I Said Good By To My Mother And Didn't See Her For 22 Years Until She Died

My father beat me and now I have PTSD from the beatings. My mother heard me screaming during the beatings which were for little or no reason. She never acknowledged they even happened. I would be on the floor for several minutes and she never checked to see if I was still alive or not. She never touched me that I can remember. Neither parent ever said they liked me much less say they loved me ever. I had to do all the chores around the house and my 4 younger brothers did nothing. One year for Christmas I got a pair of 30 plus year old ice skates that were my fathers old skates he didn't want or use any more from Santa, I didn't touch them but left them there and never looked under the Christmas tree ever again at Christmas time. The only time either of my parents ever touched me was when my father beat me which scared me to death because he punched me hard enough to knock me across the room. I wet my pants from fright every time he beat me. As a little boy I never went to my mother if I was hurt or scared she paid little or no attention to me ever except to have me do some work or job she wanted done. My mother was never there for me ever and when my father died I went to see her to find out now that he was gone would she be a different person now that he couldn't influence her in any way. She was the same person she had always been to me at least. I told her that I would leaving in a few minutes and I would never see her again because I hated the way I felt toward her because she was never a mother to me ever,. Yes you brought me into the world but you were never a mother to me ever. She said nothing and made no facial changes what so ever, I said good by turned and left and after closing the door behind me felt a burden lifting off my shoulders, it was one of the happiest days of my life, sorry to say. She died 22 years later and I saw her at her funeral in the casket a few hours before she was buried. I felt nothing at that time and for the previous 22 years in particular, especially after I said good by to her because you see I had no mother, never did. Life has been very difficult never having love in any form from either parent, its like living in hell. I am now 78 years of age and that has been a lot of punishment for something I didn't do. How I longed for a real mother, they were all around me. Thank you very much for listening to me.
jjgavinjr jjgavinjr
2 Responses Jan 12, 2012

Your story is so similar to mine, I had to join this site. I detest my mother & love her at the same time that it literally makes me sick to the stomach & vomit. I suffer from PTSD & anxiety, because of what she still calls my perfect childhood. I will post my story up soon, but noticed that my heart races just thinking of putting it into text. Thank you soo much for posting your story. It had to be hard for you to do, but it has shown me that I'm not alone in what I went through. My brother & sister love our mom but their childhood was very different from mine, so I never had anyone to talk to who could relate. Therapists try to relate, but trying to explain to them only draws pity & they can't relate because the mother child bond is there. I just said goodbye for the last time to my mom a month ago, but I don't think she heard me because she was so busy screaming dumbass over & over to on the phone. I still cry & get upset over what I went through. I wish sometimes that I could shatter the positive self image extended family has of her & just make her admit what happened to me that made me want to run away alot. I'm 30 now & she's taken one of my cousins kid because of alleged abuse, but I feel she did that because she was lonely. The husband she let beat me left her for another family & all her kids have grown up. She talks crap about all of us except the youngest(her fave) & doesn't understand why I don't want to bring my family to go visit her for xmas. She's so clueless that it's insulting. She knows what she did & pretends that meds she takes makes her forget things so there can be no retribution, but question how dumb she is, then her mind becomes as sharp as it always was. Sorry I get into this loop of talking about how much I hate her as a means of self defense. It's like I have remind myself in order to protect myself & I too will feel relieved when she dies because then I know for sure that she will never hurt me or my pockets again.(I was her work horse when she was a single mom) Did you ever get over your pain through therapy?

Hi Harken
I feel for you and the loss you feel not having a real mother in your life. From my perspective you have to say good by to your so called mother because she will make your life much worse than it will otherwise be. She is not capable of being a normal mother and she will cause you even more pain if you attempt to make something out of a situation that can never be normal for you. Life will always be difficult for you but you need to stop inflicting more harm on yourself by living with the twisted relationship you have with her. Get away while you can and work on survival, your survival. I have lived in this black hole with this pain fopr some 72 to 75 years now as I will be 80 this coming 6th of May. It never gets easier or better because there is nothing there, there never was but I saw normalcy all around me very early on so I know whate its supposed to be like and I can live with that.
Thank you for your words.

That is so very very sad. It was never your fault. They were just very bad parents. love, Calm

Hi calmgreenocean but knowing that doesn't change much of anything. I have been in therapy for some three years now because around that time my childhood was stating to bother me a great deal with flashbacks and I felt I would return to an earlier time where I was suicidal and hated myself a great deal and came within a few seconds of crashing my car as fast as it would go into a concrete bridge abutment but at the last secobnd realized not having written a note telling the world why I did it and then the two people responsible (my parents0 would have twisted the reason to suite their own views. Thats the only reason I didn't then and felt I was returning back to that time again. During my life I have fought against an ultra high level of anger within myself. I learned as a little boy I needed a mother and never having one has caused very serious damage to me as a person. Its a very long story and I have published my story on the web and many of the medical people I have seen over the years suggest my story reads like fiction its so bizarre, but its what happened and I managed to survive it. The reason is I felt I was treated so unjustly that I vowed to never let the B%@&$%# that were my parents win. It only makes for a survival not a life that is desirable in any way. Its been described as hell on earth by the smart ones in the profession and just because you know its not your fault doesn't seem to help a heck of a lot. Its a very long and complicated story this is just the tip of the iceberg. Thank you so very much for your very kind words they are very important because your feeling back them up and I find do help. Your a very loving and kind soul, you are what makes the world turn. Thank you so much.

well. thank you very much. Hope you find peace. love, Calm