My Emotionally Abusive Ex Still Effects Me Years Later..

The reason i am writing this is for 2 reasons. 1. I still havn't fully accepted that this was an abusive relationship and I want opinions from those who may have experienced similar to my story and 2. Maybe I can show people the earlysigns to look out for in a relationship so they can see the signs and get out quickly. I can guarantee everyone as much as you think you may not find better, You truly can, I did.

Well to begin, I'm 25. I was only 19 when I started seeing Tim. I had just come out of an intense year and a half "first love" relationship and was devastated as I hadn't seen it coming, so needless to say I was down in the dumps. I had been with this guy a while and although we were close I was still a virgin with no wish to change that. I had always seen myself as a wait for marriage type of girl.
So I had known of Tim through a friend for a couple of years when i was in school but i was always younger than him so he was always just tim to me. One day about 2 months after my breakup, tim asked me to the cinema.. it all started from there. We seemed matched, i was a bit of a joker and so was he although i didnt see him romantically due to the age gap. I always wish i had seen the early warning signs. That night of the cinema he asked would i go back to his. He made it seem innocent and he was friends with my friends and had known him through them so i agreed. My mother was weary but i assured her i was ok. Myself and my mother have always been open with each other about these things. She trusted me so i went. He gave me the impression that I would have the single bed in the spare room however when bed time came he brought me to his room. I never know why I didn't push to go to the other room but i didn't, he was sweet and charming. I was always the girl who didn't have boyfriends or kiss guys casuallyso it was also unusual that he was 8 years older than me and I started up a relationship with an older guy. He was manipulative i came to learn so maybe this was the reason i went along with so many things. That night he rubbed my arm and acted romantic and we even kissed earlier that day. i was uncomfortable and didn't say anything, im not even sure that i had even been able to register in my brain that i was uncomfortable, it just felt like he was already acting like we were dting for a while already. He had more experience than me. I guess i was chuffed that a guy was showing me attention when my ex had just pushed me away with no explanation. We started hanging out. At one stage early on he pulled the car over down the road from my home and started kissing me, he always started it at this stage. It was unusual for me to do this in a car. It felt odd and i told him i wasnt sure if i was really ready for a relationship. After all, he had met my ex before when we were together and he was with another girl so he knew where i was in my head. he tried to convince me we would work and he even went as far as leaving a rose on my doorstep one day to woo me. I thought it was very romantic so he began to win me over. All the little warning signs werent as obvious to me at this stage. It wasn't long after that we began to see that our different religious were causing a bit of complication in our new relationship. We both doubted at this stage i think. God knows why i didn't run then! At about 2 months we decided we would have a breather from one another but we were technically still going out, we still saw each other. Thats when i found out he had been texting my best friend. He had even visited her after he dropped me home one day. He claimed they had kisssed and she claimed they hadnt . To this day I don't know what happened. All i know is he also did the rose thing for her too. Me and this friend havn't been the same since. I always worried they had done more than kissing and he lied about it. He claimed that he had only had sex twice with the same girl in his life but looking back, i dont believe him. This was one of the reasons i thought i liked him in the beginning, we were both christian and i believed we had similar views when it came to sex. i later saw that i was fooling myself. I was devastated needless to say after he tried it on with my friend but he started claiming that he never wanted her and that he always wanted me. I gave in again to him as he pleaded. again, i wish i had ran then...

He met my family and they didn't warm to him. My mother was kind but i always knew she was concerned. My friends felt the same.

As the relationship progressed, it started to become clear that everything that happened was on his terms. We fought a lot about religion and the situation with my friend. He'd tell me that my religion was wrong and that he didnt have my heart so he felt my friend had liked him and thats why he did it. All that time, i had been with him working through the issues unaware that they were texting even though he knew well that i was recovering from my ex still. I remember the day i found the texts. I was devastated, he found every possible way to down play them claiming nothing was going on. It was months later that i worked out that one night he had even left the room i was in to go to the bathroom to talk to her.

