My Mother *made-me* Wear A Dress, High-Heels, And -- Everything Underneath. I did my the math, figured in how old I *REALLY* was,
                    and was HORRIFIED with the results!!!


                "Does this red dress make me look fat?"

I'm a guy, & I TOO was forced to wear a dress, high-heels, & everything underneath. This was done by my mother & my older sister (6 yrs my senior), BUT mostly by my mom. It all started when I was age 12, and lasted till...well, I'm not really sure until when. But, I know it was well into my teen years. I was never MADE to wear the girly clothes outside the house (except for one time, when mom made me dress up like a girl for halloween). The girly stuff also included a complete makeup job.

I can still remember those words my mother said to me, a long...time...ago... when -- I was wearing a dress that my mom had just dressed me in.

She said, "Oh, you know 'Heathland'* when you were born in 1953, you were supposed to have been a girl. I really wanted another pretty little girl, a little girl I could dress-up in pretty dresses. A pretty girl, just -  like - your -sister." She added, "Your sister was born right handed, with blue eyes, and red hair. And what I REALLY wanted was a left handed girl, with brown eyes, and brown hair. Well, I got all that, but you were born the wrong sex."


I ALWAYS thought my mother said those words to me,  when I was 7,8,9 yrs old, until that is...until I did the math. I said something like below:


"OK let me see, the dressing like a girl happened from 196, when we just moved to Hawthorne New Jersey. And lasted to...maybe 1968. OK. I was born in 1953,...ahhh...subtract the 53 from 54, and...OMG!!! I was 11 when they dressed me as a girl...until...until...maybe even age 15-16!!!??? OMG!!!"


WHY the @#$%^ did they do such a horrible thing. I mean, if they had dressed me up when I was 7,8,9, that wouldn't have been so bad, BUT from age 11 to maybe15 or 16?!?!, OMG!!! No wonder my head is soo screwed up.


           "Do you know what mom put on stupid cat!?!?
 Mom put on me this F@#$KING little sissy dress!!! That's what cat.

Today, I'm 59, and just the other day, I got the courage to ask my sister when she called me on the phone about the whole girly thing affair. (My sis now lives about 1000 miles away from me). When I asked, She answered, "Oh 'Heathland', you were Soooo cute. You looked just like a little girl-l-l." Rolling the word.


I retorted angrily, "Sis, HOW OLD-- WAS I -- WHEN MOM -- and YOU -- DID ALL THIS  -- GIRLY DRESSING THING ON ME???!!!"


She innocently replied, "Oh, well, you were just a little boy." she innocently said, and then she added, " were really soo cute in those dresses!"


"Sis, do the math, please," I said, "Like, it was 1964 to maybe 1968, when all this happened, and I was born in 1953."


I could hear my sister, doing the math verbally, mumbling quietly.
"OK, It was 1964 when we moved to Hawthorne New Jersey...ahhh...and we started -- putting dresses on you -- the same year...ahhh...subtract 53...ok...and...ahhh...."


Then she exclaimed, "Good God, 'Heathland', you mean...we dressed you up like a little girl, when you were THAT OLD!!??? Oh No?!...OMG!!"

"Yup. You did, and do you know...that messed up my head -- sooo much."
I said over the phone. "Because of that, and being forced to pee & mess myself by mom...I got really confused, about whether I was a girl or a boy, or maybe even just an 'IT', and sometimes I STILL get confused,"

Why did the peeing, add to my gender identity confusion? Well, at that time, I ONLY saw "GIRLS" wet their pants, so I naturally concluded that 'Well, if I wet my pants like a girl, I - MUST - be a girl. I was also raped by 3 older male students when I was in high-school. This only added to my confusion. You see, I though ONLY girls got raped. I didn't know...I was just an uninformed stupid confused kid. You know how teens can be. 

Anyway, when I told my sister that I had developed a Gender-Identity-Disorder,  because of the girly dressing and the abuse, she replied,

"Ohhhh, 'Heathland', I'm sooo sorry!!!. I had no idea you were that old. I'm sooo sorry that all happened."

Well, I told her she didn't have to apologize. It wasn't her fault. It was mom's fault. I said, "You know how much of a monster mom was. I mean between all mom's drinking & drugging, she was a mean SOB, and not right in the head!! You know what I mean?"

She agreed with me, and still apologized. We talked some more and we both hung up the phones, BUT, both of us ended, still feeling upset.

