Words a Little Girl Should Never Hear From Her Mother

When you are young, you look to your parents for words. Your first words. Words telling you right and wrong. Words of insparation. Words of encouragement. Words of comfort. Words of wisdom. But I... heard other words. The words to be used as weapons.

My mother. She always had a temper, especially if something angered her earlier and she wasn't able to tell someone off right away, so she bottled it and emptied it out on the first person she could find. Her husband, her children...

From my earliest memories I can hear her echoes: "You ******* *****!" "You ungrateful little *****!" "What the **** is wrong with you, you good-for-nothing?!" "You lazy-***!" "You ****-faced little *****!" "You lazy ****!" "Numb-nutts!" "******* cry-baby, I'll go get you a mother-******* bottle!" "Stop your ******* crying!" "I put you in this world, I'll take you out of it!" "You are such a dumb-****!" "Fat-***!" "Idiot!" "Pig!" "Lard-***!" "Grubby little ****-sucker!" "You deserve to rot in hell!" "You little ********!" "You are ****** in the head!" "You make me sick, get out of my sight!" "All you do is **** me off!" "You're a worthless ingrate!" "You didn't deserve to be born!" "I wish I never had you!" The list goes on...

"I wish I never had you"... I think out of all of that, that one always hurt the worst. I have a faint memory of hiding in my room under my bed, crying so hard I could barely breath and wishing so hard for daddy to come home. I was in preschool. Tell me something. How can you be a ***** if you're only in preschool?

I remember many MANY times when she made me cry. Just with words. Her tone of voice. The look in her eyes. How she'd get so close to my face that she'd spit on me as she spoke. When I did cry, it disgusted her and it made her even more angry. She'd yell even more and say more hurtful words. She'd scream at me to stop crying. I couldn't. The more she'd yell, the more I'd cry and the more it'd **** her off. I couldn't help it. I'd get so worked up, I couldn't talk. I wanted to tell her that she was only making it worse, but all that came out of my mouth was a painful whine. I'd cry so hard my whole body would be shaking, my chest hurting as I would gasp for breath. Would you be able to stop crying if someone was screaming at you to stop?

She rarely ever hit us, but she would let us know how lucky we were that she wasn't like her parents. But there were a few times where I was smaked across the face. A few more times where she'd grab a hold of my hair and rip me across the room. But the words were EVERY day.

When I got a little older, 11? 12? I got into the habit of saying "shut up" to people. Well, it was earlier than that because I heard it so much from my mother, but not until then when I tried to tell her to "shut up". BIG mistake. Doing this was not something ANYONE could get away with. Saying "Shut up" to her was the biggest, dirtiest thing you could say to her. You can imagine how much worse that made things. It just wasn't done. "Stop it" was in the same category. You were much better off to just stand there, let her yell, and let her finish... or rather pause for 15 minutes or so before she started in again.

She was the worst bully I've ever dealt with. At around 13 I started gaining a lot of weight and she'd always make fun of me for it. She was heavy when she was a teenager too, you'd think she'd remember.

All of this caused me to believe that this is really what other people actually thought about me, but didn't tell me to my face. It was what everyone was thinking. They'd see me and in thier head they'd think those same thoughts that I'd been told by my mother all my life. Even to this day. I can't help but think everyone is staring at me, picking me apart, sharing false rumors, and things like that.

One morning when I was 14 (or 15?), a fairly normal morning, mom was "running late" for work again. She yelled upstairs to us "get your ***** moving you ******* losers!" You know, just the normal morning routine. Somewhere between there and the car the screaming escalated more than usual and it carried on into the car, as it often would. We were fighting back and forth and she stopped the car and told me to get out and walk. 15 miles away from school. (she was divorsed from my father at this point and was living 20 miles away) I got out and she drove off. I started walking trying to hold back the tears and the rage. She came back about 5 minutes later and I got back in. It continued until she dropped us off at my dad's. (we walked to school from there, it was still too early to go to school)

Somewhere along the way between getting up out of bed and going to school I realized for the very first time in my whole entire life that maybe, just maybe, this wasn't normal. Your mother doesn't yell and cuss at you? What? How strange! I went to my school counciler that morning. From there, I was hooked up with some outside people and eventually it was all decided that I was going to live full time with my dad.

