I'm In An Emotionally Abusive Relationship, And I Want To Get Out. But How?My story is long, and I don't even feel like I have the wherewithall to type it all out here. But I will sum it up and see if anyone can relate, or even try to help me as I gather the courage to do what I know I need to do.
I'm 34, and I don't know if anyone has ever truly loved me. I can honestly say that every single person I have loved, trusted, and depended on has left me flat on my face. This includes friends, lovers, family members, everyone. I lost my mom to cancer when I was 18, and I am estranged from all my family members except my father's second wife (he's on wife 4), who has known me since I was a toddler. So maybe it stands to reason that I hold on to my relationships, even if they're awful, for dear life! I just don't want to be left alone.
This particular relationship I am in is costing me the most dearly of any one that I have been in. I met her (I am gay) only 2 months after my partner of 8 years left me for another woman--in bankruptcy and total and complete emotional devastation. I lost my home and everything that I ever worked for, in addition to the life and family that I had built for my entire adult life. I was weak at that time, so needing someone or something to make me feel like I was alive. She fit that bill, at first. Suddenly I had a social life, friends! I had things to look forward to! I was so happy, and knew that I was on the right path. But, 3 months into the relationship, she cheated on me. With her ex. I spent 3 days in bed, and on the third day she came and took me to dinner. I forgave her, even though I didn't want to. I just didn't want to be left alone.
Then the emotional abuse started in earnest, and has grown in depth and severity ever since. This person has shown me and told me in so many ways that she doesn't love me, doesn't accept me, doesn't support me, doesn't want me. She has done so many things to hurt me and never apologized or even talked about them with me--she denies that it happens and tells me that I am "just too sensitive" or that I "make her do it." And somewhere in my crazy brain I believe it! And so I keep turning the other cheek over and over and over again. I just don't know how to be the one to stop it, especially during the good times. It's like I have Stockholm syndrom or something--I love my attacker and make excuses for her behavior. She came from a bad family, she had an abusive father...blah blah blah. But I know that there is no excuse for hurting another person so.
So many outrageous things have happened, and I lean heavily on my friends to help me get through it each time. But now, most of my friends are tired of seeing me go through the endless cycle and have withdrawn from me. No one wants to hear it anymore. And you know, I can't blame them at all! I know there is something wrong with me, for not walking away from this relationship. But still, I cannot find it in me yet to tell my partner that I want to end our relationship, that she must leave and that I don't want to be with her anymore. Crazily, I actually am AFRAID OF HURTING HER. But this relationship has made me lose everything...my friends, my creativity, my individuality, my very SELF. So why can't I end this thing?
I am in therapy, and my therapist tells me that it is all in my own time. I am starting to think that I will be stuck forever here, in this grey fog. I just don't want to be left alone, yet I am more alone now than ever.
I am not this person! I am a happy, joyful, FUN person! I am educated, I am smart! Why is it so difficult??