Manipulative Parents?

It never seizes to amaze me when I read what an authoritative parent is - it's like next to that definition a photo of my parents should be next to it.

Emotional blackmail on every level possible is what I've often had to deal with and to make a long story short, once my parents felt their control and my dependence on them waiver they freaked out.

Going off to college is an experience where all kids learn to become independent adults and start to make their own decisions. Instead, my parents only gave into letting me go to college far from home with the counselation that they knew a family in the state I was studying.

But come Spring Break, after spending an entire semester and a half doing making my own decisions, I've decided to visit a friend in California and my parents went insane. Not to mention I paid my own ticket but according to them, the money I deposit into our sharing account is insignificant and doesn't count (although it was enough to pay my ticket).

They've threatened to take away the money from the bank account which convenient for them is shared under my name and theirs. Emotional blackmailing that if I go to visit my friend I can forget about them and face the consequences of such a decision. So what do you do when you need to pay for college but can't legally declare yourself independent?

Well maybe this will blowover but so far it seems that I am currently disowned by my parents who feel it's better to get back at your kid for not asking permission for everything.

Let's see how things turn out. Who knows, once they realize that they need just a little bit more than I need them they'll realize that I'm not the worst daughter in the world for going to California for a week.

nevergrowup nevergrowup
18-21
5 Responses Mar 13, 2009

My Grandmother raised me, and she and my aunt were so jealous if me. I never knew that until the age of 32. They manipulated me,took every piece of self esteem. It's unfortunate that their are family members this way. My mom has tried to come back in my life now that I'm an adult with children. It's very hard to understand these nasty, controlling, lying people. But Ive just been laying out the facts and seeking therapy. And I'm very to the point with them now, no longer allow their words or actions to affect me. Keep praying and seek therapy n accept it and move on. Life us great and we all deserve to live it.

My Grandmother raised me, and she and my aunt were so jealous if me. I never knew that until the age of 32. They manipulated me,took every piece of self esteem. It's unfortunate that their are family members this way. My mom has tried to come back in my life now that I'm an adult with children. It's very hard to understand these nasty, controlling, lying people. But Ive just been laying out the facts and seeking therapy. And I'm very to the point with them now, no longer allow their words or actions to affect me. Keep praying and seek therapy n accept it and move on. Life us great and we all deserve to live it.

Nevergrowup! Wow can I relate! My parents have set up my life so that I have all the material items I want .... but little did I know that it was ultimately to manipulate and control me. I love my lifestyle and I'm use to it, but now my dad has more obviously become a manipulative *******! He verbally abuses me all the time now that I've graduated from college and I live at home. I got an internship straight out of college and I don't have enough money to move out ... but i want to so bad! My parents are insane! My dad got so mad at me last week just because I've been in a horrible and depressed mood since I'm going through a bad break up. He told me that I can't just mope around and not talk to anyone in the family! And when I looked at him confused and said "what are you talking about?" cause I was shocked he wouldn't support me through my depressing time ... he lost it on me! He told me to "get the **** out! You're and ungreatful peice of ****!" and "I never want to see you again you little ****!" all because I wanted to be left alone and grieve! Also I don't need him anymore ... so both my parents yelled at me and verbally abused me because I am pulling away!

