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I'm So Tired ..... I Don't Know How Strong One Person Is Expected to Be!

On December 25th 2005 my life changed forever when an unknown driver crossed the center line and hit me head on.  I was very fortunate to have the life saving support of some amazing paramedics who knew my only chance at survival was to break protocal and take me directly to VGH a trauma center. This coupled with with an angel or two that were with me  made the difference between life or death. Being the holiday and due to the fact that police could not locate my next of kin I spent those touch go hours with a chaplin.   My family finally found me late Christmas afternoon.   

Since then lifes been in slow motion. My first hospital stay was over a month with allot of that time in ICU.  I've been in and out of the hospital  many times since then.   I was so happy back then.  At  the beggining I was so happy to be ALIVE thankful to be breathing I was so sure everything could be worked out......

It's almost three years and I'm getting tired.  So much has happened and  I'm trying really hard to stay possitive. It's hard to stay possitive when you've had ten surgeries.  I've been in chronic pain since the accident.  I had every bone in my face broken and the piece just don't seem to fit together the same way.  I don't recognize the face in the miror.  I know I should be happy I'm alive but sometime I feel like a stranger in my body. I feel like a stranger in my life its all slowly dissapearing. Some  days I'm ok with it other days I'm just not. My worlds just so messes up. I know its temporary but it still not ok.   For as small  my life has has gotten in some ways the relationships I do have, have become richer then ever before. I feel truely bless for all I have. I love my friend and family so much.  One of the greatest things to come out of this accident  is my bestfriend and lifeline my dog Floyd. I was  urgered to get him to help me.  Floyd.... he brings a smile to my face and give a reason to get up and moving each day.

 As for the who did this?  Jaggitt is the coward who crossed the center line and hit me.  He was charged with the crime six months after the accident. He lawered up with a high priced lawer and has been playing games for the last two years. He has pled guily to one count but retracted one of his pleas so we have to wait to go go back to trail in December of this year .  It will be three years I will never be the same I have a brain injury, I have facial difiguration, chronic pain, phycholgical pain, the list could go on and on but why complain and the most he will get is two years most likely house arest.  Where is the justist? How can someone just leave a person like an animal on the road to die? Where has our humanity gone?

myLoftysunshine myLoftysunshine 31-35 29 Responses Sep 13, 2008

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I'm knew to the group my accident happened in 2000 I was only 15 and for 4mos the right side of my face was paralyzed and I know exactly what u mean by looking at yourself and not being happy with the image in the mirror out of 13 skull fractures and a broken neck and lacerations being a woman I always would ask god why did my face have to get messed up but I'm so happy to be alive and have the support of my family jus take one day at a time I know exactly what u r feeling thanks for sharing your story

My name is Rose and nice to meet you. You are a miracle and I will pray for you. I am sorry you suffer this way.Your life is a gift. The Creator of this universe is healing you.Love and peace be with you:) <3

I'm not going to say I know what your going through or it will get better.I will tell you the truth and see if you can relate to some of my story.<br />
march,2002 ..I had just got married july 2001.going to work on a mandatory Friday night.raining ..car in front of me.stops Im almost stopped and then WHAM. two girls going to a party in the city hit me doing 55-60 mph.she hit me.I hit the guy turning. it took me four times to remember the pbone number to work that night at the crash.I thought nothing if it.work sent another guy out to pick me up.after two hours my vision was out of focus and as you say life went downhill..I have a brain injury.I gave a.deposition for an hour and a half and three days later the insurance company paid tje full amount of her policy.I've been to the.MHNI MICHIGAN HEAD NEUROLOGICAL INSTITUTE started by DR.SEIPEL .. he worked on me for over a year.my neurologist in louisville,ky. foumd this place for me.I would.drive from louisville to ann arbor mich. at least once a month.finally he referred me to.tje xleveland clinic..I was set to go and I'm like I could chase this dream all my life.so I learned to accept myself for me...no I'm not the person I was before.. somethings I'm better than before somethings not so good at.as I was.. but I stopped looking at the why ... and started looking at the ok this is melets work on me..I have learned there are awesome giving people in this world..people that god put into my life years ago.just for this.I also.learned there are a lot of cruel people also. who say they live you then try to push you over the edge to kill yourself.<br />
my buddies kept me safe and helped me see.through that storm.I have twin boys 7 years old..<br />
I'm lucky I can complain.sometimes..others can't. I can see the sunrise or sunset and be amazed..there is no guarantee there will be one tomorrow.<br />
finally I met this lady who in a few short months will have my heart forever.no we are not together any more and I'm not sure why.but she gave me a book..I'm not a big reader..lol<br />
she said for me to take what I believed in tje book and hold onto it tight what I didn't believe in to just leave there.I WOULD SAY WHAT SHE DID BY GIVING ME A BOOK HAS NOT CHANGED WHO I AM OR WHO THE PERSON IN THE MIRROR I DONT EVEN KNOW IS..BUT I FOUND OUT MY LIFE IS MINE..MY CHOICES ..SO NOW I GET TO CHOOSE..THE BOOK.<br />
CONVERSATIONS WITH GOD ..BOOK ONE..<br />
I WILL BUY YOU ONE IF YOU WILL READ IT.JUST SEND ME YOUR INFORMATION.IVE GIVE I BET AT LEAST 30 OF THEM AWAY.THE WRITER IS NEALE DONALD WALSCH...I WANT TO LIVE TO BE AT LEAST 100 BEFORE I DIDNT WANT TO LIVE UNTIL THE NEXT MINUTE.GOD SENT HER TO ME..I WISH WE WERE STILL.TOGETHER BUT MAYBE SOMEDAY..SHE GETS TO CHOOSE FOR HERSELF ALSO..THIS FREE WILL.THING EXPLAINED BETTER. THIS IS TO GO WITH YOUR BELIEFS NOT LEAD YOU AWAY FROM THEM.I HOPE THIS HELPS. IM HERE WHEN YOU NEED ME AND YOU WILL AND THAT IS OK..OH IM 49 SO I WAS 40 WHEN THIS HAPPENED TO ME. HAPPY TRAILS,COWBOY:)

