she felt I might have made him sign things. She was throwing all kinds of unkind words to me of which I shook off. Now she is back, she got in touch with my litter brother who lives down in South America at the moment. He did not even know this relative and both of them is ripping me apart like a shreader. I got the most painful email from him tonight. I was devastated. He knows nothing of this and all of a sudden she made sure to get him involved and turn him on me. I have just become Lucifer all of a sudden. I cared for another human being who wanted me to care for him and I am now branded a thief and demon with NO scruples. The entire family has stopped speaking ot me all 9 of them including my mother. I was devastated. They would have preferred to hear I helped him and got nothing and then I will be looked at as a saint. So now I am so devastated, I wrote an email with certain explanations and it only backfired at me. Nothing I say is good, its all lies. None of these family members who live stateside knew him personally, only on letters and phone. They never met him. Now I am wondering if I should continue to feel hurt by what they are doing or just ignore it and go on? Its very hard. I loved my sister and would do anything for her and my brother. And to be treated this way its devastating. I cried so hard tonight and almost wanted to kill myself over what I read. Then I called my husband to please come home and he did and calmed me down and made me see reality. I feel your pain cuz I am living this right at this moment. I NEVER knew she was so jealous of me. She somehow felt it should go to her even tho she DIDN’T know him.

HAVE you spoken to them since this post? That is plain down right evil what they are doing and kudos for you for cracking. I wish I could crack hers. Will be awesome 

iv lost my job about 4 days ago and the family now look down at me as a failure as a son and my own mother hinted at my sis new bf that shes known for a few weeks as more of a son than i am just because i lost my job and am starting to give up on life i didn't think that my mistakes could cause my family to turn on me and say these things i have a form of aurtisum so am not all there and when i make mistakes i don't realize the problem iv caused my mother struggles for money and works stupid hours a day to try and get buy and every sees me as the problem bills get blamed on me am a gamer so i use electricity but most of the time am out with my m8s and i apparently eat all the food and am always asking for money so really my family use me as a scapegoat for there problems and am starting to hate my family

This is very bad. I am experiencing the same problem and this has been the case for the past 10-13 years of my life enduring this painful and unfair treatment. We are five children and im now 32 married with family - im the middle child- malee- others boys and one sister. I have never enjoyed the similar love expressed to others and I am always seen as someone of a bad outlook - if you like - because I have found Jesus and moved from my childhood church with valid reasons. Its sad now my father is in hospital - my other brother called me to take him to my place because he is @ work now- the always poisonous eldest sister got into picture to take my dad to her place rather than mine - bcs she doesnt feel safe with us and my wife. To cut the story short, the situation starts soft and you take things rather for granted and for the past years - the climax was last year when we were told that me and my wife messed up my other brother's marriage ceremony and stuff. We decided to move away from my family for our own sanity. We took our kids to my wife's place because they already started experiencing the segregation. These things are so terrible and some people do not realise that Satan works through them; We must always pray that they change but i told myself I cannot change someone who claims to be going to church every weekend. Simply read the Bible and consult with God so that you do not fall into their same pit - because its easy to make mistakes in these circumstances. The Holy Spirit told me that you must not get very angry at these things but you must remain calm at all times and get your emotions close to your heart- and you will go a long way. I love Jesus and I know Joseph received a similar treatment from his brothers who sold Him. I have went through tons and tons of painful memories and events at their actions - and the last straw was that my mother told me that I am irresponsible and I have been working for a longtime and and I dont even have a house. By the way - none of her children do have houses - only one does - but why me?> Beats me...You must love Jesus and invite the Holy Spirit to guide you in these things - you will certainly hear his voice. God Bless

they must be jealous, I'm sorry to hear that. As a middle child of three girls, I sort of feel what you're going through although having actual proof? I would absolutely confront them, it would actually give you more power over the situation. They would feel guilty and ridiculous I would imagine. this is a tough one but you seem like a good person and trust your instincts. :) You did NOT deserve it, no matter how you obtained the information. I recall when my mother paid more attention to my older sister using that exact word on her "queenie" but it never meant that I didn't love her ,I was jealous. (not anymore). best to ya

