Deliberate Emotional Neglect

I have been in an intense relationship with J for almost 1 year - I am 21 and he is 26 - since the very beginning, we were so obsessed with each other that we spent every day (i would say 7 days/week, every night, sometimes just 1 night off per week but basically with him 24/7) together. I am a college student, sharing the apartment  my parents bought for me and my 19 yr old brother and we both go to a prestigious university. My boyfriend is still living with his mom, has never finished college, and never makes money at his job (that his uncle so generously kept for him even though he never shows up!) because he says that it's a "privilege" that he's spending all of his time with me, that I should give him something back for his "sacrifice". 
I'll admit that we are both very hedonistic and prefer to smoke weed, have sex many times a day, and play music rather than tend to the "real world" and our responsibilities. 

So, what is the problem? Believe me, I've defended him as hard and long as I could even though my friends and family all tell me: "ditch this guy, right NOW, he's no good and you deserve so much more." I wish it were that simple: you can't help who you fall in love with, right? I met him during a very unstable stage of my life and felt that he had 'rescued me': I used to be depressed and lonely, binge drinking by myself, and promiscuous from feeling completely empty and isolated. I am no longer that person and I am grateful every day that I could change.

But back to the point, I may have felt that he was my "savior" so to speak, out of timing and circumstances. I became better with his company obviously because at least I wasn't alone! He is good person but sadly, it seems that he lost respect and trust for me at the very beginning of our times hanging out. I was still in a relationship that had lasted almost 2 years, but I was losing interest and broke it off with the other guy because I was falling in love with J. I wasn't even considered J's girlfriend when I hung out and slept with my ex-boyfriend of 2 years for the last time. When J found out, it was a terrible mess and became extremely aggressive even though he knew the circumstances and that I had left that guy for HIM, and now it was finished. He couldn't understand and let go of my past.

It has been almost 1 year since the incident, and since then have shown him devotion, compassion, trust, caring, to build our relationship and be strong together. The sad part comes now = he gets angry at any small detail, any thing he doesn't like, becomes jealous after spying on my computer's "history" tab, that i was talking to someone he didn't like. Before my parents bought the apartment, i was living with 2 girls, and J came over all the time; we stayed in my room but we would start to fight almost every week, for some stupid reason-that he was jealous, suspicious, that he didn't like something I said, that I was too dependent, and one night one of my roommates called the cops because not only were they both DISGUSTED by this guy, but they thought that he might start to physically abuse me on top of the verbal manipulation and degradation (calling me a *****, a huge *****, selfish for not making him happy). The cops took him in the car to interrogate him and obviously let him out 5 minutes later, while I waited for him with a concerned face in my pyjamas on the sidewalk of my building. 

The most incredible reaction ensued: no emotional support or stability from the disturbing experience that we both had to endure. Instead he walked out on me, didn't answer my calls for 2 days, told me that I was a *****, a weak girl, that I couldn't stand up for him (what was i supposed to do, go and punch a cop?), and that he was gonna go with his MOM (26 yr old guy, remember that detail?) to pick up his things from my apartment and get this last part: file a lawsuit against my roommate. You get the drift. I am crying and devastated, and this is not the first time this sort of thing has happened. Oh no, much worse believe me:
On Valentine's Day, he takes me out and we get pretty drunk, i start to say stupid things about my past because i'm too drunk, and pass out. The next morning I wake up on the floor, and find an A4 paper on my belly saying "W.H.O.R.E. , have fun ;)" and wrote "THANK YOU" with a permanent marker on my ***. I missed my midterm exam for my university, could not complete the errands and tasks that I needed to handle, and was sick from depression for a couple of days. I told him "help, im sick and i am missing my school can't you support me right now? this is not a good time to do this" and answers nonchalantly, "thats your problem not mine, you ******* get it?" I wasn't able to finish a final paper on time either and my GPA has dropped consistently, because of his emotional neglect during specific moments when I needed stability and peace.

