After 8 months of deep, intimate, funny, loving conversations. After 8 months of dreaming of the day we'd finally be together. After 8 months of talking and dreaming of the future and what it may hold. He dumped me. And didn't even bother to tell me.
April 16th, we talked, he told me he loved me, he told me he was thinking about me always and planning for when he could come be with me. I told him I loved him, which I did and still do (regrettably), I told him I was thinking about him always, which I was and still am (regrettably) and I told him I was hoping and dreaming and wishing for when he would finally be here and I would be in his arms and have him in mine. It was lovely, it wasn't unlike many other chats we'd had. He made me smile that day, he made me laugh, thinking about that conversation put a smile on my face for days following it. He made me happy.
May 7th, we hadn't talked or been in contact for a couple of weeks, which wasn't uncommon, between his schedule and mine it was often hard to get together. But on this day, I received a message, "Hey beautiful, talk to you soon ;)". I've never heard from him since.
I've emailed him, I've IM'd him, I've tried many times, in vain, to get him to acknowledge me, but he won't return any messages.
I want answers, I want to know why he's changed his mind, I want to know why he couldn't or wouldn't tell me, I want to know....anything. I just want a reason, I want to be acknowledged, I want to know that I wasn't a joke to him, that something about what we had was real.
I'm hurt. Unbearably, hurt. Sometimes breathing is so painful I just wish I could stop. I cry, endlessly it seems, my eyes are always red and swollen if not wet. I would say it feels as if I was being stabbed in the heart, but I think that would feel better.
Today, I have come to a new realization. I believe that he is going the route of saying, he has no idea who I am. Someone else was posing as him and talking to me, and he is sorry for whatever problems that may have caused but it wasn't him. This is of course ludicrous, he has pictures of himself posted on his profile, the profile he used to initiate contact with me, he has pictures of himself on his blog, the one he's using to say he's been "hacked", and he sent pictures to me personally, it's him. It's from him and his profile that I even know about the blog. There are so many reasons that I could use to explain how I know it was really truthfully him. And it hurts to think that he's trying to say he doesn't know me, after so much of what we've been through these last months. I suppose, I should say that I don't know for sure that he's trying to say it wasn't him, he hasn't acknowledged me in any way to say as much (big surprise), but it's a hunch I have, and so far, where he's concerned, my hunches are right.
Yes, I have been dumped, and I don't know how much longer I can deal with this hurt. I wish I could undo the last year of my life and never have met him, I wish I could disappear, I just want to stop feeling.