the longer we were together things got worse. He began smoking marajuana and he knew this made me uncomfortable. He'd bring me to his friends house , they were lovely guys but the smoking made me uncomfortable. After months of him telling me theres nothing wrong with it and me disagreeing i decided to try it. I feel the months of disagreements about it wore me down. didnt enjoy it and one day had a very bad experience and havnt tried it again. I still kick myself for letting him get me to do that. If he had respected me he would never have put me in that position in the first place. We had many fights over this.
To remind you all, i was the girl who never even tried a cigarette, was a virgin and had a strong dissaproval to drugs. it really shows how easy it is for the wrong person to have a negative effect on you.
He'd even fight with me over the fact i wouldnt want him to drive me in his van when it was uninsured , for my safety. He would complain to me so much about me being uncomfortable i would always give in.

We also fought about intamacy. He started very early on in the relationship with trying to touch me. Although he didnt push me for sex he did however get very annoyed with me when I wouldn't be intimate with him ( intimate touching and what not) he claimed that it was ok and that it was needed in a relationship. I told him i believed that we shouldnt due to my beliefs. These arguments got so bad that he would keep me up until 4 or 5 in the morning fighting with me over it, even though i had to be up 8 or 9 for work or college. I began giving in to him . He wore me down so much i often touched him or let him touch me just so i could get some sleep. It was emotionally and physically exhausting. this went on all the way to the end of the relationship.

Also later in the relationship, he began bringing up his ex girlfriends to upset me. He started telling me one night that this girl he dated was the most beautiful girl in the world and kept saying all these things to upset me. Another night he claimed that he had recieved pleasure from a prostitute when he had visited amsterdam with friends. I believe he only said this to upset me. and man did he upset me. I was always crying, he always found ways to upset me or things to fight about. He has called me names an odd time but a lot of this i find hard to recall as i believe my mind has blocked some of it out over time. The main feelings of complete helplessness havn't gone though. They are hard to shift.

There were a few times things also got physical even though the relationship was mostly emotionally destructive. I recall being pushed off a bed once or twice when he got angry and even at one stage he held up an axe to me. Another time i was so upset with him emotionally abusing me i hit out at him myself knowing i wouldnt hurt him, he was a big guy and he hit me back. I was wrong to hit him i know but i also knew that he was so big that he wouldnt feel it, he however should have realised that i was not so big. He even tried to convince me that there were times he pushed me because i had done so first. This was not the case at all in these circumstances.

the longer we were together the more he pulled me away from family and friends. I often sat in his house feeling alone wanting my family. He would call me in college asking me to come to his that night and i would tell him i would prefer to see my family as i hadnt spent much time with them and he would insist and insist to the point of arguing with me that i would give in and he would collect me. My college friends didnt like him so there werent many oppertunities for him to hang out with my friends, he never made the effort anyway.

He was a very jealous person, which didn't make sense to me as he was the one who was unfaithful early in our relationship. I had a guy friend for years who invited me to his debs/prom. I was delighted as i was always so shy with boys that i even brought my gay cousin to my own. I got a lot of abuse from tim for this. He claimed that the guy should have asked him permission first and that no guy can ever just be a friend. hell always want more. I claimed he was wrong and that i was to be trusted. after all it was just a debs and this guy was as shy as i was. He however didnt agree and even called me during it insisting that he collect me after. I ewasnt even allowed to stay after with my friend. My friend recently has come out to me as gay so i was right all along, he only wanted a date for his debs out friendship. Tim couldn't see that.

I at times was curious when it came to intamacy with tim but i put that down to my inexperience and age. on occasion i went along with it because i was curious but often i felt lost when he made me feel like he wasnt satisfied if we werent being intimate. he put a lot of pressure on me. I believe the day he pushed me off the bed was brought on by a fight due to me not going along with what he wanted sexually.

The problem with recalling the relationship is that there were so many things , big and small that happened that i feel i need to hear again in order to convince myself it wasn't my fault but i always cant help but feel that the fact that i gave in at all to him was my fault. I should have been stronger. i shouldnt have hit him that day, or let him seduce me. I shouldn't given in to him those nights that i needed to sleep.