So, EP readers, you can plainly see that whether you were a mother, older sister, or a female neighbor, DRESSING the your son (or little brother) up as a girl, COULD really screw up his head. (I said "could" because, I'm sure most of you guys out there, came out smelling like a rose. I mean, your fine with dressing up in women's clothing.No psychological trauma. No PTSD.

But, it wasn't fine with me. I still have to go to therapy.


ONE FINAL NOTE: I am definitely aware, that there are guys here at EP, that like/love to dress up as a women & do it all the time, or even felt like they should have been born a women and dress likewise. And have even been surgically altered. That's all fine with me. No problem.

Appreciatively, to all my Friends here at EP, Heathland {:-{)>
From: North Carolina, USA.

P.S.: Of course, 'Heathland' is my anonymous name. Maybe, one day, I'll tell you all my real name. Bye-Bye...........
For more of my stories goto:  <>


[Written, Friday, 24 August 2012 @ 3 AM]

Heathland Heathland
61-65, M
9 Responses Aug 24, 2012

Hey after a few decades what does it matter if you are off by a year or two, even three!

I know how to tell. If there is a sticklike organ in your crouch then your a guy. If you only have a slit you are a girl.

What a story!! I've always said that I have nothing against cross dressing, but if it is FORCED on a child, then it must be considered a form of emotional abuse!

Wednesday, 29Oct2014, ~6PM
Thank you esth009 for talking the time to read my story, and to leave a comment. YES! forcing me (a male teen in the mid 1960's, just into puberty ) to dress me like a girl. To this day I still feel more like a female inside, than male. In fact, I recently took an internet quiz to see what gender my mind was. Well, I'm sure you can guess what the results were: definitely womanly. But, being very emotionally, mentally androgynous, personally I greatly enjoy. --------------------------
I'm a writer of young adult fiction, and all of my stories and novels I'm writing, I always use young teen female protagonists (heroines).----------
Grateful for your interest esth009, Heathland (:-{)>

P.S. esth009. I too, like you, have nothing against cross dressing. In fact, I have been wearing ladies panties for the last 20+ years, but there nothing fancy and look like for either gender. The are lots more comfortable than men's. I hate! cotton boxers and hate cotton tiddy-whitetys. :-) Heathland.

Wednesday, 29October 2014, ~6:40PM
Dear esthr009. So you don't get confused "iaminvisible129" is also me. My therapist says I am borderline Disassociative Identity Disorder (DiD); used to be called MPD (multiple personality disorder), but DiD due to all the severe abuse done to me in my teens. Heathland is my dominant "personality".

And to you esthr009 and Project Experience, I didn't create my EP alter personality (I.e. ego) for any dishonest purpose. I sign in as iaminvisible129 when I too scared to sign in as Heathland.

Very Respectfully Yours, Heathland (:-{)>

Thanks so much for responding. Gender is perhaps the most important characteristic of human identity. Even more than race, it is your gender that ultimately determines how society treats you. Rightly or wrongly, (probably wrongly) males and females are expected to live under certain social rules, and when those rules are broken (or perceived to be broken), serious social pushback can occur. Even something as mundane as my wearing ballet flats in public can cause an occasional snicker. Of course, pretty much all of us are socialized in this manner, and as a result, damage to our sense of identity is caused when we are asked to step over the line into the "other" gender. This is especially true when we are kids still searching for our identity. Heathland, I never doubted the honesty of your story, and I hope you can one day find peace of mind.

1 More Response

UPDATE: Since I wrote the above story well over a year ago, I had discovered why I was -- and still am -- confused by the dates and ages because I had/have "Selective Dissociative Amnesia" (SDA).

SDA: " ...– the person has patchy or incomplete memories of the traumatic event." "CAUSES: Most mental health professionals believe that the underlying cause of dissociative disorders is chronic trauma in childhood. Examples of trauma included repeated physical or sexual abuse, emotional abuse or neglect. "