Your story is similar to mine, only your sounds much worse. I know what it's like to be hit head on and feel the person who did this horric act to you is walking around happy as a lark while you suffer. You wonder why? I ask myself all the time, and sometimes I have myself a little pity party. When these moments occur no one seems to understand. They say your so lucky, your still here. Yes I am lucky but I am here now in a body I do not know and feel like a stranger in my own body. Unless you have been there you can not understand that thinking. I comend you for the strength you have had, and the courage you continue to carry. Be strong and move forward.

..i hope you will get better each day you got!!! <br />
Maybe you could write a story of how helpful your insurance and lawyer/attorneys are in your case, for us here on ep!!!!<br />
I mean what ever the Guy says and agrees on ,does not really matter,he drove ,he hit,he is insured ,they pay!!! have to!!! What ever they have to find out to punish him its not your problem!!Make that clear!!!

there no way to say sorry, or to feel your pain, or to even tell you being the bigger person should feel better. Each day you go on is one more that is a testament to truly how trong you really are. All I can do is appluad you for so many people with issues far less distressing than your situation give up every day. All I can really say is thankyou. Your strength truly does speak. In the end you truly deserve the best.

I understand and it *does* get better, it takes YEARS, but hang in there, it *really* does get better. I was also hit head on & teh woman who hit me had whiplash and wouldnt get out of her SUV. Be thankfull for teh ppl who helped you & forget about what or who caused it. Easier said than done, I know! I talked about chopping up the woman who hit me up & putting her in a blender just so that she could feel my pain. I've felt your pain, I know it well. I feel pain every day from my accident, it's less, but it is there forever.<br />
<br />
Use that anger that you feel as your tool to push foward towards getting better. Anger is perfectly normal with a head injury. "Coping with a mild traumatic brain injury" is a great book to read. It helps because you aren't even aware of what your brain isnt telling you yet, and your doctors can't even tell you yet. <br />
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I hope it helps you to know that I'm walking teh same road as you. As for he people who hit us, we can't punish them enough..........and there is no possible way.......it's completely out of our hands. <br />
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Be happy for today & I send you & Floyd two big hugs and a smile. I *know* you'll get though this.

No justice. You are added to my prayers.

It kind of shocks me that with your extent of injuries, that anyone could ever lawyer up enough to matter!What's wrong with the system? If your injured, you deserve compensation, period! I wish you the best! And I'm glad you have that dog --people need those pets--they bring out the love in us.

