I Was Sexually And Mentally Abused By An Ex When I Was A Teen.

(I already posted this as a confession. But I wanted to post this as a story in their group and see if anyone else could help. Maybe you have been through it or something like this. Maybe you're going through it now. I just need to let it out.)

When I was 15 I met a boy who went by the name of Crow. He was 18 and sexy. He was thin with shaggy brown jaw length hair, depart blue eyes, and tattoos. He looks like Bam Marjera(sp?) and Jim Bruer had a sexy baby. I was head over hills for him, he had sex with a friend if mine and I thought I had no chance because she was better looking. We talked and he admitted to liking me more. We started dating and all was well. The. We had sex. It was great until he got rough. He wanted to explore things. It started out with soakings and light biting. Then the biting for harder and he wanted to draw blood. I had to hide bruises and scars. He would pin me down and hold me there.
Then he started to insult me. He would be cruel for no reason. Angry even. He would hit on my friends and others. He found out that I was bisexual and begged me to bring another girl in. I said no and he got angry. He would threaten to to sleep with who ever he wanted and hope to get a disease to give to me. I broke weak and got girls for him. He made me watch not join. I had to sit in a chair and watch him haves sex with them. I had family issues as well as out relationship's issues. I began to self harm. I cut and tried to overdose many times.
He didn't care. The first girl made him stop during foreplay because she had to home. The other girl he did it with her multiple times and even tried to date her too. I would cry to myself and cut.
He started to be more rough with me. Restraints and chains as even extension cords were used. I just wanted to please him. I would have done anything to keep him. I was ugly and fat and useless after all. No one liked me let alone wanted to be with me sexually. I was desperate and lonely. Plus he wasn't always bad. Sometimes he was sweet. He was the best looking guy I had ever seen and people were envious of me. I loved the boost of confidence it gave me until he knocked me down with insults and pain. I got really bad with the self harm. I even tried to shoot myself in front of him after a night of sex and fighting. I admitted myself into the psych ward and while I was there he had found a replacement. A fatter and older version of me, she even had the same name.
We continued to date and I didn't know about the other me. One of the last times that we had sex before we split was the worst. He had chained my arms behind my back and hoped them too a chain around my waist. My legs were chained to each side of the bed and I was positioned in doggy style. I was competent helpless. Extension cord was put in my mouth and sound my neck and body. He had a handle out of cord that he used to control me and choke me while he had his way with me. He was rougher than usual. I screamed and begged as he choked and shove me into the pillows. When he was finished he in hooked me and shoved me aside so that he could pass out. I laid there crying myself to sleep nude and still wrapped in chains and cord. When I woke up he was still sleep. I got free and went and cut. He left and I found out that he was going to see the other me. I took a half a bottle of aspirin and he came to get his stuff and made me feel like ****. He yelled at me telling me to take more pills. He told me to make sure that the gun wasn't jammed next one. He left.
I cried so hard: I broke down. I was nothing. He moved away after the clone of me cheated on him. I found love in my husband but was very messed up. I didn't trust him. I was cruel and cold. I still cower and break down when we argue.
A year or so later I was in Walmart feeling better. Then I saw him. I froze and couldn't stop shaking. I was terrified. He walked right past me and even looked me dead in the eyes. I broke down and began to cry and hyperventilate. I just wanted to collapse and rock myself to sanity. I could speak to tell my husband, then boyfriend, what was wrong. I had to leave the store right then. When I was away from him I finally told my husband what was wrong. He wanted to kill him and I wanted to just go cut and be alone in a room. I have seen him many ones since and every time I panic and get terrified. I hate him: I hate myself for allowing him to do that to me. I hate him for having this power over me. I hate how I was towards my husband and family afterwards. I never felt so terrified and empty than when I was with him. It haunts me even now. And it's been over 9 years since we dated. I wonder if the feeling will ever go away. If this ghost will stop haunting me.
JessRuthless JessRuthless
26-30, F
2 Responses Nov 26, 2012

This man was a sadist.

Your behaviour with him was a masochist. And of a codependent.

The more pain you took, the more power he got.

He would have killed you in time.

His behaviour with other women will continue this cycle. He will seek out needy women again and again . Some might say he is a mysoginist ( spelling here is wrong ).

Do you suggestions on what to do now ?

That explains the cutting; you're getting rid of panic attacks.

That's not the only reason. My mother plays a big part as well as bullying.

Currently? or flashbacks?
...I was just reading a thread tonight... how is it our parents get to F us up for a good portion of our adulthood, but the ability to sue for damages ends at 21 in most of the US? Anyway, I have to wash cologne out of my nose o.O and go to bed, you take care.

Flashbacks mostly. I haven't come to terms with my mothers drug and alcohol abuse and death from it. I also haven't dealt with the abuse and neglect from her and my father's irrational immature ******* responses to life. And the bullying has kept me low all of my life.

And do wash the cologne out of your nose. How the hell did that happen? And good night new friend.