From age 12/13 to present I have also experienced Dissociative Fugues (DF): "Dissociative fugue is also known as psychogenic fugue. The person suddenly, and without any warning, can’t remember who they are and has no memory of their past. They don’t realise they are experiencing memory loss and may invent a new identity [I did not]. Typically, the person travels from home – sometimes over thousands of kilometres [miles] – while in the fugue, which may last between hours and months. When the person comes out of their dissociative fugue, they are usually confused with no recollection of the ‘new life’ they have made for themselves.". Within the last 12 yrs, I was told I had 2 separate DFs. 1st time I got really stressed out over "being forced" to do something i did not want to do, and I the next thing I remembered, I was outside my red van and didn't know where i was. From my watch, it was 8 hrs later from the "being forced to do something" episode. Found out from police I traveled 100 miles north of my home, and my wife had been desperately searching for me. I did not invent a new identity, though.
Source for above information:
Other good source of "Selective Dissociative Amnesia" (SDA) (Also known as Psychogenic Amnesia):

"Selective Amnesia: happens when a person can recall only small parts of events that took place in a defined period of time. For example, and abuse victim may recall only some parts of the series of events around his or her abuse.":

"Selective amnesia happens when a person can recall only small parts of events that took place in a defined period of time. For example, an abuse victim may recall only some parts of the series of events around the abuse.":

I hope the above info and sources will help any reader understand why a sexual abuse victim often cannot remember dates and ages, or specific details of the abuse, e.g. who, when, where, why, what and how.

Most respectfully, Heathland

Dear Heathland, hearing your story breaks my heart to see what you have gone through. Its good to hear your getting therapy. Did your mom ever get repercussions or did you ever tell police? Anyway I'd be friends with you! Also this makes me think about the movie Kinky Boots, pls don't be offended.

thanx DonnaRollo for your kind words.
No, mother had no repercussions, nor did i tell the police...back in the 1960's i didn't realize what my mother was doing to me - the abuse - was wrong, abnormal.

we didn't have social services workers who protected kids from abusing parents, nor even protect kids from pedaphiles. And we didn't really have any therapists...if there were any that i could have told about my abuse, she/he would have told me i was lying. See next paragraph for clarification.

Emotional, physical and especially sexual abuse in any form was NEVER talked about ever....NOT EVER! Not in homes, not in school, not by police, not even by a psychiatrist if a victim was brave enough to speak to him. If a victim, like myself, were to try to tell someone, even the police, i would have been told i was either crazy or telling lies. And a psychiatrist would have also told me i was lying. Anybody i would have told, would have called my parents about my lying, recommending that i be severely punished...spanking was totally acceptable in the 1960's and highly encouraged as a form of punishment, including by the police.

appreciatively, heathland {:{)&gt;

Tuesday, 26Feb2013/11PM<br />
To: All EP readers, but especially to Tracker4<br />
From: the author of the above story, Heathland<br />
Subj: credibility of stories, i.e. does my story seem fake?<br />
1) Does my story seem fake or believable, either only parts or all of it?<br />
2) What in my story do you feel is fake/unbelievable?<br />
3) NOTE: I added the pictures & text below pic. to add some levity/humor to my story. <br />
1st pic. "Does this red dress make me look fat" - BTW, the little boy in red dress is not me. Found it on internet.<br />
2nd pic. The pissed-off little girls yelling at cat.<br />
3rd pic. the little shacking cold dog.<br />
<br />
QUESTION: Does pictures & funny text below pics. detract from my serious story too much? Does the pics. make it story appear fake, OR...worst. do they seem I'm making fun at those that cross-dress, thereby disrespecting them (i.e. cross dressers)?<br />
<br />
Should I delete the 3 pictures?<br />
<br />
I apologize to all those that cross-dress. I was once a cross dresser my self due to my having a gender-identity-disorder originally due to my mother treating me often like a little girl (especially sex abuse) from my age of 11/12 (?not sure how old I was when abuse started, nor stopped, blocked-out memories) till age ??? 16/17??<br />
<br />
ESPECIALLY TO: Tracker4 . Thank you for your constructive comment. For opening my eyes that I might be disrespecting cross-dressers. Please feel free to criticize & comment my stories.<br />
<br />
Respectfully to all EP'ers, Heathland {:-{)>

Sorry, reading this just ran the word "Fake" Through my head, then it was confirmed when whoever your sister is said "I had no idea you where that young" No, she is your sister, doing the maths, 6 years your superior, makes her, 17? It's highly unlikely in that day and age she moved out before you where born, so she had to have known your age, you changed the age from 12 at the beginning to 11, and just the general thing screamed fake, know, as a guy who actually has a gender identity issue, I see this as offense. I don't care if this was posted nearly a year ago. It's out of order.