Hi iam going into hospital to have a prostate cancer removed and won't be online for a few weeks, but i know what you experienced with your sister, but eventually i won out because of my mental attitude, and now she loves me -first time ever in her life (from age 14 onwards anyway)and misses me..not too bad as she is 50 and am 63!!

will help you if you like, but will have to wait until i am back online as my operation and rest & recuperation is next Tuesday 23.8.11 onwards.

Meanwhile, don't despair..there i hope and success at the end of the tunnel!

take care My motto this year is LIVE-LOVE-LEARN-LAUGH...and your situation also fits into this motto !

mistygreen

My prayers are with you, I hope your surgery and recuperation go smoothly. I'll be looking forward to hearing more.

i can't imagine the pain that it must be causing you. i'm so sorry for that, i wish i could give you atheadvice that will solve your dilemma. but we are somehow on the same boat, i am at a lost . you see, i have 2 other sisters and they stopped talking to me, it's what we do if we're upset with each other, we give the silent treatment. but i cant stand it for long so im always the one to swallow my pride first and say sorry. As of now,, i;m just exhausted and tired of always being the one to fix things, they dont know how to say sorry and admit that they are at faults too, i want them to learn this ., i know i am not the best sister in the world, i had the worst temper (only if they did something wrong), but i love them so much and tried to be the best for them, i always think of them and give them what i have to make them happy, it really breaks my heart not to speak to them and upon seeing that they are fine with treating me as if i dont exist.. its heart wrenching. i am at a lost too, i am so sad right now, that's why i am here, surfing.. looking or some support from people experiencing the same dilemma.. i hope things will get better soon because i miss them so much. and i dont want to tregret the wasted time of what could have been a precious experience with them.

I am going through the same and looking for support. I dont know what my 2 sisters want from me, I cant change who i am, and I dont want to be like them. we just have different personalities. I also had a bad temper and they hated me for a long time. I have lived my life trying to make up for it and i am 45 now. I made a mistake a few weeks ago regarding a small issue and i apologized and was not forgiven. I am so hurt and cry all the time.

@runemagic, Thank you, it does help to know there are others who understand. You are right it is better to know the truth no matter how painful than to be in the dark and keep banging my head against the wall trying to get them to be friendly to me or to tell me what is wrong. I grew up really believing in family as a source of unconditional love so this turn of events was just unbelievable to me. It shook the foundation of my belief in what family is about. But when I go over all their hateful words in my mind I also see that they are very bitter, nasty, self-righteous snobs who on my own I would never choose as friends so keeping that in mind helps a little. Like you and your brother they seem to have ideas about me that aren't true and if they had taken the time to get to know me again I think they might have seen that, but then again maybe not. Hang in there until you get beyond this and I will too!

i understand only too well im not saying my family are the waltons but they all stick together that is ecept for me ive done nothing wrong ive tried too be nice to them ive been shoved outside the circle so too speak my whole family hate me and my storys almost the same as yours cept i have only an older by 12 years half brother he tells lie after lie about me that im a lyer a deciver a nasty this or that

im 30 years old it will never change all my famliy not just my brother hate me i dont know why im not what they say i am but maybe thats how they really see me all i know is your not alone and i know it hurts im sorry your family are so blinded by hate for you at least you know how they really think if you hadnt checked those emails you wouldnt have known but just look how they think of you no you and i dont need family like that its the getting over them that we need help with and the why are they even doing it too us i hope some one has an anser that can rest mine and your mind till then your not alone just remember that and you sound like your way better than they will ever be xxxxx

so sorry



grwoning up my sister monkey was more inportant then i was

but i was never part of the family anyway and they day the fight broke outi and my father took a belt to me in front om my girlf friends mother was thebest day as she took me home and became my mother