My Emotionally Abusive Relationship And My Subsequent Actions

I was involved in an on/off relationship for 3.5 years. I loved this woman with the whole of my heart and lost myself in the process.

In the beginning she was giving, attentive and seemed perfect. However, the push/pull red flags were always there, I just ignored them.

When she knew I was hers that is when the issues started. I could not express my feelings if she had done something to upset me without being dumped. This would continue throughout our relationship which would end up being approximately 60+ break ups in 3.5 years.

During this time I did everything that I could possibly do in the relationship, help her in her house, support her in her job and emotionally, always be there.

In return, she would very rarely come to my house, when I started to suffer from depression she dumped me, any issues at work, she dumped me. We would get back together and she would express deep love for me until I had a need or sought to discuss the issues in our relationship.

Things went well with no arguments when I would not express any issues however, this was still tension filled as she would become aloof and cold. If something great happened in my life, it was overshadowed by an argument and another dumping.

I can't count how many shows and events I missed out on because of these dumpings.

A friend had told me that she was on a dating site during one of our break ups. I had never imagined in my wildest dreams that she would ever do that. At that point, something in me changed. I am very ashamed to say that I began hacking her email several times a day for the last few months to find out what was going on and how she could idealise me and then devalue me within minutes.

I had truly become an anxious, obsessed, depressed mess.

Our last argument was terrible, her rages became worse and worse. I thought she was going to kill me when she screamed in my face over and over how much she hated me. Following this, the blame was put on me and the silent treatment was used as it had been throughout our relationship.

We broke up permanently and haven't spoken for a month.

During this time I still went into her emails until she eventually found out. Since then I feel terrible shame, guilt and remorse and I am punishing myself where she left off.

One of her friends has deleted me off Facebook and the rest have hidden their posts from me.

I looked at myself in the mirror and didn't like who I had become. All that I gave, all the love and support that I poured into the relationship, overshadowed by this. I looked and saw a shell of the attractive, self confident person that I used to be.

People now only see me as the crazy stalker and have no idea the other side of the story. I am broken, confused and very sad.
rushtide rushtide
36-40
1 Response Sep 19, 2012

Try to just let it go and move on. I'm sure we all have done some less than sane things in past relationships. I remember beating my 'boyfriend' with my purse on a dance floor when I walked in and saw him grinding all over some blonde after we had fought. Try just putting the whole thing in the past, take responsibility for where you may have done some things you shouldn't have, and move on to look for someone who isn't so all or nothing. Good luck!