I never really told people how bad i felt or how pushy he was as i didn't want people to hate him. Its funny how i convinced myself this. Although i lived with friends for college and i was crying one day because of mean messages that he was always sending me. he always was complaining about something i was doing or not doing. I should have ignored him but i know if i had hed turn up on my doorstep anyway. I was always trying to be kind and i believed he was really good on the inside and that he would change. this was foolish, i see that now. anyway this day i showed my friend i lived with and this was the first time i really saw how wrong he was for talking to me the way he did as my friend was shocked at his messages and convinced me it was wrong. She was the first person i truly opened up to.

There are probably so many other terrible things big or small that happened and that i cant remember but have affected me even now. Even the small comments he made would hurt. I was always made feel like i was wrong.

He would at times apologise and i think this is why i wouldn't leave. He would say sorry and that and that he didnt mean to do or say things but he would always do the same thing again. I felt i had a responsibility to try to make the relationship work. it was so tiring.

after a good while together i met a new friend in college . Ill call him *joe as i would not like to use his real name. anyways me and joe became friends and tim knew that i had been badly bullied in school (I believe my lack of confidence aided in me not seeing the abuse) so he knew that i didnt find really close friends easily so i began coming back telling him of this friend joe and that it was nice to have a good friend. To me i saw nothing wrong in being friends with him as i was loyal to tim. Tim however was jealous. I even asked him to meet joe one day in the park when i was hanging around with a few friends but tim refused even though he was only a few metres away from them. i was always honest with him but his jealously never ceased it seemed. Tim text me at a party once to check that i wasnt kissing any boys. It was around this time i started to wonder how a friend could be so kind to me and tim could be so cruel.

tim tried to stop my friendship with joe but i couldnt let him. Joe was there for me, he knew i was in a bad relationship but he never said a bad word about tim. he was just there for me when i needed him. one conversation with joe i told him what i wish tim would be like. I told him my views that tim didnt understand about what i wanted from a relationship and he understood. Iwas really starting to see what i wasn't seeing before.

It got to the point at this stage that it repulsed me when tim tried to touch me but i pretended it didn't. i didn't know any other way. I had noticed ways that i could cover up so that tim wouldn't get upset and start picking on me. this usually involved giving in.

I insisted to tim that joe was only a friend to me. He truly only was in my eyes. I was so loyal to tim that i wouldnt even think that way. However as time went on and the more tim did to hurt me the more joe was there for me at college. we had lunch together with his friends every day.

By this stage i had given tim everything. I had even been convinced to let him even take my virginity. I will regret that for the rest of my life. my only positive here was that i managed to only let it happen once or twice and refused after. I knew i wasn't ready. I still dont know how he convinced me. i truly don't. He had taken everthing from me, i was less confidence, i saw my family and friends less. He demanded so much of my attention, he had even threatened my friend joe for hanging around with me even though i wanted them to meet, i knew they would get along but tim refused. it was probably better off.

one day me and joe were hanging around and god only knows how it happened but i kissed him. I had done it before i even realised i had. I told joe that i shouldnt have and that i was going to tell tim. I told tim the next day but tried to convince him it was only a small kiss and that i wanted to work it out with him. It came out around this time that joe had developed serious feelings for me and i was completely unaware of this. he literally gave no signs of liking me, he never once even put tim down. He just listened and looked out for me. anyway i told joe tim was my priority and that i had to concentrate on my relationship and joe understood. tim however got worse in ways, he stole my phone one night while i slept and text joe pretending to be me. he wrote things like "about that kiss, want to do it again?" all the time pretending to me. joe of course found this odd as i had told him that i shouldnt have kissed him and started to realise that it was probably tim. He even asked if it was tim in a text. timkept lying. i was so upset when i found out. joe was very upset also.

around this time i tried to break up with tim. He started accusing me of wanting to leave him for joe. This wasn't what i wanted. i just wanted to be happy and not so alone and sad all the time , i wanted space to be me again. i was starting to see how wrong the relationship was. Again he convinced me to stay. the jealousy didnt stop though as i still was friends with joe. i pulled back from seeing him as much but we were in the same college so we still had lunch together. joe asked me one day about the kiss. i refused to talk about it and told him i owed it to tim to try with him. tim convinced himself that i was probably still kissing joe. joe knew otherwise but there was no way to convince tim. at this stage i was actually very confused about my feelings for joe. i knew that i couldnt have feelings for 2 guys and it end well so i made the decision finally to leave tim.