I was injured in 2007. Not a car accident but due to the carelessness of staff at a facility where I was setting up for an art show. I am a right handed artist and tore my rotater cuff on that side. Fractured ribs and numerous other injuries that continue to haunt my body. Months of physical therapy to help with balance issues and restore my right arm and hand as much as possible. My surgeon had to cut into my shoulder and shave a lot of bone away and I have atrophied muscles now. Slowly regaining my strength but this has taken a terrible toll on my life. I can no longer load and unload my van and my career has suffered. My artwork defined me for I was a professional artist for thirty years. I have TMJ from this injury and am seeing more specialists as the pain is quite debilitating at times but I go on with life. What are the options but to keep trying?<br />
<br />
It is a legal matter and finally both parties involved have gotten on board for resolution in my case. I just received this news today.I was told that this will be a long process and it has been exactly that. I have friends sending out their positive affirmations for this resolution too and it is finally in the end stage after so long. Still much to do but the wheels of justice are turning.<br />
<br />
I know how you must be feeling. Life changing events like this close some doors but also open up new ones. I found new and compassionate friends and also lost a few old ones but this happens in life. Tragedies change us. We have time to reflect on our lives. The support of loved ones is so important. <br />
<br />
The most affirming lesson I have learned from these past two years is the power of positive thought. Our bodies are full of energy. We have the ability to use this energy in ways that bring good things into our lives. I started keeping a gratitude/ positive affirmation journal. I write in this every night before I go to sleep. First I write down things that I am grateful for on that day. Then I write down my affirmations and believe in the power of putting this out into the universe. <br />
<br />
I write down where I want to be in my life. Physical healing for myself. Resolution for my legal matters. Financial freedom from debt caused by my injury. A new career path that my body can handle. Love and respect and laughter and passion for all of these are elements missing in my present life but very present in the life that I will have.<br />
<br />
I envision this life and how my affirmations will be fulfilled. I picture myself walking on a white sandy beach looking out at the ocean. Hand in hand with a man who loves me for being who I am. I picture a home filled with love and respect and I have even started dreaming of this home at night. I know exactly what it looks like. It will be near dear friends in an area that I have grown to love.<br />
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I see myself happy and healed, both body and soul. I laugh and smile all of the time. My loved ones have good lives. I am safe and loved and respected in my new life that is coming soon. <br />
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When life gets me down as it does for all of us at times, I grumble and growl but I always come back to my power of attraction. Accepting the power of positive attraction and putting out into the universe what I desire for my happiness is working. I get signs about this all of the time now. It is a process that I have learned to trust in. <br />
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I hope this helps you in some way. Your and others injuries are much worse than mine are but pain is pain. I will not devalue anyone's suffering as greater or lesser than my own. Through my pain I have become a better human being. More compassionate and understanding of others. More loving. More patient and that is sometimes a hard one for me.<br />
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If you would like to know more about what I have learned from my injury and the power that we all have inside of us for a better happier life please message me. I will help in any way I can. Blessings, D.

Wow thats really sad and im really sorry to hear everything that has happened to you! I honestly believe that you were saved because you have a huge gift to give the world! You belong here and you have something that no one else on this earth has! You are beautiful on the inside and out no matter what has happened to you! I hope you remember that! And those that have stayed with you through all this are the people who truely care about you! Life isnt about how you look or what has happened it is about who you are and what you will become! Just enjoy life and somewhere down the road everything will work out1 Life isnt fair sometimes and I completely understand that its hard dealing with things that happen...but even if this person gets house arrest...they probably somewhere down the line are going to feel really bad about the things that they have done and its not going to sit well with them! I hope you enjoy the rest of your life and remember how special it is that you are here today =]

I am listining to your story and I am ashamed of the drivers in this country that will hire lawyers before facing up to their own wrong doing. I cannot even imagine having a broken face bone. Sometimes a dog is the only one who will give us unconditional love. I also do not know what it is like to be under constant pain. I can only hope that you will find your "rainbow," and that life will be better for you. Keep talking to your doctor about every little thing, no matter how small. You deserve to get better!

I am a caretaker for my boyfriend... his wreck was 3/7/08 and he was in the hospital just under a month. Living with Severe Traumatic Brain Injury is so hard on both of us, since we really have no support or guidance toward rebuilding his life.... He is in chronic pain every day and soon he will have spinal surgery. Perhaps I should get him a puppy? the kitty probably wouldn't mind... I hope you are still active on EP, I would love to have someone to talk to that knows what we're going through... =D

I am a caretaker for my boyfriend... his wreck was 3/7/08 and he was in the hospital just under a month. Living with Severe Traumatic Brain Injury is so hard on both of us, since we really have no support or guidance toward rebuilding his life.... He is in chronic pain every day and soon he will have spinal surgery. Perhaps I should get him a puppy? the kitty probably wouldn't mind... I hope you are still active on EP, I would love to have someone to talk to that knows what we're going through... =D

Karma is strong. U will survive and be in a place to enjoy your wonderful life ahead of u.<br />
<br />
Just know u r here for a purpose and your time is to filled with plenty.<br />
You are blessed

Your story really touched my heart as I read it. I too was in an car accident that disfigured my face. Until I read your story I felt like the only person in the world going through this. Just know that you are not alone. Your experience has gave me more hope and comfort. I know its hard, but you sound like a very positive person and im confident that you will be just fine one day. I would like to share my story with you.