After my birthday party - for which I prepared and paid everything - I was so far behind on schoolwork that I was catching up at midnight with some assignments, when I received an angered call from a girl at my party who had had her new phone stolen. She claimed that I had stolen the phone - or J, obviously, and that I was an accomplice, and that she was coming over with two cops. I called J and he expressed immense surprise and said he was coming down soon. The girl was accompanied by my friend at the time, whom I lost right after the incident. It was devastating for me, to see policemen and two people I knew openly accusing J of theft and overall dishonesty. I cried and started to believe that it was true. Long story short, after interrogating him, he stayed the night at my place and the girl found her phone in a remote area, convincing me that people at the party were setting him up. I lost many friends as did he, but my perception changed about him; why did no one like this guy at all? He manipulated me into thinking that that particular circle of friends were "messed up" and that THEY had a problem. This no longer works for me...

9 months since i had the "breakup sex" with my gentleman ex boyfriend, and J is still bringing it up any time he feels slightly annoyed with me, and creates an explosive fight. For instance, if I leave my Skype open because I fell asleep without closing my laptop, he gets so angry when he calls and I don't answer, and the next time we talk it's "**** U, you didn't answer my Skype calls, i don't care if you were sleeping you ruined my afternoon" and then hangs up and I don't see him for a while. 
He still calls me a *****, a huge *****, hangs up on me when I really need him to talk to, when I need mental support. When he wants to talk, I am ALWAYS there ready for him. He calls me his princess but he has not helped me to be a stronger person, in fact I used to be much more independent, with higher self-esteem. Now I feel as fragile as brittle crystal, and every time he hurts me verbally i feel like i'm about to fall off the countertop. He has made me actually believe that it was my fault, that MY FLAWS, were ruining our communication and a possibility of a healthy relationship. I cry all of the time when we talk on webcam while I'm abroad visiting my family during the holidays: if I look worried he says I'm too dependent on him and must be "jealous", and if I look relaxed, optimistic and at peace with myself, he suspects that i've been having sex with someone else because apparently "thats the only way you can be chilled out", that "i need him, I'm in love with his ****" and the worst one for me; "you need to fix your personality."

He's not happy about my weight loss - I am a slim girl, but I have lost about 10 pounds in the last few months- the continuous low-level stress that I endure because of him, has suppressed my appetite to the point that even when I feel hungry, I take a few bites and feel like puking. He gets so mad at me when I don't eat the food he cooks - its insane how many things I can point out about this ******* now that I am evaluating everything. Imagine that a 21 year old girl is financially supporting a 26 year old guy still living with his mom but too lazy to work and offer things for his girlfriend. He says that he can't because it's my fault, because "he's spending all of his time with me, and ******* me every day at least twice!" and that my parents are "rich so it doesn't matter if he owes me money". I asked him to buy me a ticket for a music festival in June that we were both planning on going to - 180 dollars. Big deal to give your girlfriend something one in a while? Not just a dinner on Valentine's and a birthday? He told me to **** off and that I was too materialistic to ask him to buy me the ticket. My other boyfriends were such gentlemen... what is wrong with me to be with such a jerk. Oh, and the thing about sex is even funnier. He makes it sound, tries to make me THINK that I'm getting a GIFT from him, that he's having sex with me all the time, that I should be THANKING him. But the question is: who is the beautiful 21 year old girl with a good-looking future and education, and who is the 26 year old selfish loser still living with his mama. 

I have come to realize that it is not his fault, I can not change him. I told him all of this yesterday, and it was the usual abuser's gimmick "ok ok i'm sorry, can we stop talking about this now?" When I told him that "no matter how angry you may get, or lose your temper, it never means that it's okay to write on my body and degrade me" and he replied with "come on, you see how hard you are sometimes?" He still won't listen to me, the narcissistic pig. But he agreed that he wants our relationship to work and that when i go back from holiday we should see a counselor to fix the problems. Of course I agreed; like i said, you can't help who you fall in love with.

... sad, isn't it? :'(

meganc88 meganc88
May 12, 2012