And It Almost Killed Me

broke my back on the way to work one day, it was the strangest thing... coulda swore that i had the right of way goin thru that intersection. all i had to do was turn my head a little and see the truck about to fly thru the redlight. by not doing this i allowed the following to happen...

-loss of gainful employment and self confidence

-my wife cheating on me and leaving me for some guy she played WoW with, telling me i was lucky she stayed as long as she did

-losing my children when said wife moved 12 states away to be with said guy

-moving back in with mom

im pulling myself outta this funk, i still have days tho. been talking to someone who makes me want to better myself. i believe in me again and i thats all that matters

 

hijinx420 hijinx420
26-30
1 Response Mar 2, 2009

Type your comment here...Unfortunately..everyone goes through struggles, pain, illness, injuries, divorce, and defeat at some point in life..but in varrying degrees. You my friend..have been dealt a handful!! <br />
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Your wife first of all..is a selfish and hurtful person. At a time in your life..when you needed her support..her love..her attention..her reassurance..she was off breaking your wedding vows. My belief about cheating in any situation is that it is the WORST thing you can do to someone you "love/loved/profess to love" because it makes them unable to trust fully with anybody after you..and makes them criticize and doubt themselves! It makes them feel inaddequate. As your wife..she should have not only been faithful to you..she should have been empathisizing, helpful and AWARE of your self confidence problems related to the accident. And seeing as how she was your wife..she should have at least ,if she was not in love with you anymore or unhapy..had the respect..and the consideration and sense to TELL you this..and THEN move on. Her behaviour was dispicable. You deserve MUCH better than that..and hopefully what she has done with all of this..is opened up your availability to be WITH the right girl when you find her. Her taking your kids..is so utterly unfair and selfish..yet again. It hurts you and them. If I was to divorce my husband..I am 100% certain..that I would NEVER move my children to a place that I knew he or I could not READILY and regularly make it possible for him to spend time with our children. You created those children together, and when that happened..her priorities should have shifted from her happiness and wants..to you and your childrens' !!! Her cheating..and moving that far away are visible signs of just how SELFISH she is, moving to be with a man who she broke up her MARRIAGE for..and taking their kids away from their father..who needs them more than ever! I can never even fathom how any parent copes with not seeing their child every day. You have my complete sympathy and I admire your strength for not just giving up on having happiness and love in your life again someday!<br />
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Loss of self confidence is often a LARGE side effect of becoming disabled. Sadly I could never go about suggesting how to remedy that..as I have a serious problem trying to even like myself somedays let alone love myself. And if I cannot control these thoughts about MY body/mind..how can I expect to be able to advise you how to improve YOUR situation, with other additional problems added to the insecurities. All I can say there is..there is someone out there for everyone I believe. I think that choices in life..and other factors though make it so you may never actually meet that person or you will end up with them. If you stay in the house...hiding from the world in a sense..ripping apart your self image...how are you ever gonna move on? If you are tearing yourself down, blaming yourself or holding onto resentment towards your ex wife it will eat you alive. For some men , inability to preform s.exually is another side effect of being paralyzed...and that is when the REAL insecurities come out for them. If you were lucky enough to be one of the men..who managed to still have your s.exual organs working properly..maybe that is a way to start feeling a tiny bit better. Remind yourself..that as grim as things are for you now..they could've been worse..or more final. You could've died. The people in the other car could've died. You could have had your FAMILY in your car if it had happened at another time or place. For me..when I feel like everything is going wrong in my life or that I am not good enough..I sit and think that somewhere in the world..somebody is loosing a child, loosing a spouse, becoming homeless, addicted to drugs, slowly dying or even so consumed with self loathing that they kill themselves. As long as I am alive..breathing..able to love and be loved..to have another shot at life for another day..I am greatful. Every day is a chance to change things in your life..little by little in different kinds of ways. Loving yourself more..for example..not being so hard on yourself..can lead to a newfound confidence. And confidence is something that radiates through a person..through actions, body language, the things they say..and can also make a person find you attractive. So every day if you start to think a postive thought about yourself..maybe you are laying the groundwork for attracting a possible life mate. If you are down on yourself..for not being able to do something physical like walk, run, dance, ski..spend time concentrating on and putting to use the things you CAN do. You deserve what I believe every decent human being deserves..love, assistance if asked..a job or home situation that brings you joy..and most of all..HAPPINESS in general. Don't let her..deprive you of any of that..or make it so you are sabotaging yourself by doubting you deserve it..or may ever find it. Not every woman is like her, not every woman sees a man in a wheelchair as "less" of a man, not every woman even needs s.exual relations. There is all kinds of women out there. And you have to love yourself..to be able to love one of them again someday. :D<br />