What happened to you is a horrible, horrible thing made worse by the scum that is the person who caused this accident. You have every right to be angry. You probably should be angry. However, going through life with this anger and bitterness in your heart will only add to your suffering. It is probably best to concentrate your energies into getting better and feeling better. Have somebody else worry about bringing the perpetrator to justice.<br />
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I wish I could agree with the people here who say there is a reason that this happened to you. I don't believe that. Just as I don't believe there is any reason why so many children in Africa are dying of starvation, or their parents drop like flies from being infected with AIDS, or any other horrible thing that has befallen anyone on this planet. I believe we only say that to comfort ourselves.<br />
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The truth is your former life is gone and you have been dealt this new, terrible hand. All you can do is the make the best of it. And I can see that you already have in many ways. You can see the good things that have come as a result of this accident. All hope is not lost. There is still much to live for. Is it worth all the pain you must endure? That is only for you to decide. But I get the sense that life is still is worth living for you and that things might yet get better in the future. So try to hang in there and let the little joys of life carry you through.<br />
<br />
All the best.

I'm so sorry for what happened to you- the least that man could have done is tell you how sorry he is for doing this to you.<br />
<br />
In the end he'll get his- Karma works faster nowadays. And the justice system, while it can be slow, will work itself out in the end.

The "reason" it happened?<br />
<br />
Hell, you take karma and synchronicity way too far.<br />
<br />
An ******* was driving either carelessly or dangerously. Our member here is injured, permanently. That person who caused it is free to enjoy life.<br />
<br />
Can you not see? there is no universal justice. We make it or let it slide.<br />
<br />
Getting angry won't help, but waiting for planets to align is a wasted life.<br />
<br />
There will be no understanding here.<br />
<br />
I do pray for you 'myloftysunshine', without a doubt. However, unless that animal comes clean and visits you, life will continue to be confusing (beyond your injuries)<br />
<br />
X

Listen to Waiwera. That person is the one filled with compassion for you. <br />
<br />
I pray that you will heal quickly and discover the "reason" it happened.<br />
<br />
Speedlimit55

I hope the other driver gets a visit from the revenge angels. If you were my family I would have already gone and burned his face with petrol.<br />
<br />
Nothing will ensure justice for his selfish actions and subsequent denial of his responsibility.<br />
<br />
may he burn in a car crash.

I just wanted to say that you are a very courageous & strong woman. Don't lose sight of that, even in your darkest hour. I think determination has a lot to do with it too.<br />
I think you are here for a reason even if it's just to share your story & your strength with others. <br />
You have really made me feel like putting my life & my issues into perspective.<br />
Try not to let the anger control you. It just wasn't right what he did to you. But it never will be.<br />
If you ever want someone to chat to or email to I will be here.

Truly sorry to hear about what has happened to you. I'm a firm believer that there are no accidents. This might sound odd or horrible and I'm sorry if it does, I'm not real good with saying what is in my head. But here it goes. Before you were born you chose this to happen, (which says allot about what kind of beautiful person you are inside) you chose this because someone or several someone's in your life will learn lessons of love, passion, forgivieness, and all kinds of other life lessons from you and what you are going through. Maybe you should ask the ones close to you, what have they learned since this has happened. I will send my prayers to you and if you would like I will send Reiki. I strongly, suggest you learn about Reiki, I know it can help you and your pain. It is a Universal Life Force Energy that can help relax, and heal. There are prationers all over the world and if you chose you could learn it yourself and treat others. I admit I have never been through the physical pain your going through but I did go through the mental pain and I can honely say it's gone. Because of Reiki, it will take several treatments, it's very safe and non-invasive, it does'nt hurt. And I promise it will help if you give a true chance. If your able to respond to this, pelas let me know if it's okay for me to send you some long distance. I am happy to do it, but i can only do it if you want it. Best wishes for your recovery.<br />
Betty Lou

Hey...my heart goes out to you... I urge you to keep on living your life, and always remember to be kind to yourself. Don't forget, you suffered (and survived) brain trauma - and noone comes back from that the same. (I know,because I was in an accident 7 years ago and in a deep coma for over a week). Yes, you do have to watch your life as you knew it disappear. Yes, you have to rebuild it...and it isn't easy. And yes, there will be times when you will be so tired (don't forget this is a normal side effect from brain trauma) and people won't understand you...not because they don't want to, but because they haven't been through what you're going through. But one way of keeping your head straight is to stay close to the people who matter, whose love is REAL..ie: unconditional. Things get better, life doesn't die. My life is so much richer than it was, I understand so much more...and yes, I also suffered injustice in the accident, and it is still hard to accept. But - love yourself. You're still here and I'm glad you are!<br />
I send you an enormous hug.