He begged and pleaded and accused me again of leaving him for joe but i kept to my decision and i left him.

A week later i told joe that i had left tim. He didnt say much we just continued as we normally did. Tim asked could we meet to talk as he felt it didnt end well . i felt the same so we met up.
instantly he used the line " lets just act like we are going out, just for today" so me being naive and still caring about him i held his hand and we kissed and what not.

a while later after a space in communication, the puzzle pieces of me and joe started to fall into place. I knew he liked me, in face he had admitted he loved me and i realised that i loved him too. we didnt start dating but we spent more time together and occasionally kissed. i needed the time to get over tim and what he had done before i could start something else. it was so good to feel loved properly without the hardship though so i was content.

i dont know why but i was feeling guilty about tim. god knows why. anyway i needed to put an end to the tim thing properly before i could move on. i asked to meet him this time and in a cafe but he refused and afteer ages of him convincing me i stupidly agreed to go with him in his car to a waterfall we used to visit together. he was sweet and on his best behaviour and i was even reminded of the early stages of our relationship when it was romantic but old habits seemed to catch up with us and he tried it on again with me, i gave in due to habit. i remember thinking, its going well today for the first time in a long time and this is the last time that i will ever see him, and i dont want him to be angry so i gave in to a small bit of intimacy. he had told me that he had been hanging around with one of his old exes and i didnt deny i was hanging out with joe either so i parted thinking, thats the end. joe was told about the day, he even knew i was going and i told him everything, he understood. i have no idea how tim could have again convinced me to give in to him again even though i had joe. i dont think ill ever understand the power he had over me. i havnt seen tim since however ive been left with insecurities that often surface even now, 4 years on.

its odd how the abuse can affect me in different ways even sometime after. i recieved a long facebook message from the girl he was meeting up with at the time we met for the last time. She called me a slag and claimed that i had ruined their marriage . at this stage it wasonly a year after we had split up and she and him had already had a baby. this was the first time i had heard they were married. to this day i dont kn ow what exactly she thinks what i have done but i have a strange feeling that tim had tried to make her jealous like he had done to me, maybe even by stretching the truth. however i know from a friend that she wouldnt take crap from him so i am unsure if he is abusive to her. she also accused me of cheating on joe but joe knows the full story and he knows how tim was. my loyalty to him is definite. I felt like after all the pain he caused me he still has a hold on me. im afraid for my reputation as i am not what she says i am. my friend who is friends with him also is still friends with him so i am not as close to her anymore. i just feel like no one has really seen what he was like to me and i feel like they may think i was lying if i ever told them all the facts. i dont want to believe im fooling myself as it was a horrible 2 years that i will never get back ..im still overcoming all the insecurities he left me with.

I guess what i want from this is what i stated at the beginning. id also like peoples opinions. I doubt myself alot and i find myself wondering if im just fooling myself into thinking it was abusive. it was so many small things at times but it made me feel so alone at that time.

I also want to show people that when your family have an uneasy feeling about a boyfriend even girlfriend of yours don't always throw away their opinion, they can sometimes see more than you can when you think you love someone.

And also me and *joe are together 4 years. we are engaged and very happy. he is the sweetes guy in the world and trats me like a princess. there is times that i dont know how to tell him what i want or dont want , force of habit from tim and i am learning to overcome that but joe has never made me insecure. He also has embraced my wish to wait until marriage for sex and we have a wonderful relationship because of our mutual understandings. For those girls out there in a bad relationship where you think there is something missing, trust your gut. dont be scared to leave for your own sake. the right guy is out there.
gennybean gennybean
22-25, F
1 Response Dec 9, 2012

Yes it does sound like your relationship with Tim was abusive.

thanks for your reply :) when re reading it, it certainly sounds bad :S