Not Like It Used To Be

I have been battling stomach cancer for several months. The amount of radiation and chemotherapy I had been going through ultimately broke my body down and I was declared dead. My family was called and informed I was dead. I had decreed that my body would be used for scientific research upon my death, so my family didn't think it was odd that they didn't have a body returned to them. 27 minutes later, my heart began beating and I was alive again, although I was comatose. The hospital says they notified my family, but they insist no one told them. For a month, I lay in the hospital alone, unconscious, while my family thought I was gone. Only by accident, when they received a bill for my room and services, did they find out I was still alive but comatose. I woke up a few weeks ago, and my life has not been the same since then. I cannot sleep, of fear that I will not wake up. I see things, apparitions, all the time. I hear sounds and voices that no one else does. I fear I am losing grip on reality. I have lost the person I was seeing, because his family felt this whole experience has been faked and told him that he couldn't see or talk to me anymore. I have contemplated suicide several times. I cannot talk, only write when I need to communicate. I wish I had never woken up.
trex1978 trex1978
36-40, M
4 Responses Jul 2, 2013

My favorite quote: "it's not what's been taken from you, but what you have left that's important." Turn your face to the future, and trust that in God you have a good life in front of you. May God be with you...

While I was in a coma I remember dreaming that I was very deep under water swimming to the surface level by level my family says I would wake up claiming to be in a real life version of planet of the apes. And also seeing people in my room who weren't there. I also insisted that I had met jesus

You probably did meet Jesus. My brother was a flaming atheist when he had a serious accident, was in a coma for 13 weeks. He came out of the coma a Christian! If asked if he needed help, he'd say, "No, Jesus is helping me." The Lord remained with him throughout his life. I miss him very much. He passed a little over a year ago, after spending 39 years severely handicapped. He did not complain. He only said, "If I'd died, I'd be burning in hell right now."

You're alive for a reason! People love and care about you! Trust me it will get better just hang in there and be strong!

Please read on consciousness and ego. Ego is said to be the physical self. What you experienced in a coma is what I would call consciousness de attached from ego (physical) self. There is a lot of resources out there I'm only 19 years old. Once you wrap your head around the concepts you will start taking control of your life again, you will realise that. Having a small consciousness from lack of knowledge lead you to feel confused. Educate yourself. Reevaluate your life process and keep moving forward. The mind is beautiful don't be scared or feel alone because of this. I've come to these realisations from thinking a lot. And it had not served any real purpose to me (yet) maybe to you it can help you understand that maybe you are made to be something great. Stop focusing on the ego driven materialistic things in life that make you insecure and start living life on your own terms. This knowledge is the exact same thing people use to become what they want to be in life (strong minded people)