Need Some Feedback On My Abusive Relationship

I have been with this man for about 1.5 years.  during this time, he has abused me and controlled me severely.  everytime i try to leave him he says he will kill himself and says he will will go to therapy and take his meds as he should.  but everytime i come back, he quits the therapy, or has an excuse for not going.  he has choked me til i have passed out.  he has put a lit cig out in my mouth, pulled me around by my hair, kicked and hit me and thrown me downstairs.  he recently about 6 weeks ago has bashed my head in and choked me again and i had to have stitches in my head.  he has a domestic abuse order now that states he cannot even yell at me or he can go to jail, but a piece of paper is not gonna control his anger for long and i know that.  we lived in nz and being an american citizen, i was not able to legally work there, so he controlled all the money, cars, phones....everything.  he has kicked me out of the house knowing i knew no one or had no place to go, he has taken all money away from me and taken my phone and my car.  everything has been in his name because like i said, i am american.  now we live in australia, and the same situation.  we are married now, but nothing has changed with the money situation and although he has not abused me physically, i am just waiting.  he has also left me serveral times when we have been out, once while we were 8 hours from home.  i refused to ride in the car with him because he was drunk so he left me and went home, 8 hours from where he left me.  he is extremely jealous and insecure, and he is 52yrs old.  i just still cant get my head around that.  he is so jealous, he broke down a neighbors door because he thought i was in his house having sex with him...i wasnt even in his house and never had been.  i, of course, do not feel like being intimate with him because i am so hurt by him.  but he seems to always act like im the bad one.  saying im never gonna let him live it down...i try to explain to him that its not just one time...its all of it put together.  i cant trust him and i tell him that.  but he acts like im the bad guy.  i have tried and tried and tried to make this relationship work, but i feel it is just time to end it and move on.  go back to america and try to rebuild my life there.  is there anyone out there that has some good advice?
aprilu aprilu
5 Responses May 7, 2012

Hi everyone....I just wanted to let you all know that I made it to America and I am staying with my mom. Thank you all for your support!

Hi...I think I know how you feel! Because you stay, you must love him very much! I have been dating someone for a year and i am so in love with him but he was very verbally and emotionally well as physically abusive. I kept going back! I even dropped a restraining order and criminal charges against him. I see now that it was a big mistake. I just broke it off with him one week ago. I am locking my doors and windows and I am afraid for my life but I feel empowered that I left. And yes, I feel lonely without him. I miss him immensley. I made sure everyone knew recently that I was abused as a deterrence not to go back. So now I do not go anywhere, including to bed without my phone. I keep wanting to call him up and get back with him but everytime I feel like I want him back I read stories like yours and remember that I am alive....and I am free to be me! You are too. You need to think about your life! You will find love again but with someone who shows you respect and lhonesty. I have been abused my whole life and have spent the past few years doing theapy. I am smart and pretty but my self esteem is or rather was, non existant. I know now that I am important! You are too! Don't ever forget that....he wants you to forget that so you stay with him! Find strength where you need to find it....cry if you need to cry but leave...carefully...with a plan! I wish you great strength! The sun will shine on you again....

BTW...the phone is to call 911...not to call him!

Sister, get away from this monster immediately if not sooner. Plug yourself into therapy, antidepressants. This man has your mind for far too long.

my sister is a womans advocate and she says i have battered womens syndrome or something like that...

Yes, there are plenty of us out here who will give you good advice, but you already know, DUMP THAT JERK!! I'm just recently out of a 4+ yr relationship, that was also abusive. Not as severe as yours but you already know you need to get away from this guy. Of course you don't want sex with him, I know just how you feel. He is always going to try and make you feel like the bad guy, what else can he do? Look at himself? Take responsibility for anything? I doubt it! Please move on, you still have some life left to enjoy, but you won't if you stay with this abuser. Please, do yourself a favor!

I am ready to leave and i do have a plan. i have a ticket back to the usa may 23rd and i have not told him that i am going back and i dont exactly know how to tell him either. i cant tell him the truth or he will do everything he can to stop me. i am going to tell him that i miss my kids and my visa isnt approved anyway so i have to go back and i already have a paid ticket so i dont want to waste it. he tells me if i go back we are over and that is fine with me, but he says that everytime and everytime he tells me he will kill himself if i dont come back and makes me feel sorry for him. i am just too scared and dont believe he will change anymore and i want to end this for good. i have never in my life been treated like this and dont know why i have allowed it this long. i have always felt to independant and strong, but i guess i felt powerless being in a foreign country. he has also allowed his children to verbally abuse me, threatening to have me killed and his ex wife has verbally abused me. his ex also told me tho that he broke her arm. they were married for 28 years. yes, i know i need to leave, and yes,it is that hardest thing i will ever do in my life. but i also think if i can get out of his grip and not have any contact with him, i will be able to move on again. i dont want a relationship with anyone else, which he also accuses me of all the time if i say im not happy and dont want to be in this anymore. actually the last thing i want is to be in another relationship. i just really really need some support and to know that i am not crazy. i live in fear of what is going to set him off next. i am scared that he may actually kill me sometime.

thank you for your feedback ladyhawke68...sometimes i feel so alone...i have actually contimplated suicide because i have felt that is the only way to be free of him. i know that is not the answer and i need to stand up for myself and take care of me and that is what i am trying to do...its just so damn hard...especially when you love someone...and we really did have a fairytale doesnt seem real that he could be that man i fell in love with and the man that he is now

I know how you feel, I allowed the guy I was with for the last 4+ yrs to keep me terrified. I was always thinking, hes coming, he's coming. I always answered to him, did what he wanted and was completely miserable. All that suicide talk if you leave is classic text book red flag of a controlling abuser. GET AWAY FROM HIM! If you get back to the states and he starts that 'Im gonna kill myself' non-sense, tell him to do the world a favor. I've used that same statement, 'No one has ever treated me this way, or talked to me this way'. You need to keep yourself safe first, but you HAVE TO get away from this guy. 4get the 'love' notion for now, some people you have to love from a distance. Please keep yourself safe, but PLEASE BE ON THAT PLANE ON THE 23rd, I'll be praying for you. Keep in touch, if you need to talk or someone to listen, I'm here! Good luck, stay safe, be blessed!

Honestly, I wouldn't tell him anything. Violence tends to escalate during a separation so I would just quietly leave! This is of course only my opinion but I think your life might be in danger if you tell him you are leaving! Please be fact..if you a womans shelter and they can advise you on a course of action. Stay strong!

thank you "findingmysmile". it is always good to get support. i am leaving him. i have a plan and immigration and the american embassy are both helping me with it. i have done the same as you, left and gone back several times, but this time is different. i am leaving and never looking back. I have tons of support from family and friends now and from ppl on this site. thank you all so much. i am leaving the 23rd if all goes as planned. as soon as i get home to south dakota, i will post a message on here.

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