I'm Affraid I'll Make The Same Mistakes

i believe i was emotionally abused as a child. both my parents had difficulty managing stress and controlling their emotions, so they were prone to frequent outbursts of anger. bottom line: my parents were extremely harsh with me. something as minor and unintentional as spilling a drink would cause them to rage at me, screaming insults and expletives. i can't remember ever liking myself or feeling like i was a good person worthy of anything. though i was never beaten, i did received frequent corporal punishment in the form of clips on the ear and spankings, and i was always terrified things would escalate, because they seemed so angry and out-of-control. fortunately, the physical punishments never did, but the constant and unpredictable rages definitely left their mark. as an adult, i've had ongoing mental health issues and have struggled to overcome a pervasive sense of inadequacy and self-loathing. i have a great deal of difficulty allowing people to get close to me and have never been able to establish an intimate/ romantic relationship even though i ache to do so. i also love kids and want children but fear that because i'm emotionally damaged, i will damage my child. i couldn't live with knowing that i inflicted the same pain i live with on a child i was meant to nurture and protect.
An Ep User An EP User
4 Responses Jan 17, 2013

I have a hard time dealing w/ stress & my emotions & have a 2yr old son so I'm terrified that I am teaching him the same. I already see signs in him of frustration & anger when things don't work the way he wants. I am hoping for ways to help w/ my lack of patients & stress management so I can be a positive role model.

the difference between you and me is the physical punishment from my parents which scared my life. i know its not easy to forgive or forget it, but you need to start loving your life and let others to come in to your world. sooner you do that, sooner you feel relieved from this pain. Believe me you would make a perfect mother /wife or a friend. good luck

I feel for you. My parents had also trouble managing their stress and resentment thus turned to my brother and me as an outlet. Being the oldest, I was always protective of my brother but little did I know I was the one who needed to be protected. As the last 11 years of my life in confusion, anger, and sadness of why my parents acted the way they did. My mother left on my 13th birthday and my father continued to verbally abuse me everyday. At times it did get physical but mostly it was verbally.

Most would say its not abuse if it doesn't get physical but my fathers words cut through me like knives. I have had everything from anorexia, to bulimia, to anxiety, to deppression, to personality/dissociative disorders, to my attempt at suicide at 14. I'm 18yrs now, and until this day those memories still haunt me, Its hard for me to at times even talk to my mother and father, the anger/ sadness is still there.

I also long to have a relationship too. And maybe one day have kids as well, that i will always love and adore. But I'm too scared to even have a relationship right now, maybe in the future I'll find that person who will show me that couples do work out. But one thing is for sure, never, never, ever will I treat my kids the way my parents treated me. This ugly cycle ends here.

Stay strong An EP User, everything turns out okay in the end, and if doesn't......well, ITS NOT THE END JUST YET. =) ((((hugs)))))

I think you'll become a good parent. You already love your future child so much. :)