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Jacked!!!

I met my dad when I was 13. I lived in hell for 3 years watching him beat my sisters and Letting my step mom beat me. It got so bad i ran away. They got me back but my senior year in Hugh school i moved back in with my mom. I joined the air force in 2000. My dad and i were always at odds. Then in 2002 my father committed suicide based on my step sister saying he raped her. I however don't know if that is true or not. what I do know is that 6 months after my father killed himself I found out that I was pregnant with my oldest daughter and when I went to tell my family i was having a baby and leaving the air force they told me that how dare I leave the military when that was what my father wanted for me and I told them how do you expect me to live my life for a man who couldn't even bare to live his own or live up to what he had or had not done. 1 of my aunts had told me that she hoped my kids didn't treat me the way my father's treated him and i felt that was wrong to say something like that so I went off on her and my grandmother. So when in 2010 I moved to different part of the country I tried to maintain some contact with them and I'm friends with a few of them on Facebook but they just act like I don't exist they say awful things about me to other family members they're on my Facebook page but I don't get a happy birthday I don't get happy Mother's Day the don't even acknowledge my children I never knew his family and yet even with all the stuff that they've done to me I still cry because I want to know who and where I come from. I just want to know where I belong. I want to know why I was made to feel like this I want to know why I am made to feel like my very existence is somehow bothersome to there religious superb evangelistic lifestyles I thought Christians are supposed to be all for giving I have taken responsibility for my actions have apologize for all the stupid teenager things that I have done but yet they treat me like I am nothing. almost all my cousins my aunts and my uncle and their close family members treat me as if I put the gun in my father's mouth and pulled the trigger they continue to make me out to be this evil person how could I have made my father kill himself I was the 1 that was trying to go home to make sure that my step sister didn't destroy my father and yet here I am at 30 years old and I feel like I'm stuck at 16 is it so wrong to want to know where I stand and why I had be treated this way and why cant they love me!!!
gillax gillax 31-35, F 5 Responses Nov 20, 2012

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You were wounded by people you should have been able to trust.
You are still in need of therapy. This therapy will help you break the chain and NOT pass it on to your own children and grandchildren.
If you have not as yet told your daughter this story, you should do so now. Teach her how to protect her own children and learn the warning signs with from them.
I remember I once sat with my daughter and tried to explain to this child that id EVER there is anyone that you feel uncomfortable with, you MUST reach out and tell someone.
It may be a teacher, A neighbor or be it anyone you can trust. EVEN if you feel you are being hurt by Mommy or Daddy, you need to tell someone.
I recall my husband at the time(now divorced) was horrified and blasted me for even hinting he would hurt his daughter.
I looked straight over at him and said, "This isn't about protecting you. It's about protecting HER. She needs to know it's Okay to TELL and we unknowingly may at some time say or do something that could hurt her."

I guess its easier for them to cast me out because they were never really concerned about me or cared enough to know me in the beginning

There is so much to this. I cant post it all. I know i wasn't the greatest kid from 14 to 17. But i don't think my 2 lil sisters and i deserved this. I miss my dad and i hate him. And hate that i miss and hate him. It eats me up. Keeps me awake at night. He's been gone for ten years his family acts like he was never alive and that i don't exist. I've tried and failed with them. They wont listen. They are hurtful. I don't know how to deal with this

I moved back in with my mom because my father hurt me so bad i had bruises the state got involved and then my father made me recant my story and sent me to my mom.

Sorry my spelling is bad and my phone doesnt like to work right