A Mother In Name Only

I was the oldest son of 5 boys. I have a severe case of PTSD from the beatings by my father for little or no reason. My mother never did anything to stop these beatings, she never even checked to see if I was even alive after she heard me screaming during the beatings. I would be on the floor for several minutes after wetting my pants uncontrollably from the beating. She never acknowledged these beatings ever took place. I never heard my mother say she even liked me forget about loving me. I cant recall my mother ever touching me even by accident. I never heard my mother laugh, raise her voice, yell or even be angry. My mother was a great provider. She was a good cook, had many talents way to many to list here. I never went to my mother when I was hurt as a little boy no matter what. My father made me do all the household chores while my brothers did nothing. My parents didn't care if things were fair only that I did nearly everything. While growing up I hated my father from my earliest recollection of his existence. We never did anything ever as father, son. The only time he ever touched me was to beat me. I left to go into the military after finishing high school and saying good by to my parents was (no embrace of any kind, no hand shaking even) I simply said good by and left. My friend and his girl friend even took me to the train station not my parents. After my father died I went to see my mother to find out if she would be different now that he was gone. She was the same as she had always been, not the slightest change. After telling her I hated the way I felt towards her I told her I would be leaving and never see her again, she said nothing, not a word, did nothing. I didn't see her till she passed away some 22 years later. I felt a great relief in saying good by to my mother because you see she had me yes but she was never a mother to me ever.
jjgavinjr jjgavinjr
70+
2 Responses May 17, 2012

MNpastor<br />
Its a very long story but to answer your question the simple answer is no. I had 4 other brothers and one of them passed away. My father made me responsible for my brothers behavior when I was around 7 years of age or so but without any authority and you can guess where that went. If I touched any of them I got a beating from my father and these beatings traumatized me to the point I wanted to die as a way out. At best my brothers and I were litter mates and for over 60 years we have nothing to do with one another. They have never been to my house and I theirs. They became my enemy because they got me beatings. They could say I hit one of them even if I was miles away and that got me a beating. I learned to come home every day only when I had to be in my house and that was by 6 pm. My mother was never there for me ever she never even acknowledged these beatings ever happened , forget about The only two people who could answer that question were my parents and they have long since gone. I should have confronted them before they passed on but I hated them beyond your wildest expectations and wanted absolutely nothing to do with them. So I will never know. I was so afraid of my father that even telling any or even one of my relatives could if my father learned about it for sure would have gotten me killed by him. He came very, very close and for little or no reason. The thought of doing anything that made him mad was the last thing I would ever do. It was when I was around 75 years of age that I even allowed myself to think about my past on purpose. <br />
Thank you for asking.

Sorry...prayers. Wondering if you have any other family members you can go to to ask why they might have been this way to you and not the others? You may not get any answers....I never will.