Anger And Discontent

My last story left off where I had come out of a coma months earlier and was happy to be alive. Although I thought my head was straighter than it probably was at this time, I felt like life is moving forward. ...so I thought. I guess it is in some ways, but maybe it's just the patience I pray for not shining through. 6 moths ago I was saying, "why will no one hire me?! I'm dealing with incompetence every day and those knuckle-heads have jobs! They can barely string a sentence together and I'm the one unemployed"! So finally, I have an interview that couldn't go better, then several weeks and a couple of follow ups later, I have the job. Ok, the pay sucks (I think I can say that when it's paying half of what I used to make); we get very few holidays and very little vacation time, but hey, I'm working! It feels great but it's not enough. I want more. I think I have more to offer, but maybe I'm lying to myself and the world is leaving me behind.

Could it be the points of stress and frustration that's getting me down? I have to admit that the fact that I've been fighting for a drivers license for 22 months is pretty frustrating. Particularly when absolutely none of it is my fault and a big mistake. Well, I did get picked out of the crowd in a speed trap, but that is the only thing I'm guilty of (and that is even 18 months old). Nothing to show for my fight except a stack of receipts for thousands upon thousands of dollars. If I was in the U.S illegally and selling drugs, I'd probably be legal to drive. I never thought I could empathize with the guy naked on top of a water tower with an uzi. ...but I'm getting there. I’m not a violent person, but then people can only get pushed so far. At this point I’m driving illegally and I really don’t care. The legal system can go **** up a rope. They have ****** me and then ****** me again. I’m out over $10K because some dipshit couldn’t get better than a C in high school and is now some douche bag on a power trip. It started with the first fat *** in blue stopping me because my front tires were (at most 10”) in front of the while line at a stop light were I frequently see the rear tires of cars over it (with cops present). I should have ran; most cops can’t drive for **** (or shoot), and some in this area come to schools that I teach to learn (well, taught not that long ago anyway). Then to make matters worse I’m dealing with a crooked judge how is in hot water with the federal courts because he a ******* idoit who’s doing illegal **** while being a judge. And I’m the criminal?! **** them; I’m not putting my life on hold because there wasn’t enough room on the short bus so the got pick on by the big kids. Then of course the IRS wants to **** with me by flagging my return. My tax guy teaches tax law to the IRS for Christ sake. I'm not worried but that return I filed five moths ago would come in handy about now.

To make matters worse, now that my feet are feeling better, I am having hip problems in a big way. Constant pain that has me exhausted by the end of the day. I rested it but that didn't help so I though exercise would be my ticket. Nope. I bought a bicycle figuring it would be a good thing for me to take up, and it just got worse. I saw a doctor (chiropractor actually, but still a doc). She barred me from riding until I get an MRI done. I'm very happy with her, but the process of getting this approved with my insurance and just getting it done without getting referrals from six other doctors (each saying, "Pay me".) has bee a royal pain in my ***. I've got one scheduled for Monday, and am finally going to meet my attorney after that - haven't talked to him in three months. Of course I will be working all day prior to all of that late afternoon fun, but that's Ok. I don't mind busy days, and I feel like by that night I will have tossed another gorilla off the bridge.

I find it funny that now that all of my bitching is getting put on paper, it doesn't seem all that bad anymore. It is. I know I am over simplifying all this crap, but I guess I have to deal with it. For some reason I feel like giving up almost daily at one point or another. Maybe not daily, but often enough. The real world is just too much of a hassle. I live pretty much in a bubble and maybe that's the problem. I don't spend much time at the race track anymore. I don't have a car to drive on it anymore and I do miss that. But getting back in that game is financially impossible. Physically, I am not in good shape. I may be 6'1" 175 (depending on the convenience store I'm leaving), but I'm in pain and don't have the core strength I had before the coma. Right now I'm just in a lot of pain, but if I can get that fixed, I'm sure I will start doing something. I miss the car stuff way more than I should.

I think back, and two years ago I was unresponsive. My family was getting rid of my cars, my house, and the rest of my “stuff”. Stuff can be replaced, but somehow I got to be somewhat materialistic. I had it pretty good as a kid, with great older brothers and loving parents. I worked hard, but a lot was provided for me as well. My first car was junk that I had to somehow keep running. That taught me a lot and is probably what got me into cars to the point I am. My brothers also had some pretty cool rides, and I looked up to that …and them. I still wish my father would have listened to me back in the 70’s when I wanted us to get a computer. I would be doing far better today given that I work in computers but didn’t get my first one until the mid ‘90s. Anyway, I’ve come a long way since that hospital bed. I am supposed to be dead, yet here I am. …complaining. God forgive me for that!

I feel like I am missing out or spinning my wheels. I feel like I have so much more to offer and it’s just out of reach. I don’t know if it’s my million dollar idea, or pursuit of a new talent, but something is missing. Church would be a good start. I pray constantly but don’t make it to church on Sunday most of the time. I like computers, but I like to play around. Fixing them is Ok when I’m doing it for a friend, but the corporate world sucks ***. The rules and politics make me sick. I always liked field tech work, but it usually doesn’t pay too well.

That’s the other thing bringing me down. How does anyone afford to live these days. You have to make $40K+ to be able to afford to live in any decent neighborhood around here. Even then it’s tough. Forget vacations or driving anything new. God help you if you have any vices – no money to smoke or go out drinking on the weekend, not that I have the desire. I’m all for free market and the American dream, but the government has really screwed things up. Of course, historically a society such as ours has a lifespan of about 200 years so we’re pretty much over. Not to sound selfish, but since I don’t have kids I’m hoping it’ll hang on for another 50. …if my broken *** lives that long.

So is this what I’m reduced to on such a beautiful Saturday? At least I have a laptop to sit outside and type on. It’s just not enough. I can’t stand that I’m not the same guy I was. I had pocket money, I was physically able to do things, I didn’t have to go home alone, and I had a house to go home to. Things have changed and I have to find that happiness again. Everything seems to hinge on money and I’m not sure how to change that. Hopefully, when I can get back to the bike thing it will help. Then it becomes a time issue. Everyone wants to win the lottery, but I find myself daydreaming about at least one a week. Just to have $75K a year to live on and spend my time helping people would be so great. To have time for hobbies, and take more interest in other peoples lives would be great.

I try starting projects and get burnt on them before anything really takes off. Maybe finishing something other than painting a hallway would help. Maybe I should try to help out more with the car club like I used to. Maybe I should finish school. …in something. I have enough credits for a Masters degree without even having an Associates is not doing me any favors. I’m in my 40’s and feeling like a big loser, and this is where my attitude goes south. God help me before I end up with a houseful of cats.

This doesn’t make for much of a story, but I guess I needed to whine about things for a bit. I know I have it better than a lot of folks do, and I should appreciate that more. I just never thought I’d live a mediocre life. I look at life before I almost died as one and what I’m just beginning as my second life in a way. The first one was so much more exciting and fun. I loved living on the edge. Am I living that horrific “mid-life crisis” that I’ve heard about? I never bought into that, or depression, or any of these “conditions” that seem to be so popular as the years go by, and I don’t want to start.

I think I’ll get lost in a movie and avoid the pain for now.
fcms fcms
41-45, M
2 Responses May 12, 2012

You don't know it, but your story is inspiring to some... If you could write a blog on how you got out of a coma, and how it changed you, maybe just maybe it can bring some needed cash. I'm not an expert, but some folks make lots of money from blogs.

So much negativity, maybe you should focus on the positive for a change. You are alive and the rest will follow. Goodluck.