Emotionally Crippled

When I was a kid my dad would refuse to even talk to me. He was basically there to punish me, and that's it. Whenever something happened or I did anything wrong, he would beat me (typical, right?). You would expect my mom to always be there for me and comfort me but when I was growing up she always made me feel horrible about myself.

I lack the language skills to express how much I detest her, but here are a few examples of some of my days when I was growing up when I NEEDED a parent and one was not there to be found.

After I finished the 8th grade, we had moved to a new neighborhood nearly an hour drive away from all of my friends. On the night before my first day of highschool, I sat in silence in my room trying to think about how my life would get itself together for highschool, while listening to my parents talk about me in the living room downstairs (thinking I couldn't hear), about how I have no future and how I'm a waste of money and how they should have given me up for adoption as a child. On the morning of my first day, parents had to go with their kids because of orientation and what not. My mom came with me and it's about a 2 minute walk from my house to the bus stop, passing 2 other bus stops for other buses along the way. The entire way there, at the top of her lungs, she was screaming at me saying things like "you're disgracing me", "you're pathetic", "you're going to fail in highschool because you can't do anything with your life", stuff like that. Literally everyone in my neighborhood that was waiting for buses were watching as we passed them and I bowed my head in shame and she humiliated me all the way there and ate away at what little self-confidence I had worked up for my first day of highschool.

Another example, which I remember like it was only a few hours ago, happened when I was 5. She had taken me to get a haircut (my hair was fairly long). She told the barber to shave my head, but I wanted to have SOME hair left (she literally wanted me to have a clean shaven head). So the entire time I was in that chair, I was crying and screaming telling the barber to stop. He had shaved half of my head and my mom was holding me down. She was literally using all her might to squeeze my arms together (which, by the way, left bruises on both of my arms). The barber had stopped because I had begged him to. Keep in mind, I was 5. Finally, after about 2 minutes of my mom screaming my name at the top of her lungs (drawing the attention of everyone in the barber shop), she had finally said "ok", and walked away. According to my brother, who was also there with us, I chased after her screaming "mommy you hurt me", to which she replied "I'm not your mother anymore", and walked out of the barber shop. She told my brother to get in the car with her so they can leave me at the barber shop but my brother said he'll walk me home so my mom drove off and me and him had to walk what he said to be about 30 minutes to get home. After I had gotten home with my head half-shaved, my dad without even asking me one question, ran over to me and started punching me (according to my brother), and then he made my brother hold me down as he shaved the other half of my head. I remember this part clearly, neither of my parents said anything to me after that day for nearly 3 days. No goodmorning, no "come eat", no "are you ok", nothing.

I've been talking to one of my friends who's working on a degree in psychology. She said it's the reason that I let my (now ex) girlfriend push me around, cheat on me, etc. She says subconsciously, I was really happy to get some kind of love that I LET her walk all over me and hurt me.

Just sharing. I'm new to this community. I've read a few stories so far and I can honestly say I can relate to every single one of them so far. I've been tearing up a little bit after every one of them too.
dudeme65 dudeme65
18-21, M
4 Responses Oct 14, 2012

you've just wrote my life story. every single part of this story is related to me

I clearly remember one time, on my brothers birthday my mom screamed at me for no reason, then because it was my brothers birthday she dragged us into a resteraunt for dinner. Then she hugged my brother for what seemed like forever while giving me a look that clearly said "i love your brother but not you." That image of her face will never leave my mind.

Wow. I could feel it when I read what you wrote. Now if I need anything from Mom she does it and makes me feel guilty for needing it. I'm about to give up. Children shouldn't have to teach parents how to parent.

It's unfortunate how in this world, our parents are the only people we start life wanting to believe in us and love us. I can relate to your story and I also am new to this community. I hope you come out a better individual due to your experiences and those around you