Thank you for sharing your story, myLoftySunshine. I'm sorry that this has happened to you, but you appear to be a strong individual and you will make it. The only thing that is harder to get over than your injuries, is depression. Depression is my nemesis. I'm not sure of a cure, and I'm not into medications for it. I think mine is situational but when it hits, it hits hard and I spiral, for sure. You're being hard on yourself, and I understand. But screw what people think. I am my own worst critic. I'm not sure the extent of the dis figuration, but if people want to judge you, then f@#% them. You gotta dunk yourself into indifference, and let the judgment bead off of you like water off of a waxed car. Again, f@#% them. Let this "shape" who you are, and not solely "define" who you are. With respect to justice, I believe that if this ******* never apologized to you and is fighting in court, then he has no remorse. If you can find it in your heart, I say forgive the worthless bastard anyway as mollyp said above. The Judge that we will all stand before because of our sins will provide the justice in the end whether it is provided here on earth or not. <br />
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I'm not sure how these work, but I'm sure there are some great support groups where you can meet people that have been where you are and were able to overcome the psychological battles and have way better advice then what I'm inadequately trying to impart. EP is great for unloading and venting, but you could actually meet people face to face, and I think that would be good. Truly knowing you're not alone in this by seeing for yourself is better than being told you're not alone, but you are not alone. Best wishes to you, amigo(a).<br />
<br />
ChopinWood

Dear myLoftysunshine,<br />
<br />
After such a story, I feel I want to enfold you in a big, big hug...<br />
<br />
Many of us go through these "accidental" happenings in our lives - I've been through a few, but none as horrendous as that. And life does change, abruptly and permanently for this embodiment.<br />
<br />
But you survived; and there must be a good reason for that. How wonderful that you make the effort to look on the bright side and try to make the best of your life from here on in... as you say, its not a permanent disability, but is confined to this life. And its likely that someone will be encouraged by your example to meet their own situation with fortitude and courage...<br />
<br />
As for the peson who banged into you... well, it will have been a life-changing experience for him too... He had the opportunity to do the right thing by you afterwards, and it seems he is fighting instead. The wish to survive seems to take over, even if its at another's expense. But the opportunity was there for him to do the right thing, and he didn't take it. He will face that again some day.<br />
<br />
Meanwhile, I think you will find yourself developing extra strength of character and making a number of new friends, so - keep cheerful and may some miracle help you in your bid to recover in the most complete way possible!<br />
<br />
Sincerely, - - Waiwera

MY DEAR,MY HEART GOES OUT TO YOU.I FEEL YOUR PAIN AND SADNESS.I WAS IN A SMALLER SCALE WRECK 2YRS AGO,IT LEFT ME WITH A SHORT TERM BRAIN ISSUE,AND SEVERE BACK PAIN.I HAVE BEEN TO PHYSICAL THERAPY FOREVER,DRS ,MRIS,IT IS ALL EXHAUSTING.I WILL HAVE THESE ISSUES FOREVER.PLEASE KNOW YOU ARE LOVED AND NEEDED.KNOW I AM HERE PRAYING FOR YOU,HOPING YOU WILL BE SMILING AGAIN SOON.PLEASE TAKE CARE GOD BLESS YOU I TRULY UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU ARE GONG THROUGH.ARE YOU ABLE TO RECEIVE ANY RELAXATION SERVICES LIKE GENTLE TOUCH?IT MAY HELP YOU,IT HELPED ME.IT IS LIGHT MASSAGE.TAKE CARE'''''I WILL CHECK UP ON YOU FROM TIME TO TIME'''

I'm so sorry that you have had to endure this kind of pain. But know this...you will live your life knowing that you are the better person than this individual who hurt you. All the lawyers in the world cannot give him a good night's sleep or erase the nightmares from his conscience when he does sleep. As hard as it may sound, try to find some sort of forgiveness in your heart. For in doing so, you will prove who is in fact the better man and you'll feel a weight lift as well. I know of what I speak here, I just recently found forgiveness for someone who hurt me many years ago and I wish with all my heart, I had found it earlier....I feel at least that part of my life has some peace in it. God Bless.

wow man...sorry that had to happen. You're right there isn't any justice at all for something like this...this man was an idiot for what he did....your upset and I understand your anger toward the situation...This is something that will never leave his conscious and his guilt will haunt him forever. You've done a good job at staying positive and I really hope that things get better for you.