My mother never got in any real trouble, and it's not as though I hate her. I do love her. My youngest sister still lives with her. We actually got along when I wasn't living with her. But she did refuse to get any perfessional help for her anger issues. I really wish she did though. I'm not SURE, but she does say she's doing better. I can't tell because I don't live with her. It was always like that. If we spent any more than, say, an hour together it wouldn't work, but we'd be fine until something pissed her off. And if we were in public, she'd work very hard at how she said things... if what she was doing wasn't wrong, then why did she have to change in public?

cinymin cinymin
18-21, F
10 Responses Apr 12, 2007

This brought tears to my eyes. It sounds so much like what I went through with my family (mum and aunt, my dad was never there), I thought I was just being too weak but I suppose I really wasn't. I really hope you're doing well.

.....wow. I came to this site hoping that I was wrong, that I had NOT really been abused. Hoping other people's stories would be so different from mine it couldn't possibly be true that I'd been abused.<br />
But then I read your story and it hit home. My childhood with my mother was almost EXACTLY the same.<br />
I know exactly what you mean when you say you feel "picked apart" and you hear your mothers thoughts as a reflectoin of what others are thinking. In fact, when I was kid, and even now, I have trouble paying for things at a convenience store, grocery store, etc because I have such social anxiety.<br />
And because my mother ALWAYS loved to tell me how fat I was I still struggle everytime I buy any kind of food in public...even eating/making food with a friend or roomate is hell.<br />
I'm so sorry this had to happen to you. You are not alone and your story, as hellish as it is, helped me realize I'm not alone, either.<br />
Keep your head up

i lived the same way only it was my father... im 16 now and going through the same thing STILL i just want to run away or commit suicide but i mean i have felt like that sense age 4 im sure u understand... thanks for sharing ur story it really helps

Hi cinymin...<br />
thanks for sharing your story, i think it takes a lot of courgae to do that...<br />
I`ve gone through the same thing, different dynamics, and have suffered along time because of it. i think the reason why i am here is to help me work some of this stuff out. but i am too afraid in telling the stories. they're just too cruel, and i am trying to work up the nerve. (i really don't want to create such negativity in such a wonderful place...)<br />
Thank you for sharing though. <br />
its nice to know I`m not the only one who's trying to deal with this stuff.<br />
well, not nice, but you know what i mean...<br />
:)

What a sad story! I think that I have a wonderful mother. After reading it I am much more sure of it. It must be very-very hard to you to live with this past. I wish you all the best and don't give up the fight with the shadows of it.

Thank you all for your support. I really wanted to share this story with those like myself and also, just maybe, those parents who do this without even realizing it. I still have a lot of issues that have come out of this including depression and beating myself up in my head with words my mother taught. I'm still trying to get over the after effects... the end was I'll say 6 years ago. It's not easy. And I also let myself fall into an abusive relationship, though it's over now. I can't believe how easy it was to just fall into the habit of accepting the way my boyfriend treated me... Now that it's over I can make direct comparisons and see just how similar the relationship I had with my mother growing up to the one I had with him was, though the latter was much more brief. It's hard. I'm in a healthy relationship now and we've been together just over a year and a half. He's so supportive of me. But no matter how great everything is now, there's still the echoes...

I know exactly where you are coming from. My mum also beat me and my brother and brought men into her life and allowed them to abuse us too. How are you now? In what way has it affected you? I suffer from anxiety and depression and low self esteem. Also I have gone on to choose a controlling partner who emotionally abuses me. Working on it now though!!

What a horrible thing to have to go through. Especially as a child. I can't even imagine. I do know that words can hurt. I've had some hurled at me either before being physically abused or instead of. (Some "beautiful" past relationships I've had.) Anyway, people can't possibly know what anybody else thinks of you unless they themselves reveal it, so try to remember this. They see only what you portray. Walk tall and keep going forward! I wish you nothing but the best here on out.

oh my god. thats exactly how i feel. no one in my family ever tried to help me when my mother yelled at me or poked my stomach calling me fat. she would just deny it and say i was a lieing ***** and shed cry saying i was a bad daughter. i never understood that someone else would understand that its not something "normal" or something everyone has been through. i almost cried reading this.<br />
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*The more she'd yell, the more I'd cry and the more it'd **** her off. I couldn't help it. I'd get so worked up, I couldn't talk. I wanted to tell her that she was only making it worse, but all that came out of my mouth was a painful whine. * <br />
<br />
that is so true. i always felt it was wrong for someone to expect a kid who was only in 2nd grade or so to stop crying at the drop of a hat. <br />
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thank you for writing this . and im so sorry you went through that

That's tough and it's not fair. Keep your head up...it's not your fault your mom is the way she is.<br />
J.