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My uncle..was in a car accident when he was only 16. His cousin was driving at the time, they had all been out partying and the driver had been drinking. My uncle was the ONLY one during that night who WAS sober but had no licence. So when his cousin went over the edge of the gully..he was the only one conscious and alert when they went over. He was not only the ONLY one INJURED in this tragedy..he was paralyzed that night. After almost 2 years in a rehabilitaion/ disablity institution..he was finally able to be allowed to go home, to go on living his life. He did initially of COURSE go through mourning the loss of his previous lifestyle...but never let his not being able to walk/run/work in his future career field hold him back. He went to college, had girlfriends, drove his car with the help of his nifty little machines ( :D ), lived independantly and eventually was blessed to meet a girl and take her kids on as his own..and have a child of his own with her. After the birth of their(her last) child..she got heavily involved in drugs..and took off one day..leaving their children with a babysitter and never coming back. She called once, and told my Uncle that she had cheated on him, racked up a bunch of credit card..and education debt...and was going to fight to take his children away. He was devestated! His kids were devestated as well. He was left once again..after his life became chaos and pain..to pick up the pieces for himself..and now..3 little kids with no Mom. Yet again in his life..he had gotten sucker punched by the powers that be. But using his strength. heart and brains..that man..raised a young baby himself..full time..while he had 2 young children..who weren't his in his care as well. He still to this day..has her kids as his own. It has been 7 years now that she has been missing. This year the courts will declare her legally dead. She was his first love..the accident originally kept them apart, he got a second chance..only to have her break his heart..and his kids' hearts. She was the mother of his kids..and she abandoned them...and him. He was unable to walk..use the bathroom normally..or even stand..yet he placed his baby on his legs and wheeled her around the house to make her bottles and pack the older kids lunches for the day. He uses every last dollar of his insurance settlement check..to provide everything his kids could possibly want or need if he can afford it. He is Mom and Dad all in one. Just because you are unable to walk..doesn't make you inferior..it gives you the ability to be SUPERIOR!!! I have more respect and admiration for that man..than he may ever even realize!!! He is the ultimate example of not having to let your disability control your life or destroy it. You did nothing to cause your wife's infidelity..that had nothing to do with YOUR self worth!!! That had to do with her lack of morals, love or respect or willpower!!! Your legs...your back..your eyes..are not what the person who is RIGHT for you will notice..or be INTERESTED in because they know it's not what MATTERS..what matters is your heart. Besides..anybody who would judge, critisize or put you down you because of something you can not control..or change..is not worth a second look anyways! But if you do those things to yourself..as I do..are we really any better than they are in the end? We are still hurting someone..but instead of doing it to someone else..we view ourselves in this grim and harsh way!! Self inflicted pain in my eyes..is the worst kind of pain. Because no matter how much you try to avoid it..you can't stop it sometimes..it seeps in and poisons you almost. Please...as I am trying to do..stop poisoning yourself. You are decent, caring, intelligent, capable and loveable. Someday..whether it be sooner or later in life..you will have everything you deserve..if you keep in mind that you are 1) ALIVE and therefore able to try harder or one more time then you did the day before to get what you want..or where you want to go. 2) Your own worst critic. Over time you will blow even the most MINOR faults in your appearace/personality into full blown complexes. The more time you spend focusing on and judging things..the more warped, exaggerated and unfixable they will seem to you. <br />
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Lastly..good luck with your new friend..hopefully things work out great. All I suggest really is..before you go into a new relationship..maybe it would be a good idea to get some counselling. Broken Trust, Lies and Insecurities go hand in hand. And starting something new before you have worked through the issues your accident and your wife have caused...your new relationship will always have one thing against it..from the start. Don't let HER have that power over YOU and your new life. If you ever need to vent or talk..I am here..along with the rest of EP