Monday, 25Feb2013/3 PM
Thanx for very much your comment Tracker4. &amp; I don't take your comment with any offense.

I hope I can clarify your confusion. If you still believe my story is fake after reading below....that's Okay with me.

But, No... this story is not fake. I changed my age from 11 to 12 'cause, due to the extreme sexual abuse that went along with me having to dress up in girly clothes, my subconscious blocked much of the details from the beginning of the sexual abuse. I have Delayed-Onset-Post-Traumatic-Stress-Disorder (PTSD). Meaning, I did not even remember most of the abuse until much later (post). When my brain found it self enough for me -- to remember, memories that were fragmented, blurry....
INCLUDING &amp; especially ages.

You said,
"It's highly unlikely in that day and age she moved out before you where born, so she had to have known your age"...I not sure what you mean by this, but my sister was ALSO abused, physically &amp; emotionally (sexually, not sure) but she also has PTSD and is still confused about many details (including ages).

I was age (maybe...not sure???) 11/12/13 when my mom dressed me up often as a girls, that would make my sister age (again not sure on dates) 17/18/19 when she helped (coerced) my mom dress me up. My sister did not move out from my parents until she got married about age 25.

But Tracker4...what I wrote above was entirely true. Just still not sure on dates &amp; ages. I'll be very happy to discuss this further with you.

Again, thanks for your comment.
Appreciatively, Heathland {:_{)&gt; with my beard &amp; mostache

Tuesday, 26Feb2013/1 AM Also Tracker4, (and anyone else who is confused by my story) the picture at the top of my story of the little boy in the red dress is not me. I added only to give the story some levity/humor; that's why I added the "Does this dress make me look fat?" Also, for I short time in 1996/7/8, I used to cross dress only a little bit, i.e. shoes, blouse, panties &amp; pink nail polish. I do not any more except for the panties...I still wear them, but more unisex. Lastly, I have no problem when anybody else cross-dresses. Again, Tracker4...thanx for your comment. And, please continue to comment, EVEN if it is negative.....Heathland {:-{)&gt;

Tuesday, 26Feb2013 To Tracker4 &amp; anybody else who is confused by my story. 1) It was not meant to offend you Tracker4 nor anybody else who may cross dress. If you all like to cross dress, that's perfectly OK. I think mor men should cross dress if it makes them feel better about themselves. I don't think it right that society finds that ladies/girls to wear men's/boys(Tom-boy) clothes, &amp; men/boys are NOT. 2) For the age question confusion: my sister was born 1947 &amp; I 1953. Again, I apologize if I have offended anybody who may cross dress. I did not intend to offend anybody. I JUST wrote my story because it was true. Respectfully, Heathland {:-{)&gt;

Dear LoriQ
This story of mine *IS* absolutely totally TRUE. In fact, I am writing my autobiography/memoirs about it. I am entitling it, "Don't Call Me Robert, but call me a child of God". I don't have any idea when it will be finished, let alone published, you see due to a bad car wreck I was in (with my wife) my back is really messed up, and I have to stay a lot laying flat in bed. Sitting at my computer desk causes me great pain. Even now I'm laying in bed and using my Kindle and using the new "Me Too" EP app that I just discovered just a few minutes ago.

Yes, LoriQ I write like a kid. My wife can tell you that emotionally I STILL am a kid. I emotionally really never grew up, I guess due to the abuse.

Please believe me. I am not a...what is the social web site word...a Catfish (I think that means fake) nor am I "trolling" (to get attention, a drastic response).

I'm sorry LoriQ and any other readers if you don't believe any or all my story. If any of you readers still don't believe my story and you believe in Heaven, than when you get there (I.e. Heaven), you find out my story was true.

But thanx LoriQ and any other disbelievers for at least taking the time to read and comment my story, How ever untrue it may seem.

Very Respectfully Yours, Heathland.A.McRae (:-{)>

1 More Response

i would have taken your place if i could have

There is absolutely no justification in recreating ones-self at the expense of anothers dignity.

Thanx for the comment tshadow...I think?

But still, somewhat confused by your comment, "There is absolutely no justification in recreating ones-self at the expense of anothers dignity."

The "...recreating one-self..." part -- Are you referring to my mother trying to "recreate" me (i.e. her forcing me to wear a dress)?...and "at the expense of" *my* dignity? Please clarify.

Again, thanx for for your comment, whether it be support or criticism.
Heathland {:-{)&gt;