Blimey, hard writing this down. January 2012 i left to go to work. Cold wet and windy winters morning. I remember driving down the road, then turning left at the traffic lights. The next 2 1/2 hours are completely blank. Apart from a brief flashback for a few seconds ( after seeing an accident on tv) this is all i have. Most of the rest has been through the police. On a small stretch of road after I left my hometown my, car collided with a cyclist. The next thing I knew, I woke in a field some 15 miles away, I had slit my wrists several times. Besides me two cans of coke , one diet one ordinary. Also a box of matches and 10 embassy no1. ( haven't smoked these in 20 years. Managed to eventually find the car, then drove around till I found out where I was. As this was near to work I went there. An ambulance was then called. At hospital the police came to see me and explained that my car had been involved in an accident. Next day the police called to say the man had died. 2 1/2 years later i still have no answers to which I can accept. My wife and friends have been great and very supportive. After long periods off work with stress, I have now changed jobs and work in the charity sector. I am halfway through a driving ban, but have no want to drive. I have had some counselling and stress management courses. But no matter what I do it never leaves me. At times it is so overwhelming i no longer want to be here. My problem is how can i end my life when I have a wife and two children . I can't go down the town without thinking people are staring at me. When with friends i feel guilty if I laugh. My life is guilt. I want no judgment, i do that for myself. I certainly want no pity. I put this on here as there is many people who share the same life as me. You are not alone, the only people who know how you feel are those who share the same experience
hovisandhispad hovisandhispad
51-55, M
3 Responses Aug 24, 2014

Hi...I'm new to this but reading your story I wanted to comment. I understand so much the guilt you feel. When I was 19 yrs old which was 1982, I was visiting my father in Florida. Long story but short of it I adored my dad. My parents divorced when I was young. Didn't see him very often. I was excited to get to know him as a young adult. Two days before I was to leave my dad and I were on a road called "alligator alley" runs through the Everglades. I hit a rain storm and the pickup truck I was driving fished tailed when I hit brakes. Hit car head on and my dad and I were thrown from vehicle. Woke up next to my dad dead....laid there for over a hour before help came. I miss him so much and the guilt I feel has consumed my life. It's a struggle everyday even though it was so long ago. I'm praying for you and I'm here if you ever need to talk.

I wish I had answers I was on the other end of a crash where my boyfriend took a curve too fast hit the guardrail and crashed I was thrown into a ditch the first responders pronounced me dead at the scene lucky the second group of responders were able to revive me - do you know my boyfriend has not spoken to me or looked at me ever since I often wonder about that why and what made him like that - thank you for your story I think I may understand a little better now it seems you have a heart and emotions all which are good things - from my little pea brain focus on those trying to help you learn from your experience and know you have helped at least one person by telling your story thank you again Suri

What I wouldn't give for that chance, thank you so much for that reply. It's a shame he cant try to face you

Thank you again please know I think you are a great person for standing up and telling your story

I was involved in a somewhat similar situation and I am still struggling berry much! If there is a way to talk please let me know. I have tried counseling and my family and friends trt to be supportive but no one truly understands how I feel, it'd be nice to talk to others who do understand.

Feeling guilty means you are a good man. Try helping others it will make you feel better