Came As A Total Shock To Me...

So my boyfriend and I have been together for almost eight months. He has expressed his desire to marry me after we finish college, and so have I. I understand that while we aren't necessarily too young to say that, we still have a good amount of years before he's done with school (Pharmacy, you see). Anyway, we are currently in a slight long-distance relationship and I only see him on weekends.

Now, before this happened, he's required me to change before. He didn't like that it was hard for me to talk about what was bothering me, and so it was something I eventually overcame for him. He didn't threaten to leave me then.
This time, we got into an argument and he says he had been questioning our relationship as a result of it. He refused to talk to me for about an hour during the fight as a result of something I had said ("I didn't do sh!t") and he told me he'd "let me think about that for the rest of the night." I felt as though I were a child and he was putting me in time-out... I never said anything about it though, at that point I was frantic with wondering if he'd leave me and I couldn't make it worse.

We eventually got around to talking about it that night. He said that we don't talk enough at all on the phone or in person.

I've always naturally been a more quiet person, and so has he. We talk all day through texting pretty much while I'm away at school. He says we need to change the amount we talk over the phone/in person or else he thinks we'll grow apart, break up, and he "doesn't want to be disappointed." I've agreed to try and be more talkative with him, but he's so pessimistic about it. He acted like we were doomed to fail and no longer talks about the future. He says he's giving it "a chance" but I don't feel like he's really into it,

I called him later the next day after I came home from school. We talked for a half hour, with me chatting away like an idiot, trying to show I could change if he gives me the time I need. Afterwards he said he feels more confident about us. He still hasn't brought up the future at all, but honestly, I don't think I could handle it if he did.

We've been so nice to each other today over text, using smiles and laughs and him saying how much he wants to hug me and "never let go." That hurts me so much when he says it... I thought he wasn't sure about us? Why would he say words like "never" and "forever?" I don't know what to think at all anymore. I feel like my happy texts are forced. I desperately want to move past this, but I don't know what's going on with him. I'm so hurt that as soon as we hit a hard spot, he considers ditching... if he really had wanted to marry me, wouldn't he want to be confident about our ability to change? Haven't I already shown him that I can change if necessary?

He still acts so happy, and I'm pretending I am, too. He says he's "so lucky to have me because I have so much faith in him," and he admits he still only feels "more confident." I don't know if I believe this sudden happiness.

I'm seeing him this afternoon. Wish me luck.
Adosia Adosia
18-21, F
6 Responses Nov 19, 2010

It sounds like he is just projecting his own fears onto you. I hate to talk so generalized, but most men have a hard time expressing their fears and end up projecting it onto their partners. Men in general are raised to be brave and tough, and those two words do not mix with fears and feelings. So the next time he starts acting like that try not to take it too personally, just open your heart and let the love flow through your words.

Thank you, I really appreciate you taking the time to write such a lengthy, thought-out response for me. :)<br />
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I'll keep this in mind. He says it won't come up again, but you know, promises like that are easily not upheld, I won't be naive and think it can't happen again. I realize I shouldn't always let him be the dominant one in the relationship. <br />
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Maybe I'll bring up the skittishness in the future. Your point makes a lot of sense to me and I'll trust it since you seem to know what you're talking about.<br />
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Thanks again. :)

I did, thanks. Turns out, that's exactly what we both needed to do... chill out and stop taking everything so seriously. :P

Oh...and did you have good luck?

You both have to chill...of course direct things... but also let things naturally unfold for better or worse.

Thanks :)<br />
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I saw him today and it all went very well. We talked it over at the end of the day and he says he thought he jumped to it too quickly and apologized, but I told him I'll still work towards the communication improvements. All is happy again :D