I Thought I Was Emotionally Invincible

Its been about 2 weeks since I let go of my best friend. I've been crying non stop since then. Not eating much. I lost 12lbs in a week and a half. Im not sleeping much. I've been smoking and drinking beyond belief. I cut my self and I wanted to die. I dont want go outside..

Its like Im an insider looking in screaming at myself like "Stop crying, he's just a jerk" But the betrayal was so deep. I had the same feelings I felt after being raped by my brother.

-I loved you, why would you do this to me?
-What did I do wrong?
-This is all my fault!!!
-Am I crazy?
-Please dont leave me, Im sorry

What exactly am I sorry for? My best friend didnt rape me. He didnt physically hurt me at all. But he broke our trust by lying and manipulating the situation. He made me keep our relationship a secret like it was dirty. One time he made me hide in the bathroom. When I would see things that are wrong he told me to mind my own business or that he didnt say that or it didnt happen that way. And then would turn around and say that I' m special to me and he is nothing without his partner. I begged him to end our fwb relationship if he had a girlfriend or if he was messing around with one of our co-workers. He denied, denied, denied! It made me feel like I was seeing things because I was being possessive. I felt like I wasnt allowed to ask questions or that I didnt deserve answers. But he said that I was his best friend and I believed him. Even tho I know he wasnt treating me right. I started falling in love with him for the times he made me smile, forgeting the times he made me cry.

Finally after a year and a half I confronted the girls that were basically a figment of my imagination, and they confirmed everything I knew. All the things that he kept making me think I was insecure about were true.

First I cried because I missed my friend. Now Im not sure how much of us was real or not. But now I cry because I realize that I was abused. As smart and intelligent as I am, I allowed myself to be used. I was so ready to sheild myself from physical and verbal assault, I didnt realize how damaging emotional abuse can be because its so subtle. I dont even know if the abusers realize how damaging it can be to someone. He emotionally abused me and his girlfriend (didnt know about her) by being selfish and using both of us for his satisfaction. I feel bad for her because he said the reason he cheated was because he wasnt sexually satisfied from her. How could you tell someone that its not my fault I broke my committed relationship with you because you didnt satisfy me sexually. That is the word of a coward! You dont cheat, lie, or manipulate. If you cant deal with what some one is lacking, you love them enough to let them go. He tried to tell me that I got hurt because I fell in love with him. But I got hurt because I was brainwashed by someone I thought cared about me. And in some strange way maybe he does care. Because he also lied to himself. He really thinks that his relationship with her will last when they only been together for 3 yrs and I was around for half of it and he messed around with another girl. And they did the on off break up thing. Maybe he wasnt being sexually satisfied by her because she didnt trust him. You have to be trust worthy for people trust you

Things got messy, but Im glad that I was able to see through his lies and say "No! This is not okay". I do believe that you can hurt people you care about. But you genuinely care about the person, you try to make things better. You dont just hurt them and walk away. He could have fought for our "friendship" but he didnt. Maybe I was his friend but he wasnt mine.

This is no longer about him but me. Why did I allow myself to be hurt over and over again and still be so forgiving? How do I learn to trust and love without being a doormat? When do you forgive, and when should you walk away?
loudsilence1 loudsilence1
26-30, F
1 Response Jan 10, 2013

Thank you very much, Ms., for sharing your story with us.
Your pain is also ours.
Your responsibility is also ours.
We will not abandon you.
We will try to help you.
Have a good day!