Drugged And Raped.

This is my first time on this website & my first story I'm sharing or whatever. I came across the website last night as I was laying down, stuck in my own head. I still today have a lot of fear from an incident that happened March of last year. I think I'm getting more uneasy, more frightened and I think about it more often simply because its almost been a year since its happened now. I've only told one person and I'm absolutely terrified to tell anyone else in person, because I was assured I would be killed. Even though its some time after, I do believe he stands by what he says. And I dare not open my mouth in person.. So this website is the first time I'm going to be sharing it, although its anonymous.. Still. I try to not even think about it, but I know I have not accepted and forgiven which is what I need to do. All I ask is for no judgmental or mean comments... ): When I was 16 I picked up a really bad speed habit that lasted a couple years. So last March I was 17, shooting up meth, so I do know that many of the things I went through I put myself in those positions. However, I always stayed within my age group and people who I went to high school with. I never messed around with gang members, mafia or any of the higher people in the drug business...until a certain night. I was set up by my 20 year old friend, he told me to meet him at a motel (which wasn't unusual because sometimes my friends and I would get motel or hotel rooms to party in for the night) however, when I got there my friend (the 20 year old kid) wasn't there.... His 44 year old 6'3, very muscular, very in shape drug dealer is... And it happens to be HIS room. (I'm 17 at this time and I'm little 5'5) so I go in, believing him when he said my friend was on his way... Still, it was weird to me because I knew who this guy was and he wasn't someone who ****** around. He never even kicked it with us, he only sold us dope. And when I say us, I mean a group of 18-23 year old kids... Who are basically just partying and making stupid decisions. NONE of us were like for that lifestyle. So I'm in the room with him and he asks me if I want a shot. And I told him I was good, I'd wait tip Scott got back. He let it go for a while. We sat around, I was chain smoking cigarette after cigarette because I knew something was going to go seriously wrong. And he then jumps up out of his chair and doesn't ask me, but tells me.. No I do want a shot. And I told him I was good, but his response got very low and very demanding he told me I wanted a shot and I was gonna lie it. At this point I agreed because he was scaring me, and I didn't want to **** him off. He isn't someone you **** with. And either way, I was shooting up meth at that time in my life... So that's what I thought he meant. He tells me he's gonna fix it for me, DOESN'T let me watch (which means he's going to load the needle without me seeing what he puts in it) he loads it and then pokes my arm many many times missing because I was watching him do it, as soon as I looked away he got it in and I looked back and the liquid in the rig was dark brown. I knew it wasn't heroine either. He pulls it out and within 3 seconds.... I knew that I was in serious trouble. It hurt my heart, my face flushed with red my blood temperature sky rocketed and I very welll felt like I was a heart beat away from an overdoze. I remembered he was talking to me right after, but my hearing was faint.. And everything got blurry. I told him I needed to leave and rushed for the door and he strictly told me in a very calm stern voice that I wasn't going anywhere. And it was the kind of tone you don't argue with... He told me to go lay down on the bed and that's what I did. At this point I HAD to lay down either way, even if I made it outside I was gonna drop to the floor. I could feel it. I remember laying down, he kneeled on the floor next to the motel bed and I asked him honestly just like tell me if I'm good please?? If I'm not good just put me outside and dip. (This is me thinking I was just overdosing and not wanting to die because I felt like I was gonna die right there at that very moment) he then asked me if I've ever slammed a g... I asked him what that was, and he said it was a form of date rape.... I remember I was really in and out of consciousness at this point and when he said that I asked him if that's what he just put in me.. He of course said no.. And then I passed out. What happened next is very, very strange.... I remember bits and pieces of me being completely naked on the bed, him doing what he wants with me... Except, I was like mentally unconscious? But I wasn't? Because I hardly remember but I do remember he was making me respond and say things back to him during the time that he was raping me. And then I remember waking up, again or like some time way later idk? And I was all wet like I had taken a shower so I went and got a towel from the bathroom and dried off. I was so scared and shaking and so distraught I started to beg him to let me leave. But he wouldn't just let me out of there, he made me get in the car with him and dropped me off down the street, leaving me to walk in the middle of nowhere, a scared, very very very not play physical or mental state to be walking trying to find my way home... But I did. I went home. I made it. Really late, my mom was asleep. My parents weren't aware of my drug addiction so there was no way I was telling them.. I stayed in my room that night so frightened, that was the first night of many that I didn't sleep.. And I had to get up and go to school the next day, and the next and the next. I tried to pretend it just never happened... But I couldn't just forget it, he wasn't gonna let me. The first thing I did was told my 20 year old friend what happened, not thinking he would go and tell him I opened my mouth!!!!!!! And that made things very horrible for me. He would stalk me, he put a bug in my phone and monitored all my calls and text messages. And he let me know on a daily basis how much easier it would be for him to just wax me because that's how he gets rid of little minor problems like me who like to run their mouth.... So I lived for many months, hiding, in fear of my life, and I didn't tell a single person because the one person I trusted and told he made it worse for me....... As of now, I'm trying to move forward with my life. I'm 18 now and moved away from that city, have a new job, new atmosphere, new boyfriend, no more shooting up drugs..... I'm trying to get my stuff together, but this is one thing I know I will never speak about in person, even if I'm by myself and I whisper a sentence with his name.... I can't even do that, I am so frightened that somehow he would hear that. I know many of you guys on here have been through similar situations, or somewhat..... In the end, I wish to forgive him, to honestly forgive him for what he has done to me because he is a very, very sick individual whom needs help. I wish to report him, to get him put in jail. I used to wish for him to be killed, and almost tried to plan that.. But now that I'm turning my life around this is something I need to accept and not be afraid of. And I don't know if that's ever going to happen. Because I very much feel I'm at fault for what happened to me.
livelaughloveee livelaughloveee
18-21, F
Jan 22, 2013