I Left Him And I Am Broken And Falling Apart.

I have been married for 3 years and 4 month to an abusive and controlling man. His ways were so subtle and precise and I was so young, naive and vulnerable that it took me so long to figure his abusiveness out.

I left him before 2 years ago and came back, because I was miserable without him, i thought because I loved him and he loved me and we were miserable separate. But I had no idea, that the real reason of my misery and confusion on my own was his constant manipulation.
We were talking on the phone all the time during time apart, we met twice or more a day and I spent some night over at his place.

I had no idea, when I went back that after the charming and promising period the abuse will only get worse.

I was not allowed to watch the only show I ever watched in our apartment, because he didn't like it. Later I wasn't allowed to watch tv all together even if I was alone at home and he was at work. He would unplug the main cable and hide it.
When he realized I found the cable, he cut it in half.

He had thrown away the food of the balcony because he thought it was too late for me to eat or he thought the food wasn't good for me. But he supported and sometimes encouraged me to drink beer first thing in the morning.
Sometimes I ate in the restroom when he was busy on the computer...can you believe that?!

All the bills were on my name. We went to the dentist and while I was in the chair getting my tooth fixed, he gave them my information and had new teeth installed for himself using my credit without my permission!

Sex was on of the worst parts lately. Few times I felt so sick to my stomach after it I almost threw up in a shower.

He could tell me in a jocking way to bend over for a "quicky" for him, so he doesn't have to lust after women on the streets.

I left him yesterday and I do feel miserable, I try to stay strong and pretend like I am fine for the people around and they think it's not a big deal, because even if I wanted I could not explain what kind of impact this kind of relationship had on me.

I feel like people on the streets can read on my forehead "miserable and vulnerable, ready for more abuse", I am scared of everybody and everything because I used to think he was there to protect me (he wasn't but I thought so).
I sort of feel naked.

I am scared to even look or speak to other men, and I know I look awkward because people around can see that my behaviour is not quite right. I feel like all man are like him. And I am afraid if they find out I am still officially married they will count me as a hore.

I don't even know if I should wear my rings. I feel like no respect for myself without the rings, in the happy days I was proud to be a married woman. Now I am a "divorced" one.

I don't know where to seek help and how to shorten this time of recovery.

I miss him, I want him to call me, but when he does, I don't want to talk to him, because every conversation undo a little bit of my progress and makes me feel like I have just made few steps back toward him.
Nnichos Nnichos
26-30, F
4 Responses Sep 10, 2012

I am really sorry for the things you had to go through.And from reading your story i can tell you that the one who had issues was him and you ended up being on the recieving end of his projections.Right now its understandable that you are feeling these things and its part of the healing process.Don't blame yourself and don't try to contact him because this isn't what love is and you deserve a whole lot more.Take time and mend yourself,allow yourself to feel the pain as you process everything and realize the way you view yourself right now is a slanted perception brought about by the way he treated you.In time,you will be okay and you will look back at this as a strengthening experience.Life is too short and there is so much out there for you.I wish you all the best.

Being here and expressing your thoughts are a great way to begin because admitting and acknowledging how you were treated is huge. You are going to feel all of things you are feeling because you have been abused and you are not whole yet. It's like every one of his offenses has taken a chunk out of you, the more you endure, the less whole you become. You have got to begin to 'fill' yourself back up through recovery and maintaining distance from him. Do not worry about what anything anyone has to say about what you have suffered through, many people are still very ignorant to the reality that a person can be abused and there isn't any physical abuse. To many, there is only one kind of abuse and that is physical, anything else they think you just up and leave if you don't like it, but we know it is not that simple.

You will feel like calling him or wanting to see him because at this point he is all that you have known and he made sure it was that way, for this very reason. If you even get the idea in your head to leave, well who are you going to go to, because he alienated and isolated you from everyone, that is their goal to make you emotionally dependent on them. It is mental conditioning at its best. Please seek out professional help but also make it your business to reach out to those you had to lose touch with because of him, reach out to them. Build yourself an army of love and support because you certainly weren't getting that from him. If you do not have children with him, be thankful and appreciate that you are freer than most, now you must find it within yourself to be completely free of him but that may take time and that's ok. Rediscover what brought you joy and happiness before you met him. If you want to watch that one show all day long, do it. Take walks, take pictures, work out, primp in the mirror, do things that are all about you and loving yourself. Just whatever you do, learn to take the focus off of him and that abusive relationship you were in, start giving something back to yourself. Whatever you do, make sure to see him for who he really is, not who you wish him to be, and don't reminisce about the fake him you remember him being when you first met him because by doing this, it only undermines your ability to break free and move on. Good luck and just know that you can do it. I tell every woman going through this to research everything they can about narcissitic personality disorder and trust me, once you know more about who you are dealing with, you will be even better equipped to stay away.

Hi....I was with somone for 2 years who was no good for me ...very controlling and he totally isolated me from all my friends and family...i finally had the courage to leave one day last year after he broke my cheekbone and damaged my eye socket......Yes I still miss him and I loved him but i know this is better for me bein away from him.....Its hard i know.....if you ever need to talk frrl free to message me......

I sincerely hope and pray that you do NOT call him. You need to get some help and support from those who have knowledge and ways to help you. Please look into a support group for abused women or domestic violence survivors. You have to break this cycle, and you need help to do it. I'll be praying for you!