My mother has a selective memory, and it now appears, only ever needs me or wants me when she is "lonely". For several years after my dad and she divorced, I forgave her emotional abuse that she inflicted on me daily. Even to this day, she says she looks back on my childhood and sees a daughter that drove her crazy sometimes but that she really loved. She doesn't seem to remember all the character assasinations where I was accused of one thing after another, forbidden to do the simplist things with my friends on some pretext of her insanity.<br />
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She even admits that it was her "long term" therapist who was the cause of a lot of MY pain that she inflicted on me on his advice, without ever knowing me.<br />
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Now she married again about 5 years ago, and since that time, she once again is distant, doesn't come to holiday dinners anymore, doesn't make any kind of effort to give nice gifts to either me or my kids, etc. <br />
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A few years ago when I was having trouble with one daughter, who needed hospitalizing, I discovered that this daughter was routinely talking to my mother, but my mother never shared this information or the content of the conversations with me. In short, she interfered with my daughter's therapy because she had no way of discerning what was *really* going on. Now she is doing it again, so I have blocked her number from my phone and my youngest daughter's who is now going through her own crisis. If my daughter is going to talk to someone, its going to be me or a therapist or her best friend....NOT my mother.<br />
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My mother claims I've driven a wedge between her and the kids, which was never true until now. Even when we were not getting along before, I encouraged the kids to maintain their own relationships with her. But I will not abide her keeping secret conversations from me that could mean something more than she understands, while my child is going through a crisis.<br />
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And that is my decision to make whether she likes it or not.<br />
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Now my kids are currently almost 22 (with a 3 year old daughter of his own), 18, and 15. And my mother has now declared that I am no longer her daughter, not once, but twice. She claims she only means in the sense that she doesn't want me to accuse her of things. Even though we talked on the phone recently and I thought we understood each other. Then two days later, I get another scathing email telling me that my kids problems are my doing, my fault, and that I need psychiatric help, and not just ANY psychiatric help, I need "unpleasant, in your face help". I guess the therapy I'm already in isn't good enough for her since it doesn't punish me the way she thinks I deserve. She used to tell me I was mentallly ill all the time when I was a teenager. So this is a pattern for her, but of course, she won't remember any of it, and turns it around on me....and makes me the one who is the sick one.<br />
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My son really doesn't spend much time with her. Every time he would go over, she'd make him do all kinds of manual labor, because she felt thats what he should be doing for grandma. She couldn't just enjoy his company like she did when he was little. Now she had to take advantage of him instead. And that would be fine once in a while, but it got to be every visit. So he really doesn't have much of a relationship with her. He doesn't resent her, he just doesn't think much about it. <br />
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My oldest daughter says she wants to stay out of the middle, which I understand, but given all of what my mother has done to me, and how she interfered with my relationship with my daughter, I don't think my mother deserves to talk to her at all.<br />
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And the 15 year old can't talk to her because the number is blocked and we don't have long distance. She has to use someone else's phone for that, which she probably does.<br />
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I had hoped my kids would see through her but instead they hold contempt for me.<br />
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I'm a Christian. But now, because of all she's done, I can honestly say I hate my mother. what mother tells her daughter that she is "done with her" and says "I no longer have a daughter"? I would never do that to any of my kids. And my kids aren't easy either. But I wouldn't do that to them. That doesn't mean I wouldn't set limits or boundaries. I just would never disown them. <br />
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I'm not sure what I wanted here, except to vent. Maybe to have some support. Maybe to hear that someone else has a mother like mine, and what they did about it. I feel that my only option now is to cut her out of my life completely. But I'm stuck with her entanglements with my kids now, or at least one child, and probably 2. Interestingly enough, both the girls were as angry with her as I was a year ago. Now suddenly they've turned on me too. My mother thinks I'm policing her relationships with my kids, and she is right. After what she did to me, and after her interference in both daughters' therapy and interference with my own relationships with them, I feel its necessary.<br />
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My 18 year old graduated this year. She said she wanted a charm bracelet, and i mentioned it to my mother when we were still talking. I had every intention of getting this very special gift for her. But before I could even wrap mine, my mother hands her this beautiful bag with a beautiful heart, all nicely wrapped with an expensive brighton charm bracelet, and then tells me that she didn't think I could afford one. I will never forgive her for that. I tried. I even aquiesced that there was nothing wrong with having two. But I wanted to be the one to give it to her. God I hate my mother so much for the way she manipulates my kids like this. THIS after years of crappy gifts and "regifting" when she used to go out of her way to get them nice things.<br />
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And THEN she says she's going to give us all 2 computers and a tv. It was actually my decision to make the one computer for my daughter who is 18. Not as a grad gift, but because she is old enough now to have one of her own. My mother claims it was a grad gift. Really. HOW MUCH does she have to rub my nose in the fact that I can only do so much?<br />
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Then when we had our last argument, she decided my 18 year old would get her computer but nothing else would be given, which doesn't hurt me at all. I have a tv of my own, and I'm buying my own laptop with my financial aid money, as an educational expense. No, it only hurts my other two kids. So I told her if that was the way she felt about it, given that it only punishes the other two kids, we would not be accepting any of items. And I told my daughter i would be buying her a laptop anyway for school, to replace this loss. <br />
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My daughter then waited until we went away and then contacted my mother. And they had a nice long conversation before she finally brought up the pc. My mother of course said they were still available (after she told me she gave everything to her church). And my mother never even mentioned any of this to me when we got back, as we tried to figure out how she would return my class ring to me. All of this was done behind my back, but my mother doesn't see it that way. She figures it was a gift she was giving, and why shouldn't my daughter have it if she wants it. BECAUSE WE SAID NO AND WE ARE HER PARENTS! So, she ended up giving all 3 items. I thanked her, told her that was nice, and told her I forgive her for what she did to me in the past, and what she is doing now, and I forgive her for her perception of me. and I CAN forgive her, as long as I can also cut her out of my life and keep her at a very very far distance away from me.<br />
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But as long as one of my kids has relationship with her, I feel like I'm stuck having to deal with her and whatever bs she fills my kids heads with about me just to sabotage my relationship with my kids, and the healing of my own family.<br />
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Talk about a person who respects no boundaries.<br />
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Well, this has become a saga. Sorry for the length. I just had to get it all out.<br />
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Thanks.

Maybe they are just a little surprised at your decision to visit a CA friend instead of flying back to see them for your SB. I know my family would be!!<br />
Just try and explain it to them--and if they won't hear it, let it go... after all, you are an adult!